Traumatic Experiences Community Daily CheckIn - Friday 12th May 2017
Hey Everyone 
Just wanted to remind you folk that no matter whether your day is good, bad or inbetween, we are here for you :) It would be great to hear how everyone is doing today? The weekend is almost upon is yet again!! How time flies. Whose looking forward to the weekend, perhaps because it means time off from working, or from studying, perhaps some quality time with the kids or friends? I hope you can find some rest and relaxation for yourselves no matter what you get up to I will be off doing some agility with my dog this weekend, something I always look forward to doing, and spending quality time with friends. How about you?
This check in space is yours, to let us know whats happening in your world, how your day has been, is it a good day, bad day or inbetween? Healing from Trauma is hard work, there are ups, there are downs, there are tears, and there successes and achievements. It can be tough going but always know, we are here for you :) Always reach out if you can for some support for your deserve that :)
@Avaray @vriska44 @Shadeshack @BeeLeigh @Faeryschild @dancingRainbow45 @Lavendermoonlight @KLM3278 @sujaypai
@sweetMelody95 @jr50 @agreeableKite4304 @PhoenixPatronus @Morfo66 @themainjane @raycascotch
@KatieMoon1 @conscientiousPineapple1782 @Tamba @inventiveOrange1 @Jenna0903 @melliotm @PanamaBanana
@AutumnLeigh @DeborahUK @PuppyLove13 @KristenHR
I am SO bored even the things I like doing do not make me less bored for some reason. Also tired but that is normal. Tomorrow going Zip lining well if I do, might change my mind at the last minute. So hopefully that will take away the bored feeling or just make me scream. One of those.
@AmalieAnne Sounds interesting amalie zip lining and I hope you have a lovely time with whoever your going with :)
@dancingRainbow45 Thank you
I'm really not good. I feel so alone and overwhelmed and I want to hide but other responsibilities stop me from doing this. I'm trying to practice grounding techniques and I really need to force myself to eat something as that's not helping. I'm so scared to reach out to someone as I'm in such a state. Thoughts of harming myself for a release . I don't know how I'm going to get through today
@fearlessPapaya5168 Hey Papaya, am sorry to hear things are feeling overwhelming for you. I know you wrote this a few hours ago, have things improved since you posted. Its very hard when you have responsibilities to attend to, to also take the time needed to look after you, and to put into place some of the grounding techniques that you have been trying. Have you any ideas as to what may be contributing to you feeling this way and whether there are any small steps you could take to reduce the feelings your experiencing? If you need try and reach out for support, whether its in the forum, or to a listener. I hear it can feel really hard to do that when things are not feeling so good, but people are here for you if you need. Take care Papaya
@dancingRainbow45 it took a long time to fully ground myself, I then managed to get in touch with my partner which helped to have a chat. We then made a plan for me to do a few jobs this afternoon to keep me busy. I've been doing a little better although still needed to focus in staying with the here and now. I've spent the evening colouring and messaging a friend. I'm thankfully the day is nearly over
@dancingRainbow45
Well the good news is that I'm no longer having urgent thoughts about how to get rid of me and this stupid life without ending things myself... At least not right now. I really feel like I'm not getting anywhere and I'll never have a good or even ok life, but I try not to think about it. I'm dreading the weekend though because I'll be alone with physical and emotional pain. I feel like hiding, curling into a ball of misery and never getting up again. But yeah yeah relax, I'm trying to do stuff anyway. I just contacted a private psychologist for maybe bridging the many months of queue for the less expensive therapy (if I don't eat much, sigh). I guess I'll see if I still have any blessings to count and all that stuff. Blah blah... -.-
@hereigoagain Hi Hereigo, am glad that for now, perhaps some of the intensity of the feelings you have been having had eased a little where you are not consumed with self destructive thoughts as perhaps you were. Its hard when life feels so awful you cant see a way out or dont know how to cope with what your going through. You mentioned about dreading the weekend because of emotional and physical pain? Are these related, or do you have physical problems going on which cause you additional pain to have to manage? How do you feel about seeing the private therapist? It can feel never ending when you try and do things to help yourself but are met with issues such has having to wait ages for less expensive therapy. It sounds as if despite how bad things can feel, you have looked for an alternative way to get you through the difficulty of having to wait for cheaper therapy.
@dancingRainbow45
Thanks you for your message 
I guess some of the physical pain is somatic, some of it is unrelated but made worse by emotional stress. And of course the physical stuff causes more emotional stress which again... you gotta love vicious cycles. How I feel about seeing the private therapist? Bankrupt lol. But worth a try maybe. I mean I can't kill myself because that would hurt the people I love too much (even though there's only one left that I have a good relationship with) and being half dead is just absolutely no fun at all so I guess I need to decide for living even though I really have no idea how this is supposed to work out and I'm not quite ready to act very much on this decision. 
@dancingRainbow45 still too difficult to talk about anything on here or irl. Trying to be ok to go back to work after bereavement leave. Not ready but i have no choice. Makes it worse that it is at the hospital where everything happened.
Not getting bereavement counselling as they refused due to mental health history. Mental health team could only offer cbt or meds which i dont want and was not honest with their risk questions anyway. Dont want a fuss made.
Still feel family and husband would be better off without me sometimes.
Alternate days between not getting out of bed or walking until too tired to think and then not sleeping anyway.
Hope everyone in this thread finds peace.
@inventiveOrange1 Hi orange. Im really sorry to hear you have been bereaved. That must be very difficult for you. Was this someone close to you? It must feel really hard knowing your still coping with your loss but are now having to return back to work, and to an environment where the loss occured. Would you find it useful to talk to any colleagues about any worries or fears you may have about this? I hear that you feel your family would be better off without you and people can often feel this way when they are low and struggling to cope with things, but you are important and Im sure your family would not wish this to happen or be the case.
You said you couldnt have bereavement counselling because of having mental health issues. Who has said you cant have bereavement counselling? Is it worth considering approaching a voluntary organisation or charity who specialise in bereavement to see if they could offer you some support? Everyone who goes through bereavement is deserving of support and help and I hope your able to get this for you as it sounds right now as if you could do with some extra support.
@dancingRainbow45 sorry still too hard to talk about the loss. Have posted on my feed but thats all i can do.
It isnt even the only loss. Lost grandparents in November and December while doing the ivf cycle and it all seems so pointless and wasted time i could have had with them. All the other losses in the past pale in comparison with this. Punished for having hope i was safe after 17 weeks with them.
Talking about things doesnt seem to make them easier. Losing the will to ask for help. I turn 39 in a week and i dont think i want to see it still feeling like this.
@inventiveOrange1 You have had a lot to deal with and I took a quick look at your profile page. You have been through a lot in what seems to be a short space of time? It is only natural that things would feel really raw for you right now, with lots of heartbreaking decisions to make. In addition to have had additional bereavements on top of very personal loss. Loss is a big thing to cope with for many people. The trauma forums have a section on traumatic loss if ever you wish to reach out there. I hear right now your finding that really hard to do, but during grief and bereavement it is often said to try and not isolate yourself and to try where possible to reach out to others, not to be alone with all you are going through. No one can fully understand the pain that your going through, and it would be wrong to say I do, because Im not you, and your experiences and feelings are unique to you. I can appreciate the pain of having lost very signficant people in my life and all I can offer is the knowledge that in time things can begin to feel less raw for a lot of people who have suffered lots of loss. You wont forget, you wont ever be able to do that, but what you can do is grieve for those losses, and learn over time to manage them so that its not as raw for you as it feels right now. I hope you can find the strength within to allow yourself the time you need to grieve, to reach out when you are able and to come to know you are not alone, that people care, and even if they cant make things right for you, can give you that shoulder to lean on. Perhaps when things feel less tender for you, you could think of a way to remember those you love and who you have lost in a way that would bring you some comfort.
I don't have anything I have to do today. I could probably clean a bit, but I don't want to. I plan on doing nothing but watching tv and maybe coloring or something today. Maybe knitting. I never did finish that rug for my Gramma. This is nice. Very nice. 🙂
@BeeLeigh Bee you could play with me, it is not much fun playing hangman by yourself. I boardgames as well.
@AmalieAnne
I'm not good at coming up with words for hangman. Maybe you could play an electronic version? There's a lot of websites that have games like that! :)
@BeeLeigh there is 
@AmalieAnne
Yeah! I used to play that kind of game online all the time when I was younger! Sometimes I still play the geography games on this website: https://www.sheppardsoftware.com/
@AmalieAnne
Forgot I could make this an actual link when I posted. Sorry!
Yeah! I used to play that kind of game online all the time when I was younger! Sometimes I still play the geography games on this website: https://www.sheppardsoftware.com/
@BeeLeigh thank you, I was play the word games but aghhh so started with the math and then geography
@BeeLeigh Oh why did you not get around to completing the rug Bee? Perhaps that could be a littel goal you set yourself?
@dancingRainbow45
Between homework for school, homework for therapy, my actual work that allows me to afford both of those, and the somewhat frequent breakdowns, I haven't had any time. I told her I was making it and gave her something else in the meantime, but I just haven't had a chance to finish it because I'm either overworking myself or trying to take a small break. Like, tomorrow I have my brother's graduation to attend, and it's kinda far away, and then Sunday is Mother's Day so I'll be at my other gramma's all day, so I think today is just me time. But I don't have school again until the summer semester starts May 22! And it's only one class, so I should be okay. Fall is gonna kill me though, cuz I'm registered for 6 classes. I might drop one. I'm not sure. I really want to graduate in 4yrs, so I'm trying to get all the credits I need, but it's a LOT to deal with
I decided to brave my anxiety and go to the clinic to talk to the doctor about medication, which has been recommended to me to help me cope. I do not like it, but I had a clear message that it was needed. I had some family and friends help me through the anxiety attack that creates for me (shaking, trembling hands, racing heart, slurred speech, dissociation - fun times), despite having to be there alone (thank you smart phones!) and it really helped. It sucked, but I did it and even though the doctor didn't have much time I accomplished my goal. Now to convince myself to take them. That's a whole other battle. He told me don't start unless I'm willing to commit to it. Ugh.
@KatieMoon1
I'm really proud of you for taking that step, because it's certainly not an easy one
@BeeLeigh
Thanks! It completely sucked and I felt extremely vulnerable but it's done. :/ Now to deal with the meds.
@KatieMoon1
It absolutely does suck. It's not a fun position to be in. But it is so brave to ask for that help, and you should be proud of yourself for having the courage to do so
@BeeLeigh Thank you. I kind of look at it as self care - the types of self care you don't really like to do, but are important and necessary for your well being. :)
@KatieMoon1
That'S a great way to look at it! 😊
I made myself a berry smoothie and it was actually pretty good, so, at least I got that goin' for me :)
@BeeLeigh Oh nice :) If you like Kiwi, banana and strawberry that makes a fantastic smoothie
@dancingRainbow45
I do! And I have some bananas and a thing of cut up strawberries and kiwi so I'll have to try that! :)
@BeeLeigh Did you get around to trying it Bee?
@dancingRainbow45
I did actually! It was really good! I made it to take with me on Saturday cuz my brother's graduation was kinda far away so I had it in the car 😊
@BeeLeigh Cool, well its one of my favourite smoothies :) glad you liked. Will have to swap you some smoothie recipes
@dancingRainbow45
That would be awesome! 😊
@dancingRainbow45
here weekend started ;)
@conscientiousPineapple1782 Here too :) Hows yours going? Up to anything exciting?
Nothing seems to go as planned, rainy, dreary weather doesn't help, but the worst is having to move again, when my kids get out of school on a month.
@jr50 Whats the latest with your move Jr? Have you found somewhere to live yet?
@dancingRainbow45. No , might be living in our RV for the summer. But not sure how to do that, can't afford to park at a campground, maybe I can find friends with lots of property, it is 35 ft.
Very rough. Night terrors last night. i can tell that it took me forever to wake up because my body was in a state of one giant tense and painful muscle. My bed was soaked with sweat from fighting with them
@Usedbody Hi there, im really sorry to hear you have been having night terrors. Is this something that happens a lot for you? How do you try and manage these when they happen? Would having information on how to make bedtimes/sleep a little easier for you help at all? Sometimes putting into place some routines and relaxaton methods can sometimes help people who struggle with sleep difficulties. It may not prevent night terrors from happening, but it may make you feel a little more in control when they do.
@dancingRainbow45
I take prazosin for nightmares. Prazosin doesn't seem to help with the terrors thoigh. I'll stay up for up to 7-8 days, when I start with psychosis then I try to sleep