Traumatic Experiences Community Check-In Wednesday-Thursday 16-17 September 2020

Good morning everyone! The topic for todays check-in is Trauma Bonding and how to break free from it. This is a subject that I find is not discussed often but does affect many survivors of trauma. Trauma bonding refers to the attachment bond which is created through repeated abusive or traumatic childhood experiences, whereby this relationship pattern becomes internalized as a learned pattern of behavior for attachment. If an individual has experienced abuse from a caregiver or spouse then it is highly likely that person has associated love with abuse. This can easily become a template used for learning to relate and form relationships with others throughout their life. Abuse can often become confused as a form of love. This can lead to the abused becoming attached to their abuser. This is precisely how trauma bonding works.

A child who does not listen can sometimes be shunned left feeling abandoned and unworthy. The child would then seek approval from their parent learning to live up to the standards set for them by their parents/caregiver. In return the child receives love and approval. This in turn becomes the equation for love. By the same token a victim of abuse learns to please their abuser in order to receive the love they desire.

The abused often see themselves as being bad and deserving of punishment. They will tell themselves they must be better to receive the love they want. It is a hard pill to swallow that such scenarios play out with many individuals but it does. Many children who are subjected to abuse by their parents grow up to attract abusers as partners.

Narcissists in particular cling to those who feel as if they are not good enough, feeding on that person's desire to be loved. When that person's needs are met the abused will feel needed and loved, however when that person is not satisfied their true colors will come out. When the abused blames themselves or thinks something is fundamentally wrong with them, they believe the abuser and allow themselves to be put down, because it is what theyve already internalized about themselves. The abused person will repeat the pattern tolerating the abuse because thats the internal bond that keeps them linked to the abuser. It ultimately keeps them from feeling abandoned or not good enough.

When that person minimizes the abuse, blaming themselves for it, they are not even aware they are being abused many times. They will deny the abuse is occurring in an attempt to feel wanted and loved. Sometimes the abused will even make excuses defending the abuser, instead placing blame on themselves. This is how the victim of trauma bonding minimizes and denies the abuse in order to uphold the positive image of the perpetrator, while distorting the reality and being misguided by false love.

There are steps which can be taken to break free of such relationships but ultimately it is up to the individual being abused to follow through on each of them.

1. Make a commitment to live in reality. If an individual finds themselves fantasizing about what could be or what they hope will be, they should stop. They would be better off reminding themselves that they have made a commitment to live in truth. Even if the individual doesnt choose to leave the relationship immediately, they can at least remind themselves that they will stop fantasizing about what is not happening.

2. Live in real time. That means stop holding on to what could or will happen tomorrow. Notice what is happening in the moment. Noticing how trapped the individual feels. Noticing how unloved they feel and how they have compromised their own self-respect and self-worth for an abusive relationship. Paying attention to their own emotions is very beneficial.

3. Live one decision at a time, one day at a time. People often scare themselves with all-or-nothing thinking. While it may be true that an individual's relationship can be an unhealthy one, they dont need to make every encounter a do-or-die situation.

4. Make decisions that support self care. In other words try not to make decisions that are not beneficial to us. This goes for emotional relapses as well. Speaking to ourselves in compassionate, reflective, and understanding ways is much better than mentally berating ourselves.

5. Build healthy connections. The only way to really free oneself from unhealthy connections is to start investing in healthy ones. Develop other close, connected, and bonded relationships that are not centered on drama.

These are just some of the steps that can be taken to better one's own life if they are shackled in an abusive relationship. Trauma bonds can be very difficult to break, but it can be done. If any of you find yourselves in such a situation I do hope you find the courage and resolve to break free from it. Before I end this check-in I will ask these three optional questions.

1.How are you feeling today?

2.What self care plans do you have for today?

3.What is one positive thing you can say about yourself?

I would like to thank you all for taking the time to read this check-in. As always I wish you all a greater today than yesterday, in hopes for a better and brighter tomorrow!!!

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