Traumatic Experience Community Daily Check-in: Tuesday, November 27!
Happy GivingTuesday! Today is a national day where you give back to the community during the holiday season right after American Thanksgiving. I thought for this check-in we could incorporate that into our replies. If you check in today, try to reply to one of the other users here. No response is too small!
That being said, tell us how today is going! Let us know about any worries and fears as well as things that you are looking forward to!
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@SouthernFlame My day is going okay so far. Have to get ready to catch a flight from Chicago to NC to see my mom :)
@Mellietronx
so glad to hear that! Oh I hope that flight goes well! Please do let us know when you land!
@SouthernFlame
I'm having a hard time today - well the last couple days - with something kinda stupid honestly.
I've been estranged from my parents for years. Childhood abuse and bad relationship as an adult, no willingness to talk about it or change. I found that having space from them allowed me to finally heal a little. It's still a work in progress of course. But still, I'm doing better. So, I struggle every year around this time just because of the holidays. It makes me feel bad to say, but I haven't ever had a day where I missed them or the old days or anything. I can't remember any happy memories with them that weren't tainted by something bad. Anyway, I always struggle with the guilt just because society generally thinks it's a bad thing to leave your blood, blah blah blah. It makes me feel bad and different from other people. And I feel like a bad person for not missing them. A lot of messed up feelings.
But the reason I think I'm struggling more than usual this year is precisely because I have achieved a lot in the last year. I feel like I'm finally beating my depression, like I'm finally starting to discover a life for myself and real hope. I've been learning how to have better boundaries and all that. So then it makes me wonder if maybe I could have really still stayed in that relationship and found a way to deal with it. I'm not sure why I'm thinking about this or what the point would be, because my parents would still be the same as they always were. It would drain my positivity constantly, and I probably wouldn't have been able to heal the way I have. So I shouldn't even still be thinking about this right? I keep telling myself these things, but then the next day I find myself thinking about it again.
I guess it's because I feel a little stronger now and I'm obsessing over the "what if"s. I can feel it's not really helpful for me to think this way. I think I just have this fear that I'm a bad person for abandoning anyone (as I know how it feels to be abandoned), even if they may have deserved it, and I wonder if karma will haunt me for being cruel to other human beings. I know this is probably another layer of healing, but I'm getting confused, and feeling strong is an uncomfortable feeling in a way.
Did any of that make sense?
@SentientiaPoecile
hey there. It definitely makes sense. It is easy to ponder the possibilities but its important not to judge weaker younger you for having those limitations. With this new realization you can decide how you want the relationships to go. And I can understand how the holidays would be hard. People who have not walked a day in your shoes have a hard time understanding why its better to spend the holidays away from blood. Know we are here for you and we hear you.
@SouthernFlame
Thanks so much for the support. I do often forget that I need to stop judging myself so harshly. I hope one day I can feel more sure of myself.
@SentientiaPoecile
you are welcome. I hope so too
@SentientiaPoecile I've had such similar trains of thought about my own parent! If it helps you feel any better, just know that the way you're thinking right now is all coming from a deep place of empathy. You're not a heartless jerk who's cuting ties for no reason-- you don't want to have to cut ties because they're your parents, and nevermind society-- biology says they should love you and that you should love them. I think you're having this dichotomy because, like you said, you know how it feels, and you don't want anyone to feel that pain intentionally, like you have. I think you're tremendously strong and kind. I don't think you're making any wrong choices. Based on my experience and what I know of others, this train of thought is completely normal. I'm proud of you for doing so well and always striving to get better. Hope I didn't say anything weird or cross a line or anything-- just coming from my own place of understanding. :) Hang in there, and happy holidays!
@betterchoices
Thanks so much for your kind reply. I'm not sure how you knew, but I have been wondering/worried that what if I am an empathy-less person. I think I know deep down that I care about people, but I have trouble showing emotion sometimes which is maybe more like a trust issue? I struggle so much with relationships in general, and I think I have a really hard time knowing where to draw the line with people to keep myself from being hurt. I guess maybe it comes down to self-confidence and finding a way to not question every decision that I feel like is best for me.
Hope you are doing well today.
Good morning everyone. Just checking in. I hope everyone has a pleasant day.
@lostindecember
hey!
@SouthernFlame Hello there. :) How are you today?
@lostindecember
sleepy! You?
@SouthernFlame I am pretty sleepy too. I think I pulled something at the gym and the pain kept me awake most of the night. :|
@lostindecember
oh no! Have you taken anything for the pain?
@SouthernFlame
Last night was difficult for me, realizing that no one cared about me, that I'd always be second or third in people's lives, never be anyone's best friend, never be the top priority. It made me realize that this has been a pattern in all of my friendships. I seem to pick people who don't make time for friends, or at least for long distance friends. So I ended another friendship today. Also ended a "listenership". Listeners are the same. In doing so, I feel better. It doesn't feel great to be completely alone. But it feels okay to be done with a rocky relationship. This is a sign that I can't do friendships. Otherwise I get too attached and I start to love the person, put them on a pedestal. Then I hate them. Then I love them. Then I hate them. It leads me to do horrible things to myself and my body just to calm down from the emotional pain. It leads me to feel empty and worthless and often suicidal. It leads to attempts and more pain when you realize no one cared that you attempted. No one even noticed you were gone. Though, without these strong feelings, I feel nothing. One or the other. That's how all of my life is. Binge-eating or anorexia. Love or hate. No self-harm or atrocious self-harm. No suicidal thoughts or very strong ones. So on, so forth. Anyways, glad to be done with the latest person who only worsened how I felt. I got to leave her before she could leave me. I think she's been wanting to leave me anyway. I was prepared to tell her about my latest suicide attempt if she was going to leave. "She hurt me so I should make her feel my pain because what she's doing to me isn't fair. She's leaving me too like everyone else" was my mentality. Chose not to because unfortunately, she knows enough info about me that I can be hospitalized if she were to call the police. Anyway this is long and I'm just doing a stream of consciousness thing. I'll end it here. Have a great day everyone
@Lexloveslife
hugs. Ending relationships even if thats a good thing for us can be so hard! We are here for you.
@Lexloveslife
I'm sorry to hear the night was rough. But also glad that you did something you felt was best for you. I thought your stream of consciousness there was full of many good insights about yourself.
@SentientiaPoecile
I wish i had enough insight to stop choosing to be friends with manipulative or insensitive people. I woke up this morning not wanting to go to school because last semester, a friend and I had a falling out that led to a no contact order. She claimed harrassment where none existed. But the human resources at my college claimed the order happened because the campus police were involved with us twice.
First time was my suicidal thoughts, made the mistake of telling someone about them. Second was because I thought my friend was missing. She wasn't missing, just ignoring me after I mentioned I was jealous of her. Then this no contact order. If only the school knew how much worse that no contact order made things for my mental health, saying it was my fault. The person obviously isn't in my life anymore thank goodness. But the order issued back in February still leaves me in a worse state health wise. I got suicidal because of it and because of this person who decided to let their bpd go untreated and screwed my life up more in the process.
Punished for being suicidal and for worrying about a "friend" who was really just manipulative and insensitive. I don't understand why people think it's okay to ruin someone else just because they're choosing not to seek treatment. I tried to be understanding and honest. Got slammed. Somehow though, my MDD doesn't matter, their BPD matters more right? To that person at least. Ugh.
@Lexloveslife
I hear you. I'm sorry you had to go through that. That's good that they're not in your life anymore. But i know how sometimes it takes longer to heal the damage and not let them have that power over us anymore.
@SentientiaPoecile
Yeah. It hasnt changed my opinion of people with BPD though. They're genuinely nice people and I dont mean to come across like I'm ranting about that disorder or spreading stigma. I just had a hard time with one person in particular who's unmanaged disorder had negative effects. I do hope she is okay though. Thanks for reading all that, by the way! Kinda ranted there lol
Today I have to do all the things I didn't do yesterday. I skipped class for mental health reasons, and I feel guilty, but when I woke up this morning I felt one million percent better than I did yesterday, so I know today will be more productive. I'm afraid I won't accomplish everything, but I know I will accomplish a lot. :)
@betterchoices
yay! Im glad today was better
@betterchoices
I think it's really hard to get used to taking that time we need for ourselves sometimes. But I think it's exactly like you said, that often when we do that, we find we're actually more productive in the long run having more energy anyway. Good luck with everything.
@SentientiaPoecile
Thank you so sincerely!!!
@SouthernFlame
Ok to join this group??
@ReallyRuth
yes!
@SouthernFlame
How do I join officially? Just start talking?
@ReallyRuth
Just like that!
@ReallyRuth
Welcome! 👋
@pioneeringBanana1598
Thanks!
@SouthernFlame hi
@crimsonLime6525
Hi lime. Good to see you. Safe hugs if you want it. I've also got tea and not chocolate if you prefer.
@practicalIdeal2007 thank you for the hug
@crimsonLime6525
hii
Hello! Too late to join??
@adventurousKitten7408
never
I'm so down, so blah, I just can't get out of bed
@Rebekahwriter13
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. We hear you. Do you want to talk about what's weighing you down?
@Rebekahwriter13
hugs
@SouthernFlame hugs