Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-In : Monday, September 25th, 2017
Hello everyone! 
٩(◕‿◕｡)۶
Hope everyone is doing okay 
I have had a busy week as I had to venture out of my house to visit my uncles. It was good as I had been sitting in my house for quite sometime.
This is true about life as well. Stagnancy isn't what life is about. Things should move on as when things move, we get to see new things and know better things! 
Sometimes, new changes do affect us in some unwanted ways as well and that is what restricts some of us from reaching further. But the thing is, when we are trying to reach out to something new or venturing into a new territory, we are bound to face some hardships. So it is needed to have some form of support along with us so that the journey doesn't look formidable!
Please let us know how is your day going, what all have you planned for the day, what challenges are your facing and how are you planning to tackle them.
And please remember..... We all are fighters, nonetheless. And that makes us special.
To add / remove tag, please click --> here
@Avaray @vriska44 @Shadeshack @BeeLeigh @Faeryschild @dancingRainbow45 @Lavendermoonlight @KLM3278 @sujaypai
@sweetMelody95 @jr50 @agreeableKite4304 @PhoenixPatronus @Morfo66 @themainjane @raycascotch
@KatieMoon1 @conscientiousPineapple1782 @Tamba @inventiveOrange1 @Jenna0903 @melliotm @PanamaBanana
@AutumnLeigh @DeborahUK @PuppyLove13 @HearingYourHeart @vriska @TreesandWine
@guyb @Sharkradio @MKjart @AnnaKateMillerLCSW @Tamba @Celestialvoid @WaterLily16 @TheAsh @MKJart @Asiam1971 @philosophicalship9444 @rumplesteeleskin @Survivetoalive @exuberantTriangle2562 @coraline23 @Lilyflower0817 @caterpillargirl @Survivetoalive @exuberantTriangle2562 @coraline23 @Ivorycat5573 @fearlessPear8268 @themainjane @SemicolonSurvivor @weare1 @weareall1 @Annaka1 @moonchild95 @summernight69 @sheaintgotnoshoes
@rationalWillow8882 @AMusicalSilence @catsith @energeticPenny8 @Rebekahwriter13 @behindhazeleyes @sensitiveShade5337
@singercrystalspirit @wittyTree8219 @Ocendade @Rpjrx @Brooke12 @tenacity37 @Autismaunt14 @Raveninthelabrynth
@Axeman53 @kkSp3nc3 @22charms
Thank you for the words of encouragement, @Halogen.
Do you struggle with going outside?
I've been wanting to find others who struggle with depression and agoraphobia or social anxiety or avoidance difficulties.
Still haven't heard back from my doctor. Left another voicemail. Beginning to wonder if I should just double my dose in the meantime.
Something's gotta give.
@themainjane hugs. Hope you do hear from the doc soon. Please dont double doses of medication without advice. It could be damaging. Im sorry i cant help more with that on here. Hang in there. Hugs
@inventiveOrange1
Thank you, Orange. I did double dose already before I read this. I know it will be okay, tho.
I just felt like I had to try something. Been down this road enough times to know it's time to check my medication. I want all the help I can get to stave this off.
@themainjane Hi Jane, good to see your post :) Depression and social anxiety can be really disabling for many people. Sometimes this is linked to how someone views themselves, their levels of self confidence and even body image and self esteem issues. There are lots of reasons people struggle with social anxiety and perhaps others here who also share this difficulty will be able to offer some words of wisdom on how to begin to tackle this. Very often tho depression and anxiety can escalate someones fears, which then prevent them from wanting to go out. The hardest thing to do can be to go with them and through them and to do the very thing you are so frightened of. You can always begin with baby steps, set yourself a small goal and work towards achieving that. Its easy to avoid things we find hard, but even if we avoid things, eventually we still have to face them.
Please always check with a doctor when it comes to changing dosage of medication, for your healths sake
@dancingRainbow45
Thank you for replying. Yes, it's all of those.
@themainjane
My husband is on me to call my boss. My mom is texting about housing options. We have to move. Job - do I still have one?
Can't handle either of them or these situations right now. I haven't even been dressed in days. Last time stepped outside was .. Tuesday?
@themainjane Agoraphobic solidarity, Jane. Undue pressure to push beyond your limits (subjective, circumstantial, situational) will only fortify the barrier, especially when trying to find the right dosage. One baby step at a time, even if that means you don't cross the threshold for days on end.
@melliotm
Thank you for understanding. It's debilitating and preventable it would seem -- this mindset. But I don't seem to ever overcome it very well. Always ending back up at square one. It just won't let me go.
Doctor's office called. The doctor who signed off is in the hospital and not expected to make it. :(
I never met him. My doctor cannot prescribe new medications without his permission. She is giving stabilized patients six months notice and referring others to seek help elsewhere. I thought she got me, I liked her. But seems that's coming to an end.
She was able to up my meds and add one. So hopefully that will be called in soon.
My husband is angry with me, our funds are getting low and my mother is telling me about job openings. Why can't just do life? :/
The thought of overdosing crossed my mind for first time again today. But I won't, surely.
Sorry Mellio,
Didn't mean for that last part to be addressed to you.
I only put it here in this forum to take the power out of the thought - does that make sense? Not trying to alarm anyone. Just trying to take preventative measures.
I'm not sure what to do or who to talk to.
It's sad that while a man lies dying and unresponsive I am here fully alive and yet not very grateful.
I don't know how to feel about it. Good news is that I could take that whole bottle - what's left and it wouldn't be fatal.
Why does this always happen to me this time of year? Why do I feel compelled to do these things? It's like something gets ahold of me.
@themainjane hang on to each hour Jane. I know those feelings and thats all they are. You can get through this. If you can as hubby to hold the meds for you so you wont be tempted. Tight hugs
@inventiveOrange1
Thank you, Orange. You are right. They are only feelings. I slept through them and I think I should be fine for the rest of the night.
@themainjane
You will find the answers you seek in a gentle way. Anniversary dates can be difficult, especially if we push ourselves too hard. Be sure you seek the support you need and keep those boundaries with those who may be pushing you away from what you need in this moment. Be mindful of the coping strategies you have in place for times like this. They are all in there so trust in yourself. Outside pressures are difficult and may sound practical, but often they add to our feelings of shame, guilt etc. I can only speak from my experience though. Had I succumbed to the pressure to rush back to work without being in a reasonably good place, it would have caught up with me quickly. I am glad I reached out and did the work I needed to so I could feel more confident and secure. Again, it is just my experience. I hope you will continue to share your feelings with us. We all heal differently. Just keep going at your pace.
@Compassionatelistener108
Thank you.💜 You've given me much to think about. Part of me thinks I am responsible to my mother-- to make her happy. She only wants what is best for me (job, etc). Another part realizes that she doesn't truly understand how I feel or how I struggle. Neither does my spouse. But we all have our struggles. They have their own struggles and I'm not sure I honor that any better than they honor mine.
@themainjane
It is rare when an individual can engage in self-compassion during the most difficult circumstances while simultaneously having an acute intent to demonstrate compassion for the views of others. What a beautiful and loving post! All we can ask of one another is to consider the perspectives of others as it represents their reality. Keep looking within as your words are so insightful. I will be thinking of you as you continue to determine what you need to heal. You communicate beautifully.
@Halogen thanks. have been pushing all help away lately. mainly because i dont feel i deserve any. But also because it scares me and im afraid of acknowledging how bad things are and that emdr could even help a little.
Im scared of hurting family if they noticd how bad i am so havent seen them. Shared some with hubby but he has no idea how to help and gets frustrated and angry with me for not eating or taking care of myself.
Trying really hard to convince myself that they dont deserve better and thst i need to stick around and keep trying.
At least went to therapy and said some of the stuff. She said i am almost as bad as was 16 ywars ago but am trying harder and have hubby to help. She is concerned im not wanting to see doc though she knows im adamant about no meds. Ive told her i need to survive to my grandparents memorial in a few weeks. Going to try.
@inventiveOrange1
You can do this! Remember what you are suffering from is not your fault and is fixable!
I don't know what you're going through, but there was also a time for me not so long ago where I just didn't think I could live anymore, and others kept me going. And I'm glad they did. Depression sucks and it kills and we ve got to remember that it's an illness like any other and we have to fight. Find that little strength in you, however small it may be. It's like fire, it just needs a small flame and with the right ingredients, it can burn and roar.
I hope you find that flame in you and let it roar! You deserve to live and you deserve to be happy and know that this will pass, you won't and cannot feel this way forever. Do you remember a time where you were happy/joyful/content? It is in you to be that way again, and you will. <3
@WaterLily16 thanks. im glad you got through it. Im trying to remember better times though very difficult. Been doing cycles four years with six losses. Dont remember what normal life is anymore. Therapist seems surprised im able to get up and go to work. She knows its because its all i have but doesnt know its comforting to be therr close to things that could end it easier. I was meant to get rid of stuff but doing that is impossible.
@inventiveOrange1 Hi Orange. How long have you been pushing away your help and support? How does it make you feel if someone does stand back? Taking help can be scary, not only because it puts you in a vulnerable position but also it takes trust in another person, something that doesnt come easy for trauma survivors. Facing our pasts can be really hard, but what can also be scary is the possibility of hope, of things changing for the better, because its a bit of an unknown quantity. And change in itself can be pretty scary but sometimes you just have to go with the fear and do it anyway. If you don't would you not say the fear keeps you trapped, stuck and are you happy with where things are at now for yourself? Or would you like things to be different?
Sometimes when it comes to relatives and friends, the more they can read, the better they may be to appreciate what could help and what doesnt. However, sometimes we also need to let others know what we need. Sometimes we assume people should know, that they should be mindreaders, and those that know you well, may be able to see beyond the surface but often, its takes us opening up bit by bit, so that they can offer the support we need. Not easy to do I know And it involves taking a risk in trusting
@dancingRainbow45 thanks. Been pushing away for some time. Just safer for them i guess. You are right family dont understand grief mixed with trauma. Hubby gets it but doesnt know why i still blame myself entirely for it. Its safer for me to not say that to them.
Also safer not to say how bad it is as dont want hospital again. I know that was 16 years ago and different things and circumstances but im not going back. Im afraid if family are involved i may not get a choice again.
@inventiveOrange1 
⛺❤️
@melliotm hugs melli. In fort. staying for the night.
@inventiveOrange1 Good job. Scratch that off today's to-do list. ❤️❤️❤️⛺
@Halogen Yesterday I didn't get to finish the group discussion (And It was so good! I loved the parts I was there for, good work you guys involved!) because my boyfriend and I had a bit of an argument. I haven't been feeling as well the last week or so and I haven't been communicating well. We are long distance so if we're not communicating... we're not really interacting at all and the distance becomes palpable. I had a really tough night talking through how I was feeling with him. It was very emotionally draining but it was a conversation that needed to be had on both sides and we both feel better for it.
I was feeling uncomfortable opening up about being sad all the time. I feel like it's a burden on people because if you're sad ALL the time then maybe they'll get sick of always going "how can I help?" and eventually resent you not getting better. I had a very unhealthy relationship before this one and so on top of my childhood trauma I'm repairing relationship wounds. My boyfriend is absolutely wonderful and patient and I am so thankful for our communication, even though it can be hard sometimes.
Spicy food hurts my stomach, and indirect object pronouns in Spanish hurts my brain. My day in a nutshell 🙃
Please let us know how is your day going: day is going ok trying to stay awake was a bit of a challenge after sleeping almost all weekend even though my bday yesterday.
what all have you planned for the day: went to lunch with a coworker than it was her bday today although it was a struggle i faught though it and did ok. and got though work better today than have past couple weeks its been so HOT and today was very cool with rain
what challenges are your facing and how are you planning to tackle them: challenges today was my normal everyday ones eating pain and walking i was able to fight though all 3. think increase in last 2 cause of the weather.
@Autismaunt14
Happy birthday for yesterday!!! 🎂🍬🍔🌮🎊🎉🎁🎈
Having a very difficult challenging past few days. I have not felt this badly in a long time. It seems everything is just hypersensitive, depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, obsessive thinking, heaviness. I have not been able to focus on things or distract myself from bad thoughts. I am weary. I want to be happy and find peace. Too exhausted to try anything I know will be healthy for me. Too tired to sleep. Lately the days just crash into me like waves and pull me under their weight. I'm tired. I want thinks to be okay again. I hope tomorrow is a better day.
@wontsleepwontwake
I am sorry you are feeling so many difficult emotions right now. Do you know what triggered it or is it possibly from being sleep deprived? If you feel like sharing and believe it would help, we are all here to support you. If you are not comfortable that is okay too. I hope that you are able to get a better nights sleep tonight. Many of us have insomnia from time to time and can offer some ideas that may sound good for you as well. Please let us know how we can help...
@wontsleepwontwake
I'm so sorry hear pat few days have been difficult. I find that for no reason at all I go through rough days too where everything seems heavier and more difficult and sleep is disrupted, Im super irritable and just generally cranky and just don't wanna be... but then I know that those days blow over and I'll have some good days too. Perhaps if you remind yourself that you won't feel this way forever and with some TLC (good meals/sleep/smiles and laughter), maybe you'll start to feel a little lighter and brighter. I sure hope so! Don't forget, you're not alone! <3
