Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-In : Monday, September 11th, 2017
Hello everyone! 
This is my first check-in for you all in the Trauma forums as I have recently joined this team. I would like to introduce myself to everyone, at first.
My name is Halogen and I have been a listener here at 7cups from November 5th, 2015. And I am glad to be a part of this community. 
Like everyone else, there is a story to my side as well. Trauma does affect individuals at some point of their lives and life after that never stays the same as they get something else to bear and walk with, for the rest of their lives. But with proper care, motivation and acceptance, dealing with trauma becomes managable.
In this check-in, please let us know how your day has started/gone, what kind of difficulties you had to go through relating to your trauma and how you had to deal with them.
We all are fighters, nonetheless. And that makes us special.
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I feel like we've got a number of new trauma listeners, or whatever we call you guys
It's been one of those days. I hate talking about tc, I feel like he doesn't understand, that yes getting help can be traumatizing, yes i get that, but some of what they were doing, was genuinely wrong! And illegal! And I feel like he doesn't understand that.
I don't remember the stuff they did right because it is stored as a proper memory not a trauma memory, all I remember is the trauma.
So I actually did study today which is a trigger for me because being shamed and ridiculed in public was normal. Long story.
Then found out my therapist is sick and so no appointment tomorrow. At least I get to catch up on sleep.
@Tenacity37 Hi tenacity, yes we are trying to get some more good people on the trauma team so that we can keep offering you all the support you deserve and to hopefully increase the sessions, open chat sessions we offer etc. Due to self care, things can be difficult at times, so the more help we have aboard trauma, the more we can continue to offer you guys what you need :)
Who are you meaning when you said, you feel he doesn't understand?
It is not surprizing that you don't remember what happened to you, and its not uncommon for trauma survivors to blank off experiences they have had as a way of coping and surviving at the time. You say you remember the trauma but not all the stuff that happened. Are you glad you dont remember, or do you get frustrated by that?
How does it feel with your therapist being off sick? Hope you manage to catch up on some sleep today as it sounds your day so far has been difficut for you.
@dancingRainbow45
1. Who are you meaning when you said, you feel he doesn't understand?
my pastor
2. when i mean that i don't remember all of it, is that i struggle to remember any of the good stuff, i remember a substantial amount of the trauma. yes i do get frustrated by it though.
I mean the trauma is stored in a different part of the brain and so the good memories, are in a different area.
3. i dont like that my therapist is sick, as i only get to see her once every 4 weeks. i understand though, her being sick.
@Halogen Welcome to the community, Halogen. ☺️
Today is...a day. Trying my best to manage without judgement amid ongoing sleep disruption/nightmares and emotional flashbacks. Am getting better at allowing the feelings to be present, but still find it hard not to get triggered and stuck into bouts of inner criticism sometimes.
All part of the journey.
Anyway, looking forward to getting to know you and all the other new team members. ⛺
^^ I feel like I've posted a variation of the preceding a bajillion times since joining the community. Sigh. 🙃
@melliotm
Post a new variation every day if you want! We love having you around, even when you're not feeling so great ❤️
@melliotm Hey Mellio how are you doing? Its good to see you posting, and you know you can do that anytime you need It sounds as if your making steps in the right direction, particularly with just allowing feelings to be what they are, to experience them and not fight them? It is all part of the process of healing, as uncomfortable as it can feel. How are you managing the flashbacks?
@dancingRainbow45 Hey Raine 🙂 I'm managing them as best I can. Got triggered pretty badly last night a few hours before bedtime and haven't slept all that much as a result. I try to keep every skill, resource and support at hand when available, but sometimes it still feels like it's too much. And so this morning I'm overwhelmed by and overthinking about everything. It feels like my inner critic has me backed into a corner and I'm helpless, that everything I'm doing is wrong, that I'm burdensome and overreacting and every possible minimization and invalidation I could possibly come up with. Haven't been eating properly on top of everything (ie, subconsciously restricting) and feel extremely overtired, which doesn't help matters. Overall, I feel awful. And I feel awful for feeling awful, because it feels like I should feel better. Or at least that's what the judgemental thoughts I'm having are saying.
@melliotm Hey Mellio, good to hear from you Im glad to hear your hanging in there. I know it gets tiresome and frustrating when things are not there we wish them to be, but things will improve for you. Its good to know that even when you have been triggered or perhaps are struggling more so because of lack of sleep that your able to try and draw on the things that could help you get through those difficult times a little better. Its not always easy, I can appreciate that, but it sounds as if you are really trying to help yourself. Healing and working through what has happened, is very individual. There are no time limits, no set period of time that things should be better. Everyone is individual and their resources too can make things easier or harder depending on how much support someone has. It can be exhausting coping with trauma and we can be very tough on ourselves when we feel the process is slow etc. The inner critic just wants you to feel even worse, to repeat most likely all the kind of things others said to you over time that were negative and critical. Try and shut the inner critic out and challenge it with thoughts such as "Im still here, I havent given up, Im not a quitter, I am a fighter and I am doing the very best I can within my limitations and capabilities right now and that is good enough!!"
With regards your triggers, with those you are aware of, are you able to foresee these happening? Or are these triggers that come out of the blue for you? And you know too, its okay to give yourself some time off from dealing with trauma. I don't see anyone here in trauma community judging you for where things are at and with how your feeling. Perhaps the one person being tough on themselves is you? Take care of yourself <3
@Halogen
Hi! Welcome! This is a great place for support, glad to have you here.
My day is starting slowly, but I at least got the kids to school. *yay* I have a gut disease and it's kicking my @ss right now so I'm feeling pretty blah. But, one day at a time.
@Halogen
Great to see another addition to the trauma team. Hello and welcome :)
So you posted on a good day for me. Today I faced up to my abuser. He's someone who's still reluctantly in my life as I haven't felt able to cut those ties - he's family. But I've not been feeling very favourably towards him to say the least. And today I told him some of why. I didn't mention the abuse, but I did talk about his current behaviour, his lack of respect, his disregard for others, the hurt he creates yet doesn't even see. And he saw it, or at least a bit of it. He made lots of excuses, but he sounded like it reached him, like he had a small insight, something to reflect on. So I'm feeling pretty pleased, fighting back, living with trauma and surviving.
Great community, and good to have you here 🌟
@BestIcanbe Wow, you have had quite a day!!! How did it feel confronting your abuser? Did you feel empowered at all by what you did? That was such a massive thing for you to have done, and a courageous step? You are surviving and thriving!! Dont be surprised if you may have a mixture of emotions after doing this, it was a big thing to have done. It sounds from your post as if your abuser was reluctant at first to accept responsibility but perhaps having someone face him with the kind of things you did, made him begin to confront his behaviour?
@dancingRainbow45
Yeah! I could have kept this to myself, though I'm bursting with it. Or I could have shared it privately. But apart from just wanting to shout it from the rooftops for my own release, I also wanted to reassure people we can survive and thrive! We can move on. We can reclaim our lives. We can put our needs out there as important!
Yes, it's empowering, freeing, maybe just a little scary (did I do/say the right thing)? But I'd say it again, I'm proud I said it, and I just feel a bit more whole to have said it. Maybe that's my self esteem coming back. Whatever it is, I'm loving it!
@BestIcanbe Im really pleased for you that you felt able to do this for yourself. You are surviving and you are thriving. That doesnt mean you wont get tough days, but when they happen you can remind yourself of this day, where you felt strong and empowered Im proud of you and you should be of you too :) Dont let anyone tell you different!!!
Yeah! I could have kept this to myself, though I'm bursting with it. Or I could have shared it privately. But apart from just wanting to shout it from the rooftops for my own release, I also wanted to reassure people we can survive and thrive! We can move on. We can reclaim our lives. We can put our needs out there as important! Perhaps you are beginning to recognise that you do matter, that your needs matter and that what happened was NOT your fault!!!
Welcome to the team!!
It is nice to know that you are going to be here with an experiential presence. It is genuinely helpful to remind us that things do become manageable.
Thank you for being an integral part of the much needed inspiration to take a deep breath and smile today. A beautiful way to find peace during a challenging moment.
@Halogen
Meow!
Sorry for venting about stuff in the previous check-in. Blarf. Sometimes I feel like a helpless fish or something. Today I feel better. More aware, but still kinda disassociating. Gettin' my schoolwork done when I'm not so distracted. It's hard to work into a routine after so many years of this disassociation and murkiness. This year and the last I finally was able to really connect with what day it was and all. While I want to be more organized, I feel like just sticking to things like the Pomodoro thing for my work for now.
Have a meeting tomorrow. Always worried that I'll be a disappointment or something... university stuff brings that about due to the last time I went nearly ten years ago and the life-changing traumatic events that occurred. There's progress being made, but it can be hard to not compare yourself to others who are flying through this stuff and %100 at everything. Lucky I just study or even get up some days.
@CaloenasNicobarica
Everyone is different, so try to be kind and nonjudgmental to yourself ❤️
@BeeLeigh
Thanks, BeeLeigh. :)
It's something that I've been working on in my psych appointments. I think the worst thing is that feeling that way makes me a bit more judgmental towards others and cynical- and I've known some people who are overachievers who are just trying to get through the day, too. Who DO have issues and stuff going on. So kindness to yourself pretty much will exude and make the kindness and compassion flow to others as well. <3
@CaloenasNicobarica
I am totally one of those overachievers lol. At home I'm either doing homework or huddled under my comforter watching Netflix. At work, I'm actually like two weeks ahead on everything I'm able to do in advance. But it takes me forEVER to get out of bed in the morning, and even longer to get ready. I'm late to work almost every day, and my administrator actually just moved our normal 9am meeting to 9:30 because of me. I can't get anywhere on time to save my life. But all my work is always done for school and work (and I even get killer grades!), even when I have 53 assignments in one weekend 🙃
@BeeLeigh
O___O; So, reading your stuff I'm a bit envious. Are you bragging? XD
Like...as someone on the other side of the "spectrum" of this stuff, I'm wondering what your motivation towards your overachievement is? You don't have to answer, it's just something I've been terribly curious about.
As far as my...well, lacking to do things and barely do them on time. It's due to my tendencies to get punished for literally ANY wrong growing up thanks to my seemingly narcissistic behavior of my parents. So I basically just put things aside, avoidant as all get out. Not to mention some trauma involved with rather dire consequences. That leads to just plain stagnation. I've always been envious of people who seemed to have their crap together. Like, why wasn't I a survivor like them? It feels horrible. I know there must be pain for those who cope but try to so hard and such... but I feel kinda weird. Really wonder what the motivation is...
@CaloenasNicobarica
It's mostly a fear of failure. I'm so worried about messing up or not having something done that I double and triple check everything and sometimes just do extra. I live on my own. If I fail at work I could end up with nothing. Again. It's not exactly a motivation to get things done, but more a fear of not getting something done. For me, anyway 🤷🏼♀️
@BeeLeigh
Thanks for replying back to me, BeeLeigh. What you said makes a lot of sense. There's a bit of a parallel to it. Like fear of failure as the baseline. Here's to recovery and self-compassion for the both of us and everyone here!