Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check In Monday 30th October 2017
We talk about a lot of heavy things on this subcommunity. I think perhaps we get so caught up in the nitty gritty that we forget about the day to day. There are many things I struggle with every day. They are little things that all add up and whenever I'm in a spiral the small things suddenly become my biggest barriers to being functional. My personal barriers are hygiene (but specifically showering), low self esteem, social anxiety, and escapism. I don't really want to overshare here, but I feel like we often downplay these daily barriers that we have. We get so used to having to deal with them that it's like we stop forgiving ourselves. Like they're the things that other people can do, so we should be able to do them. When we start handling things better, and they get easier to do, we take that for granted.
When I get stressed, no matter where the stress comes from, it is instantly more difficult for me to shower. Because of having a hard time with hygiene there's a snowball effect of feeling gross and ashamed of myself. Feeling gross and then looking gross means I feel petrified at the idea of going outside and having people see me. At this point I'm getting overwhelmed that these basic things have taken over my life and I fall into escapist behaviours like playing videogames or reading. I try to distract myself for as long as I can.
There is a bright side to this. These barriers affect me so regularly that they are actually the things I have the most practise in defeating. Normally it all comes down to showering. If I can just take that first step, it eases the pain of all the subsequent symptoms. So how do I get myself to shower? I have to tackle what exactly is bothering me. Most of the time it comes down to being unhappy with myself at a very core level. This unhappiness turns into self loathing and disgust, and in the shower my body is at its most vulnerable. So I have to brainstorm strategies to get me through this. Sometimes I play music and sing really really loud. Sometimes I'll do something that gets me all dirty so that I can use showering as more of a reflex; sometimes I think about how soothing and hot the water will be. Etc. You get the idea, I take it one step at a time and problem solve one thing at a time. I only do what I can handle and slowly but surely I'm able to climb out of the hole.
It is hard to accept that these will probably be barriers for the rest of my life. All I can do is continue to work on it and get more and more practised at fighting through them. I constantly have to forgive myself for struggling in this way, and I try to remind myself to be proud when I do them, especially if it was hard, but also especially if it was easy. When it's easy sometimes it's habitual to brush it off, but we need to remember to be proud even then.
What are your daily barriers? What are your strategies to overcome them? Do you want to brainstorm more ideas here with us? If this isn't a conversation you can handle right now, no sweat. How are you feeling today?
Thanks for coming to the check in today guys!! You rock!
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Reading this made me cry because that is also exactly how I feel about going in the shower. Sometimes the vulnerability is just something I know I won't be able to tolerate so I don't do it. Knowing I will see people usually gives me a reason to get through this. But today is the third day in a row without a shower and my ex/future boyfriend (we are on a break) just cancelled our plans for tonight so I just lost my reason to get up and look after myself.
@Kuma0187 Hugs Kuma. I'm sorry your suffering today. Having an unstable relationship can really bring us down. Please do try to not let things take you so hard hon. I know you feel really sad right now, perhaps it's a good time to do something nice for yourself? Maybe if your not ready for a shower, you could begin with simply washing your face, maybe take a wash cloth to your arm pits so as to not be writhing in stinkeyness? Just a little at a time hon. Take a simple step, and do it for you. 
@Raveninthelabrynth4
Thanks, I haven't managed to do anything. But it is nearly bedtime and I will have to shower in the morning before I go out to my art class so that will make me do it.
@Kuma0187 Thanks so much for sharing this with us Kuma, I know that couldn't have been easy to post. Using external things like "having to see people" is a great tool to use. Like you said though it is a bit unreliable. Do you have any strategies to use when seeing people doesn't work out? Reasons that are accountable to yourself? I know that's a tough question to ask, and believe me, it's a hard one for me as well, but we are here to support each other and you are safe :)
I am a vegan, and thusly love to cook and bake-onky egen I'm depressed (which is all the time lately)) I either don't eat- (whats the point) or eat very poorly. I struggle with getting out of bed as I've got chronic migraines at a level 7 or higher nearly 24 out if 30 days. I'm in pain and it hurts to move, the negative thought patterns start and I'm in too much distress to stop them.
@sympatheticTurtle6871 Hi turtle, thanks so much for checking in today. Having the added difficulty of cooking and baking only vegan, having to figure out how to cover your nutritional bases must add a level of difficulty for that you're just not ready for when in a negativity spiral. It's like if I need to shower but I know I have to do my hair special after, I dread having to do that extra stuff, despite actually enjoying doing my hair in general.
What strategies do you currently use to try to combat this? Do you have a list of some easier to make meals, perhaps bean based that you can whip up easily and store for long times? Are there pasta based meals you can perhaps make a lot of and then freeze and store? What do you think of these ideas? Can you think of some more to add?
Great work facing these things, you did an amazing thing today by talking about this :)
I had no idea that so many others struggle with such basic tasks. Yet I still feel like it is very much my own personal struggle and may be I struggle for different reasons than most here.
Yes, I have the voice of the inner critic. It can become almost constant. To the point that I become paranoid and fear that I can be seen almost at all times. That something can see me and is watching and disapproves of me - all of me from the inside-out. It interferes with my whole being. I dont know if this is some type of depression or what it is exactly. Im very ashamed of myself and what I have become so I hide from most everything and most everyone.
Even right now, Ive been wanting to take a bath for too long now but the self-hate wont let me. Which adds more self-hate. Its getting worse lately and I fear Ill lose my job because I wont take care of myself and I cant leave my house.
Whatever this is - if its just extreme body shame or what - its ruining things. I need help.
@themainjane Hi Jane :) thanks for your post. I think you would be surprized just how much people can struggle with basic tasks and yet people can also seem very accomplished in other areas of life which can seem to appear contradictory when someone can cope with somnething complicated and yet day to day tasks they fall apart over. Everyone has their struggles even if those are different ones compared to the next person. When you are holding yourselves together, trying to cope with whats happened in the past, how it affects your future, physical and emotional needs, inability to take care of basic needs perhaps because of self hatred, self loathing, inability to attend medical appointments perhaps out of fear of touch, or inability to cope with emotions, it will become difficult at times to manage those very simple things. If we dont take care of our physical needs, our emotional needs suffer and if we neglect our health, we may become exhausted, unable to think straight, unable to get adequate sleep perhaps due to fear of nightmares, unable to go out because we dont feel safe and so on. The list goes on. Some of you may hide just how hard you struggle whereas others will share with struggles.
There is a saying about how we dont appreciate the little things in life, and this checkin topic reminded me of that in the sense, that sometimes its those simple things in life such as getting up, washing, dressing, eating, attending to all round needs that can be so hard for individuals to cope with. For me the idea of sitting down and writing a letter is a hard thing, shopping because of crowds is a struggle, if Im tired, I dont want to get up but because I am a night owl I dont always get adequate sleep because I prefer to be awake and when your tired, small everyday things can feel insurmountable. for you, it will be other things you find hard and you are not alone. Perhaps try not giving youself a hard time over what you cant do, but feel proud more so of those small things that you do manage to achieve in your day because thats good enough :)
And when you doing battle with the inner critic, everyday tasks become harder, because you your putting yourself under pressure to achieve whilst also doing battle with the gremlin that wants to demean your efforts.
Perhaps in terms of the bath, break that task down into small steps and try and achieve a few of them. And as you say not having a bath with make you have more self hate so perhaps doing it no matter how hard it is to do, will actually make you feel better about yourself and stop the additional self hate from being added on top of how you generally feel about yourself.
@dancingRainbow45
Thank you Rain. I forgot all you said even tho Ive read it three times now. 🙄
Something about trying anyway which I did and it feels better but Im not sure what else Ill get done today. Maybe something. Maybe later. I dont push myself enough yet it still seems almost more than I can handle.
Ill get there. I hope.
@themainjane You will get there Jane. I think sometimes you are a little harsh on yourself and maybe dont always see what you are managing to do and the very fact you hang in there even when the going gets tough is a massive achievement in itself. Baby steps sometimes get us to where we want and wish to be :)
@themainjane Jane, thanks so much for checking in today :) It takes a lot of strength to show this type of vulnerability. Most of the people I know with extreme self critic like you have tend to be perfectionists. If you can't do a task absolutely perfectly (which is often a ridiculously unsurmountable task because what is showering perfectly exactly?) then you put yourself down so much that you can't do anything at all. 100% or 0%, nothing in between is good enough. I think sometimes, even the mere fact that the task was difficult to do, can be enough for us to criticize ourselves because it shouldn't be hard or something. Do you think that perfectionism could be a factor for you?
@Hoxenos
If so, Im more on the ‘nothing side of things right now. It takes effort to do most things. I just want to hide and for things to magically get better. Putting in the work is difficult. Im still trying with very, very small things but its hit and miss, stop and go. I need to address that so I can build momentum but its like trying to displace an angry badger from its hole. Still in the fight tho, I hope.
I want a good week. I want a week where I make progress.
@themainjane How would you measure a week in which you made progree? Normally when we look week to week the changes can be so small that we cannot soo the improvement. I often try to compare to 6 months ago to see and real change. How would you personally measure improvement in a week? Perhaps setting concrete goals (But realistic ones) could help you measure your improvement.
@Hoxenos
week of progress would include meeting at least 2 self care needs a day, preferably 3.
And going outside at least twice. Doing a chore a day. Making some meals.
I still never put on socks but I did get warmer over time. I did bathe, eat, seek some warmth and sleep. Was a hard day.
I dont want to lose ground but I feel myself slipping.
@themainjane
I cant meet all my self care needs on any given day. I got somethings done and now Im freezing. I should move around and do some things but that means facing my dirty house and Im tired and cold and still waiting from having just met my last challenge.
So now Im under a cover with two hoodies on, the heater off and a few windows cracked. Its about 64 degrees in here and Im cold. But ... one thing at a time, I guess. I should put on socks.
I know this is all stupid but my level of self care is next to nil. I thought maybe if I put it out there someone could tell me what is wrong with me.
@Hoxenos
What are your daily barriers? What are your strategies to overcome them? Do you want to brainstorm more ideas here with us? If this isn't a conversation you can handle right now, no sweat. How are you feeling today?
I too much care about what others think and sometimes may pressure myself too much... I try to have faith and have my moments when I relax. I try to be honest as much I can with others. I used to and overthink, worry so much what could go wrong. I feel today confused and like froze by fear ...
@conscientiousPineapple1782 Hey Pineapple, thanks so much for participating today :) pressuring ourselves because of what others see is so hard to deal with because a part of us always doubts positives that people say, but internalize all the negatives.
My favourite strategy for dealing with this is creating a person who has an identical history to you. You look at her and ask if it's ok what she's doing and how she's looking. I find it's so easy for us to be like of course they're doing the best they can under the circumstances!! But then we look at ourselves and say we're not good enough. People are rarely so hard on each other because we all know how hard life is. Have you ever tried looking at yourself like an observer? It's a tricky exercise to get the hang of, but perhaps it could be useful for you.
@Hoxenos
No, but imagined inner child... It doesn't sound bad to try :). Thanks!
I forgot a picture today!! So here you guys go!!
This is such a brilliant topic. I wish that I could have provided a more personal response. It was definitely something that I struggled with for a very long time. Long before I was consciously aware of the extent of the trauma I would absolutely have horrible thoughts about myself worth while lacking any true insight. Things can still be difficult. Sometimes it takes me hours to simply get in the shower. Most of the time things come in waves or around sensitive times now. It makes it easier to plan, less frustrating and I am less likely to be late or cancel an engagement. I appreciate your honesty as I felt very alone given some of these very basic activities. I have to remind myself that they may seem ‘basic to many but feel like monumental tasks to me sometimes. It truly helped me to practice self compassion when I finally understood the reasons for my personal struggles. I do the best I can and some days are just hard. Today was one of those days. I wrestled with guilt, shame and numerous other critical issues before I gave myself a break. I was exhausted so opened the windows, let the cool breeze gently flow through my room, curled up with my favorite comforter and slept. It was not planned but I trusted my body and feel so much better. We will take tomorrow as it comes. I am giving myself a lot of extra time so I dont have to push. Being gentle with oneself is such a nice change.
