Trauma Support Community Check-In for October 2023

Hi, Audienta,

I wanted to share a memory about my very first cat, who found me when I was trying to enter my childhood house. I was maybe 8 or 9 years old. My mum said, "Ok" to me placing a little saucer of milk for this sweet grey cat, and we also rustled up some tuna fish for her. I fed her then everyday, but my parents were the type they didn't want a cat in the home. Oh, how I loved her! I would spend hours outside, petting her and talking with her. She had a name, but I use it often for my passwords, so I won't spill her name here!

But one day, my mum realized our little grey feral cat was pregnant. She was getting plumper and plumper, and the weather was turning colder and colder. We didn't have the heart to let her give birth in the street. My dad wouldn't allow pets with fur in the house. I'm not sure of his reasoning but it wasn't something we were allowed to question at that time. My mum took my beloved cat to a shelter.

I read through my journal entries after the fact, decades later, and I discovered that untrue to my memories, my mum actually took our little adopted yet outdoor cat to a Humane Shelter that nurtures cats and kittens and looks for homes from them. For the longest time, I thought my mum cold heartedly sent her to a kill shelter. I was glad for my journal clearing up my poor memory in this case. It made me feel warmer towards my mother and perhaps sent a loving ray of forgiveness towards her for the compromises and strife she endured in raising us in a tough household and still trying to give us some childish pleasures in the midst of the hardship.

The photo here looks like that first cat a little bit.

♡ Love and (^=˃ᆺ˂) Courage, Patience (=^‥^= ) ❀

1) I love animals so I have lots of memories of them. One nice memory was when I was at a zoo with family. Some zookeepers were letting us guess the animal they had, then we would get to hold it. After they gave clues, I guessed one of the animals was a tarantula, and it was. Everyone in the crowd was afraid to hold it, but I wasn't. I held out my hands and the zookeeper put it in my hands. I still remember that it's legs felt like pipe cleaners, fuzzy but pokey.

2) The most challenging day I got through last month was the first day and night I landed in a new country alone. I was exhausted from the overnight flight, but I still had it make it out of the airport and to my hotel. I cried because I was lost in the airport and confused about which bus I should take. I managed to find the right one, and after pulling my suitcase through town I got to my hotel. I was worried and cried again because I wasn't sure how to get food, but then I went to a grocery store and the lady there was understanding. That night after I ate and rested, I was sick with a bad stomach bug. I was sick all the rest of the night and morning, and I felt lucky I had grabbed food at the store, since the hotel didn't have any. I'm doing much better now and have a home here and people to ask for help, but that first day it was all so scary when I knew I was alone and sick in a different country.

3) My brain is not known for being very quiet or nice to me, but I've been very lucky to have nice people in my life. I've been able to stay at a host family's home, and I've met other nice people. Even in stores people have been very kind to me when I try and fumble in their language. I always try to tell myself that people are nice, that they won't yell at me or hurt me. I feel like I'm finally meeting people who are proving that affirmation to be true. It's brought me a lot of peace and helped me relax during a chaotic time.

Thank you for your questions and monthly post.

@audienta growing up I only really knew that dogs and spiders exsisted. So I remember, the first day I went an say outside with my carer a few years ago, and this big buzzard flew past, I heard its sweet caw. And a realisation came to me, that I'm in the real world now.

I'm not sure what my hardest day was last month. I don't think anything happened that wasn't normal for me.

I have tried to eat each day

@audienta
1) What's your favorite memory that contains an animal?
Throwing rocks for my dog Falko to take them out. He loved swimming and could put his whole head into the water to dig the rock out, it was amazing. Founding him on the street just a few months old. Programming with him, being just a little puppy, sleeping on my thighs. Another favurite memory is training the parrots with my dad, we had a few. And I'm learning to ride a horse lately, it's amazing and very therapeutic!

2) What was the most challenging day you managed to get through last month?
There were many but the most ones were definitely these two:Returning back to university work after my 5 years maternal leave. With a depression hit since the morning I had multiple panic attacks during the day seeing the double amount of students they accepted, relatively unchanged staff number and double amount of work compared to the time I left work.

Also sharing with 7Cups, my family and friends about my childhood sexual abuse trauma after almost 30 years. The worse panic attacks I ever had in my life.

3) What gives you hope?
That things are getting better, slowly but they are. Telling myself feelings are final and this won't last forever. Having more "ok" days than "down the well" days lately. And being able to talk about my past more easily than before without getting the attacks.

1) What's your favorite memory that contains an animal?

There was a white dog on the street where I lived. She had markings that looked like spotted dogs, but she was not. She had given birth to her children one day in October, which reminded me of the movie 101 Dalmatians, so I named her Bahira, as in the Egyptian dubbed version of the movie.

2) What was the most challenging day you managed to get through last month?

I no longer take on any challenge, I feel internally empty and lost my passion, and I have not advanced a single step in my life. I still have not worked on my master’s thesis, and I no longer leave my house at all.

3) What gives you hope?

I no longer know, I have lost my goals and I no longer remember what I wanted.