Traumatic Experences Community Daily Check In - Tuesday May 23d 2017
A quick check in from me today as I'm on my lunch break. How's your day going? Feel free to come on in and share. We're a friendly bunch, supporting one another through the highs and lows of coping with, and recovering from, traumatic experiences. You're all very welcome :)
@DeborahUK
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@Avaray @vriska44 @Shadeshack @BeeLeigh @Faeryschild @dancingRainbow45 @Lavendermoonlight @KLM3278 @sujaypai
@sweetMelody95 @jr50 @agreeableKite4304 @PhoenixPatronus @Morfo66 @themainjane @raycascotch
@KatieMoon1 @conscientiousPineapple1782 @Tamba @inventiveOrange1 @Jenna0903 @melliotm @PanamaBanana
@AutumnLeigh @DeborahUK @PuppyLove13 @KristenHR @BradyChay2310 @HearingYourHeart @vriska @TreesandWine
@guyb @chayil @Sharkradio @MKjart
While the day after a holiday weekend doesn't really have much impact on nor import for me, since everyday is like Sunday (to quote Morrissey), am still aware of the collective anxious mood as many struggle to return to their regular daily routine. Perhaps out of subconscious solidarity, I too woke up to anxious thoughts after pushing beyond my limits yesterday. Left ear is clogged up for some reason and though a minor inconvenience, is something I find difficult to avoid fixating on (with worst case scenarios front and centre).
Unsettling dreams throughout the night probably don't help with the general sense of unease this morning.
Have a scheduled psych follow up tomorrow to look forward to, which always inspires dread in anticipation of inevitable stress. As discussed elsewhere, such appointments/evals can be traumatic and/or triggering for many, yours truly most definitely included. Despite feeling averse to physical contact lately, am struck with the desire to be held lol.
Still committed to at least 20 minutes of outdoor time, but also think I should be gentle with myself. One shouldn't feel like they are obligated to sideline self care in order to jump-start the recovery process. Seeking that fine balance.
Anyway. Trying my best not to let all the what-ifs, shoulds, etc settle into dizzying, circular thought patterns. Today is today; tomorrow can bloody well wait its turn.
How is everyone else doing?
@melliotm
I like the sound of you being gentle with yourself and enjoying the sunshine. Appointments with psych are always stressful leading up to them because you never know what will come up. I totally understand your anxiety. Do you write your dreams down? It's kind of fun/interesting to look at them a week later and try to figure out where they connected or (not to) what is going on in life at the time.
Take care.
@MKJart It's been suggested to me before. Friends of mine have kept dream diaries, but for me, even benign activity in the subconscious realm can be completely unnerving. Can still vividly recall traumatic early childhood nightmares and, later, night terrors.
A good part my life has been spent trying to drown/mute/erase uncomfortable feelings and situations, avoiding the dubious residuals borne of trauma at all costs (including the structural integrity of my liver lol); dreams were no exception.
Since I stopped using various illicit substances for both recreation and self medication, I've been forced to acknowledge, embrace and process those aspects of myself and my life that I had been hiding from for so long. Perhaps as a result, the dreams have become especially vivid. So who knows -- maybe a documentation exercise like that is a key that will help to unlock acceptance and understanding of me and my damage?
Regardless, as things currently stand, I still find the prospect triggerish. Maybe some day. We shall see.
@melliotm Sometimes if you have nightmares it can be useful when you wake from these to keep a notepad by the bed and to note down everything you can remember and if you have a therapist to take this to therapy to go through it. Sometimes its said that nightmares are often representations of our worries and anxieties and that sometimes the people represented in nightmares could actually be more symobolic of someone else rather than the person you dreamt about. Im not a dream expert but just getting what you an remember written down at least gets it out, allows for it to be expressed. You may find it helps you. Also trying to establish a routine before bedtime can help such as not having anything stimulating on tv or radio wise. having a warm bath and drink but one that doesnt contain caffienne, going to bed at a set time even if you dont feel like your ready for bed, perhaps reading a boring book for a while etc....routine helps you keep boundaries with yourself eg not staying up to silly hour :)
@dancingRainbow45 I've actually got a pretty decent bedtime routine going finally, after wrestling with months of insomnia. Meditation, medication, and professional snooker broadcasts on YouTube, followed by a black screen oscillating fan video that helps lull and sooth even if I happen to wake up during the night. I find that I'm no longer "jolted" awake any more, making it much easier to fall back asleep again (the jolt sensation often drops me right in the middle of a full panic state).
I don't ask questions. I just go with what works lol. Snooker in particular is the ultimate in sedating entertainment, at least to me -- am sure aficionados would take issue with my characterization of the sport.
@melliotm yeah am sure snooker would send me to sleep, if not that golf or cricket lol
@dancingRainbow45 And am seriously considering the dream/nightmare documentation idea, though, as mentioned, the notion of doing so inspires reflexive resistance in me (Flee! Flee! Man the life boats! Blow the escape hatch! Etc)
@melliotm
ok... trying to deal with emotions. Start less avoid them.
@conscientiousPineapple1782 Yeah, they tend to build up and eventually overflow without regular care and maintenance, unfortunately. Dont hesitate to reach out for support in your efforts. Best wishes to you today. :)
4 years ago, my cousin tried to kill me, I don't know why yet, but now I'm not having any problem :) I don't have to see him.
@MikiHelpsYouEverytime
Sorry to hear of your experience- that must have been shocking and scary. Glad your not having a difficult time with it this year. That sounds like progress right?
Take care
@MKJart Yeah, I think I overcomed that experience. Thanks for answering me :3 take care too.
@MikiHelpsYouEverytime Sorry to hear of that experience Miki. Must have been a very difficult time for you to have gone through this at the time? How did you manage to cope with what you went through since this happened?
@dancingRainbow45 Well, I don't know how I managed to overcome that, but I did. Perhaps knowing that I wouldn't see my cousin anymore helped a lot, and with my parents and friends' help I made it
Good morning everyone.
I have some nice things planned for today in way self care-including a massage. Still had problems sleeping last night, but finally bit the bullet and took something to help me sleep. I feel more rested and ready to get a few errands done before the massage. I decided to walk into town to enjoy the sunshine after dropping the car at the mechanic to get some fresh air.
Thank you all for your support yesterday - hoping for a good day today... It's starting out feeling more positive.
Mary
@MKJart Glad to hear that you have some self care scheduled! I hope your day continues to proceed in a positive direction -- and am envious of your upcoming massage lol. Have a great time!
@melliotm
@MKJart OOOhhh your day sounds a good one, a nice walk in the sunshine, a booked massage and finally some sleep even if aided a little. Its rotten when you dont sleep well if at all or have nightmares etc, and it can have such an effect on your day but its good to here yours is a positive one despite the lack of sleep at one point for you. Hope your day continues to be a positive one for you and that the sun keeps shining 
Hi. I was quite ok yesterday. I didn't feel much at all, which kind of made me almost feel a bit good in comparison. Today I got overcome by heavy sadness again. I've gotten a lot of kind support in this community and another internet place, and now even by some "real life" people that I didn't expect to contact me (nevermind that the ones that I thought would care remained mostly silent). But I feel like there's a bleeding wound inside me.
I can't even manage to focus long enough to read how you all are doing, but I'm sending hugs and love to those who want them 
@hereigoagain Hugs back, in unlimited abundance. So glad that you're discovering support on multiple fronts. We are here for you!
@melliotm
@hereigoagain
Good to see you dropping by. Stay in touch, and hopefully you'll gradually find the energy and interest to reconnect with this part of your life. Maybe if we hug you tight enough, given time we can stop that bleeding wound inside ❤️
@DeborahUK
@hereigoagain
Glad you checked in. I was wondering how you were. So glad to hear you have found support. I know the whole scenario is not what you had hoped for but it's good to know you can reach out and people will be there.
@themainjane
Aww I don't have anyone reliable left but I guess I do have some people that I can reach out to and maybe if they are in the right kind of mood and don't have much else to do they'll be there... It's better than nothing I guess. Oh and I have someone reliable offering to be there as a last resort if I was a danger to myself and had nowhere else to turn to. So hey I'm still better off than some others, right?
ICYMI, the Trauma Support Forum now has our very own Therapist Liaison (which is awesome btw -- thanks to TPTB for that). We, @AnnaKateMillerLCSW!
@melliotm Welcome, even. #damnyouautocorrect
Wow, I haven't been posting every day, just want to say " welcome to all the new comers"! Happy Tuesday!
I have had a rough day so far, I had to talk to a therapist and get a diagnositic assesment done...I had to talk about all my trauma in my life and it was hard. I just want to hide away from the world and do nothing. I hate talking about my past, especially knowing that I am still dealing with abuse and I can't say anything. I really tried today, I kept saying it in my mind but wasn't able to verbalise it. I've been trying some self care stuff, like not isolating, making sure I eat, showering, I even took a small nap but I still feel horrible! I keep having flashbacks too and well those aren't fun, they are horrible and feel so real. I just feel like there is not end in site, like my life is always going to be this way. I've also been struggling with the feeling of like my life is frozen and the world around me is on to there normal everyday life. Nothing feels real, it feels like I am in a movie or a game or something. I just want to feel better but I seems inpossible
@Tryingtobefree98
Hi - Ugh, Talking about the abuse is always difficult, especially to start- sorry you had a hard time. You don't have to talk about it all at once by the way, only share when you feel safe enough to do it and finding the right words can be difficult. Give yourself time, be gentle in all of this and give yourself the freedom to take your time. Flashbacks really suck and then the fear of having them in public can be unnerving/anxiety provoking too. That dissociated feeling of being disconnected is way of protecting yourself from overpowering stuff and can feel surreal. Good news is you're normal and it won't always be that way.... truthful news is that sometimes it gets worse before it gets better..... But it does get better. Hang in there. We're here.
Not quite 20 minutes, but who's counting (besides me, because OCD)? Bottom line: got my butt outside and walked around the block, upholding the commitment made to myself. Even threw together a halfway nutritious dinner, with enough left over for lunch tomorrow.
Not quite ready to brush my shouldas off, but I'm...satisfied. Today was a day -- no more, no less. And that's more than enough.
@melliotm
I'd say today was a success 🙂
@themainjane I guess it was, wasn't it? 
@melliotm
and who wouldn't? I mean, it's disco stu!
😆
(Thanks, @themainjane )
@melliotm
A successful day aleady. It's just 8:50 in the morning in my world.
Had a good day. Another day out in the world... can two days in a row count as trend?
I felt stupid and felt people made fun of me but the point is I did it anyway. I pitched in and helped out on some errands that needed doing and I am proud of myself for that. I always feel like such a fake in the world. Anyway, guess it's just one of those things that takes practice. Maybe I won't always be socially awkward.
Missing my counselor but I think she's still in the hospital. She said it would be a couple of days. I'm not sure what's wrong. I hope it's not serious.
@themainjane Yes, the point is that you did it, despite it all -- so congrats on your continued success (which indeed counts as a trend IMO -- keep up the positive momentum!).
@melliotm
Thanks!!
@themainjane
Yay, go you!!
@themainjane
Good deal, so happy for you. That feeling like a fraud feeling..I know it well. What thoughts during the day do you think trigger it for you?