Traumatic Experiences Community Check-In 13 July 2020

Good morning everyone! The topic for todays check-in is shame. The thought with shame is that Its my fault or that one is not simply stuck in a terrible situation in which they are powerless; instead thinking there is something wrong with themselves, not those around them. Large repeated doses of shame resulting in zero repair or reconnection can be considered toxic. Small doses of shame can be helpful in certain ways. Such as forcing one to stop action and reconsider, maybe even becoming somewhat more aware of how their behavior is affecting others around them.

Working with shame must be done slowly and carefully. We must work first to harness all of our resources: spiritual beliefs, sense of humor, personal heroes, places where we feel comfortable. It is important to understand how important the resourcing is so we don't get discouraged that the process is so slow. It's important to distinguish between shame and guilt because they influence our behavior in different ways. Guilt can motivate you to make amends, apologize, or correct a behavior. Doing such things will help alleviate guilt and may increase the extent to which we feel positive about ourselves. In this way, guilt can be a helpful emotion.

Shame, on the other hand, is rarely useful. With shame, one may be more likely to engage in self-punishment (such as through deliberate self-harm) or isolate themselves from others. This is going to do little to alleviate the shame in the long-term and can even intensify one's shame. So how do we overcome shame and find freedom?

Explore your use of language: Know the difference between saying I am bad and I feel bad. The first statement reflects identification with a painful emotion, whereas the second statement allows for recognition of a feeling without being consumed by it.

Avoid shoulds: Shoulds are one way of pushing perfectionism or perceived expectations on oneself and rejecting the individuals authentic presence. One might say, I should be over this by now, I shouldnt make mistakes, or I should be strong. When they say or think the word should, it is truly best to step back and instead focus on self-acceptance.

Imagine shame is a bully: Seeing shame as a bully can give us some space from the emotions and allow us to talk back. How do we feel when the shame puts us down? What do we want shame to know?

Experience the bodys sensations of shame: Often the most difficult part of healing shame is tolerating the related felt sense in our body. Words can hardly describe the intolerable disgust that often accompanies shame. We might experience an encompassing sinking feeling or a vague sensation as though we did something wrong. However, over time as we increase our capacity to feel our bodies, we can develop greater choices about how to move and breathe. There is tremendous power in reclaiming our bodies from shame. Perhaps we find a posture that feels strong and capable, or maybe we place our hands over our heart in a gesture of loving kindness.

Both shame and trauma interfere with a person's natural ability to remain present. Full orientation involves being aware of inner body sensations and emotions as well as being open to the signals we receive from the environment through our five senses. Shame can interfere with all of these. It is easy to dissociate or go into a fog. One can actually get lost in the past, forgetting where they actually are. Also, the details of shaming or traumatic events may be hazy and fuzzy as one may have only implicit or emotional memory with no sense of the details of what happened. Shame is so often overlooked as a symptom of PTSD despite evidence suggesting the two go hand in hand.

I will keep this check-in fairly short and ask of you these three questions:

1. How are you feeling today?

2. Have you ever felt shame and if so how did you overcome it?

3. What is one self care activity you have planned for today?

As always I hope you all have a greater today than yesterday, in hopes of a better and brighter tomorrow!!!!!

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