Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check In - Sunday 11th August 2018
I know this post is going up a little early and Saturdays checkin is still active so please head on over there, but for those of you well into Sunday, here is your sunday checkin 
Today I would like to talk about a number of topics all rolled up in one checkin but all of which are important to many Trauma Survivors and that is that of revictimisation, the misuse of power and control by others to hurt others, and emotional bullying which can be a form of reenactment of a trauma survivors past history by another person upon that survivor again.
When we think of bullying, we often think of this as something that happens to children in the school playground but bullying and particularly emotional bullying happens to anyone regardless of age. It is seen in all adult relationships and in workplaces too, paid or unpaid. Emotional bullying may consist of being:
Mocked, name called, threatened, belittled, teased, excluded and ignored from a group, lied to, tormented, ganged up on by others, put down all the time, humiliated in front of their peers or friends, when another party is made to ‘pay for a perceived mistake or when sarcasm is used in response to genuine questions and so on.
Trauma survivors often become victim to these sorts of behaviours as adults by those who choose to misuse their power and control over vulnerable others who end up revictimised all over again. And this behaviour can retraumatise. It is and can be a reenactment of exactly what someone has gone through in their childhood and it is not acceptable.
Trauma and healthy boundaries cannot co exist. When you suffer trauma its a given that there has been a boundary violation and you can take onboard messages that this is all you deserve, that you have no self worth, you have no value, that you have no control and that this is normal and acceptable for people to behave towards you as they do. Bullying like trauma oversteps boundaries for afterall it is an abuse. Because of your experiences, you may not believe you have any rights if boundaries werent respected at the time of trauma to protect yourself, and if you are being revictimised now, you may believe the same now, whether you are being abused, or bullied. Perhaps you believe you dont deserve to be treated with respect. Well, we are here to say, Yes you most certainly do deserve to be treated with respect and we would like to help you begin to find that self respect for yourselves.
Violating a trauma survivors boundaries, can leave survivors feeling unsafe, afraid, untrusting, triggered, silenced, terrified, suffering flashbacks and feeling very childlike as they did when they were at the time of their original trauma. Thats a really horrible place to be and not one you deserve to be in. No child, No adult deserves to feel like this.
It can be very difficult when bullying is taking place to keep healthy boundaries in place between you and the bully/bullies attempting to violate your boundaries. You cant make those who unfortunately are manipulative, narcissistic, and have a poor sense of self who tend to repeatedly violate personal boundaries, respect your boundaries but what you can begin to do is figure out what you can do when this happens.
Continue to set strong, consistent boundaries.
Write it down. Record the boundary violations and your responses. This will help you check for weak spots in your boundaries. If you notice that you arent consistently setting healthy boundaries, make adjustments.
Be clear with yourself about what treatment youll accept and what you wont. People also have a tendency to set a boundary in their mind and then allow it to be pushed back and pushed back.
Accept that some people will not respect your boundaries no matter what you do. This is a difficult truth to accept because wed like to be able to force people to respect our boundaries. You can choose to accept it or you can choose to disengage.
Detach from the outcome. One way to detach is to stop responding in the same old ways. Some people intentionally violate boundaries to hurt you, get a reaction out of you, and to exert control. Dont engage in the same old arguments with these people. You can choose to ignore or laugh off their comments and not show them that it hurts you. This shifts the power.
Decide to limit or cut off all contact. If a relative makes you feel uncomfortable by standing too close, making sexualised comments, you can decide to not attend family gatherings, or to attend but not be alone with the individual, take a friend, never be alone in their company, or avoid seeing them ever again. Remember you have choices.
All healthy and positive relationships are based on equality and respect between one another. When people use tactics to control another person, it can be very damaging and we have seen this in our work with all our trauma members here in our community. Psychological trauma essentially disempowers and disconnects individuals from others. The recovery process is based upon empowerment of the survivor and restoration of relationships.
A healthy sense of self is the way we understand and work with our emotional boundaries. Personal boundaries are the limits we set in relationships that allow us to protect ourselves from being manipulated by, or enmeshed with, emotionally needy others. Such boundaries come from having a good sense of our own self-worth. They make it possible for us to separate our own thoughts and feelings from those of others and to take responsibility for what we think, feel and do
Internal boundaries which are about the relationship we have with ourselves - self discipline, healthy management of time, thoughts, emotions, behavior and impulses. Thinking about yourself rather than automatically agreeing with others criticism or advice
It takes time, and relearning to be able to set effective boundaries following trauma. Self-awareness and learning to be assertive are crucial in being able to set and put into place healthy boundaries.
As we learn to trust ourselves, our values, and our gut feelings, we can be clearer on our boundaries. When we look at our life, what we want, what we need, what we like, or dont like, we can set our own boundaries that will make us happier. Most importantly, a sense of self-care is fundamental to creating our boundaries.
Setting boundaries isnt selfish. Its self-love – you say yes to yourself each time you say no. It builds self-esteem. But it usually takes encouragement to make yourself a priority..
What have been your experiences around boundary violations and how have you been able to cope with this? What effect did someone violating your personal boundaries have on you? How were you able to begin to regain that self of sense in order to rebuild your self worth so that you were able to healthy boundaries for yourself or are you still struggling to be able to set these for yourself? How has others abusing their power and control when breaching your boundaries impacted upon you? What is the one boundary that you would like to work on, as a first step?
Let us know how your day is going or anything else you would like to share with us. Have a great sunday everyone 
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Boundries are a stupidly hard thing for me to talk about, and to be honest just reading your post made me nearly cry because it makes me realise the number of ways mine have been taken away or ignored. This stuff is something I had to learn, someone had to sit me down and teach me it was okay to say no. It is okay to look after myself. It is okay to have your own boundries and not just absorb someone elses. It makes me so angry that I never learned that growing up. I could have avoided so much pain if I was.
Growing up I wasn't allowed boundries, I had to do what my parents wanted me to do, no questions asked or consideration for me given. I could not disagree, I could not have my own opinions. Infact I put myself in danger by having them. I couldn't stamp up stairs, talk once put to bed, or make noise until my parents woke up (11am-12pm earliest). I wasn't allowed to say no, no matter what was said or done. I couldn't get out of the car if my dad was driving like a crazy person, I couldn't ask why when I was being 'punished' and I couldn't eat without asking. When anyone in my family needed me I had to drop everything and run, it didn't matter what I was doing or why just that when push came to shove they were more important than me, and I was selfish for wanting anything for myself. If I was bad my most important stuff got taken away, I got physically punished, humiliated and personal space invaided. Main memories of my childhood and teenage years are of running and hiding.
As I grew up I got used to this, I stopped fighting and just accepted it as a new truth. Friends took advantage of this, as did family continously. I didn't know I could say no, so I didn't.
Later on my first boss hired me because he found me attractive (and vunerable). I told him no so many times I couldn't begin to count. But he just kept pushing, he didn't care that I said no. He said he wouldn't force me. So instead he spent so long threatening, coercing and grooming me that eventually I accepted his boundries as my own, and lost mine. I went into therapy after leaving and said to the therapist that I was there to find myself again, because I couldn't tell the difference between him and me anymore.
I think I have grown and learned my own boundries little by little, but I still have a long way to go. Its hard to convince myself I can have boundries when all I can remember is being hurt, humiliated and assaulted for having them. It makes saying no so hard. No isn't a rule for me anymore, its a pointless hope or a plea I make before someone else does whatever they want to do no matter what I say. Despite this I am an adult now, and I do have a voice, and I can say no. I can walk away and I can cut people off who would take advantage of that. I am learning. Slowly.
Anyway need to go curl in a corner now for a bit because that was hard.
@Lilibuth12
Hi I commend you for sharing such a painful story. I know it's hard but please don't think you're stupid, you're not. I am so glad you are learning and gaining respect for yourself and understanding what happened to you.
All the best
@Lilibuth12 Hey Lilbuth hope your sunday is going okay for you and thanks for being so brave in sharing all of what you did here with us
Boundries are a really hard thing to talk about and you did an amazingly good job at sharing all you did. Boundaries for many trauma survivors have been ignored, trampled on, violated, and ripped apart and as you said, taken away. It is sad and if you need to cry, be angry, vent, you have every right to do so. One thing your post points out is how yes, you do have to relearn all about boundaries, because the right to say no was taken from you, and you have to relearn that actually, you do have the right to have your voice heard and if you say no, that you mean it and for it to be respected and for you not to be hurt, and yes to look after yourself and your needs. And it is okay not just to meet other peoples needs. You are not there to people please and to do what others what all the time, you also have needs that need to be meet too. 
Those needs should have been met and if they had have been like your post says, so much pain could have been avoided for you and I wish it had been.
Im sorry that for you when you grew up you were not allowed boundaries and infact were punished by your parents. You were not allowed to be independent or autonomous. You were not encouraged to be your own person. It makes me very sad that you were not given a voice and allowed to have an opinion and made to feel of value and importance. 
I am glad tho that now you continue to work on knowing that now as an adult you can say NO!! It is a hard process to get to this point but you do have choices now and you do deserve the same respect as anyone else to be listened to, to be valued, to be respected and for people to hear you when you say NO. Boundaries are important for you, to keep you safe, and to keep you healthy. You can walk away as you said, and you can disengage from people who fail to accept your rules and who fail to respect your boundaries. Those people are not worth having in your life. Keep working at it Lilbuth. You will get there, and that hope will continue to grow in you and shine bright
@Rain45
Feeling very overwhelmed right now. So many different emotions. I wonder if I can apply these bounderies to my innerworld. I feel the same kind of guilt towards my insides as I have towards people like my mom.
How much space do I give them? I hate feeling so out of control.
If I focus on the happy feelings and the things that are going really well, I have this guilty feeling towards the parts that are not happy, that are scared and upset. But if I let them free to express whatever I feel overwhelmed.
All I want right now is to shut down but I have no healthy coping mechanism for that. I sort of know that crying would be good but I can't cry. Feelings suck!
@nolongerafraid Hey Nolo, sending you a hug if you want one <3 Emotions whirling around can feel very overwhelming and sometimes it can help just to try and identify one and just deal with that one. Regarding your inner world, you may find that your helper parts may be the ones who are better at putting into place boundaries and who can help teach other parts about boundaries, what are healthy boundaries and what are unhealthy boundaries eg, what good touch is what is unhealthy touch for example. You could try an exercise with a friend regarding personal space as an example to find out when it feels uncomfortable for you when someone is too close to you and when it feels okay to have someone near you. That is one way of working out a physical boundary.
Its okay to focus on happy feelings, because those are things that can be shared with parts who are sad and are having a bad time because it can be shared to show those parts that bad times and unhappy times do change. Its a way to educate those parts that they too can have happy times in the future too and how you would like to share some of that happiness with them. You could communicate with those parts and try and find out what small things could bring them a smile, that little things could bring them a little joy into their day, what could lift their sadness even if for brief moments during the day. Thats the things to build on. But I hear how for now it can make you feel guilty when you have happiness, you know other parts within are not necessarily sharing that with you. Perhaps asking parts who are scared and upset what they need and providing them with that, could help to alleviate that guilt? Also remember too, that if parts are not able to express their feelings, it often comes out in other ways, often the sadness and pain that you feel and experience from them, so its a bit of a no win situation for you.
Expressing how you feel here is a good thing, and I know feeling all of this is really hard but its a good thing that you have been able to share this here and I commend you for being able to do that. Your a really strong person nolo
@Rain45
I'll take the hug, thank you! I am going to have to think about your answer, it is very helpful I just I need to find a way to make that practical.
I don't feel very strong at the moment but thank you, maybe I am and I don't see it yet.
@nolongerafraid I think sometimes nolo we dont always see the strength we have, even if others can. Its a bit like how others can see all the good qualities and traits we cant see for ourselves. Eg how many trauma survivors hate themselves and yet everyone around them can list a mile long all the things that they love about them or that the trauma survivor has that they cannot see for themselves
@Rain45
Hey! Will the trauma support session be on today at 2pm EST?
What have been your experiences around boundary violations and how have you been able to cope with this? What effect did someone violating your personal boundaries have on you? How were you able to begin to regain that self of sense in order to rebuild your self worth so that you were able to healthy boundaries for yourself or are you still struggling to be able to set these for yourself? How has others abusing their power and control when breaching your boundaries impacted upon you? What is the one boundary that you would like to work on, as a first step?
I've had a couple of experiences of this, with guys in particular thinking they can use me to get what they want and not care about how im feeling, i liked a boy once and he liked me, now i struggle in relationships and with intimacy due to what's happened to me in my childhood, so i told him i do struggle with this and didn't want to engage in sexual activity with him, he said that was fine and i thought i could trust him because he was a police officer, i went to his 21st birthday party, he told me other people from gymnastics would be there (he lied) There was no one there i knew other than him, i refused to drink alcohol because i felt vulnerable and frightened, he used me feeling this way to assault me sexually, i struggle with the word NO, i didn't speak it but my body language was defiantly saying no. After it was over and i went home, i struggled to cope with it because it brought up so much from my past, i self harmed again even though i was a year and a half clean, i thought i'd finally stopped hurting myself but he ruined that for me also i started having doubts about going to university because i felt i was so set back in my mental state and was really struggling to cope. I called the police on him because he was not sorry in the slightest i thought he deserved that, but it didn't really make me feel any better. I've been really up and down since this happened last summer, university didn't go well for me at all i only manged two months before i took an overdose and had to leave. I'm trying to regain my life back again and get well again so i can go to university and enjoy it. I'm not really sure how i can stop people from taking advantage of me and my vulnerability but i need to know to stop it happening again.
@energeticApricot2459 Hey Apricot No the session wont be happening today, due to staff shortage and holidays. We have posted up a notice and the sessions will resume in a few weeks but the open chat will be running this wednesday.
Im sorry that you've had a few experiences where people have not cared about how you have felt as a result of the experiences you have had and not respected your boundaries as a result, particularly when it came to physical boundaries and intimacy. Its wrong that you were not respected and its clear that those people were not the right people to have in your life, irrespective of their role, authority and job title. I feel for you that you found it really difficult to find that voice due to the experiences in your life leaving you afraid and vulnerable and he exploited that vulnerability for his own gain. He knew what he was doing and he was totally responsibility for the actions he took against you. People know right from wrong, particularly a police officer and he knew by your facial expressions, your fear that you did not want to happen what took place.
Im so sorry that because of what he did, it undid being clean of self harm for a year and a half and that you felt you had to turn to that in order to cope with what had happened to you. But self harm enabled you to cope. I know it must have felt awful that all your hard work had been undone? How did it feel that you turned to self harm at the time to cope? I hear from your post that it left you with doubts about going to university, and how he had ruined things for you. From the things you said in your post, when you got to university, the impact of what he had done to you showed in the fact you found being at university difficult because of how the trauma had impacted upon you?
What happened when you called the police? Was the person arrested for what they did to you? He did deserve to be arrested absolutely and though it may have made you feel better short term, perhaps more longer term, you may need a little extra support to work through what he did to you? Have you been able to speak to anyone about this, get any counselling or support for yourself since? Were the police able to offer you any follow up support? It is possibly to regain control back again over your life and begin to feel less vulnerable and regain those boundaries back for yourself to keep yourself safe again and you took a step today by sharing here too. What happened to you should never have happened. It was not your fault and you have every right to feel angry at him for what he did. He violated your boundaries, he disrespected you as a person, he used you for his own gain, he manipulated you and abused his power and control over you. NO one should ever have the right to do this to another person and you deserve better than this.
@Rain45
Hi Trauma Fam :)
Rain this is a great post on boundaries. They are so important, and I grew up with someone who didn't respect them.
I am having a rough day. I left my parents' this morning from visiting, and got to work -- last day at this job -- and I am not sure what triggered me, but I have had high anxiety for hours. I messaged my therapist to ask her and help me. I do think it has something to do with boundaries (as much in my life does). I'm feeling nervous because I don't like this job, they offered me to transfer, however it doesn't pay enough money. However, I don't have another job lined up yet! 
So it's kind of like boundaries, I'm trying hard to self care throughout this move and transition and it's so difficult. So much is going on. My anxiety is definitely activated.
However, on a positive, I mostly handled my parents really well, and experienced some real compassion for myself for growing up with the mother I grew up with I hadn't been expecting that.
I could use some hugs if you want to send any my way... I'm not really sure what exactly would help me right now. I want to get this anxiety response calmed down.
Love,
Singer
@singercrystalspirit
Hey Singer Sorry to hear that you too grew up with someone with didnt respect your boundaries to keep you healthy and safe.
So sorry to hear that your having such a rough day. Leaving your job and having to do your last day at work must have been rough for you. How did you manage to get through the day Singer? How have you been managing the anxiety apart from calling your therapist? Was your therapist able to help bring down your levels of anxiety so that you could get back into your window of tolerance again?
You say your not sure what has triggered you but you mentioned the insecurity of not having a job or not knowing enough about the job offer, perhaps it may be the insecurity and the vulnerabiity this may be causing you? Could the vulnerability you are experiencing be tapping into how you may have felt when younger, when you felt vulnerable when other boundaries were violated or exploited?
Heres lots of hugs that we are sending your way, through cyber space just for you. I know its not the same as being physically there, but we still care about you all the same, and if you imagine us sitting there with you, talking to you, being quiet with you if you need us to be, sitting close or across the room, pulling faces trying to make you smile, or offering you a hand to hold if you need, perhaps that may help you to feel less alone.
@Rain45
Thank you for the hugs I haven't heard back from my therapist yet. I'm chipping away at my work slowly. I'm practicing tapping, which has brought the anxiety down a little. I haven't heard back from my therapist yet.
I think I feel vulnerable because I am moving to roommates I don't know.... for jobs I don't know.... in a city I don't know.... and sometimes I feel excited like it's an adventure and I am following my heart. I am still not certain why I feel triggered but I might figure it out later after tapping some more and talking with my therapist.
x
@singercrystalspirit
@Rain45 Hey Singer, plenty of hugs are always available 
I hope you hear back from your therapist real soon. It can be comforting to hear from someone you feel safe with and with whom you have that connection to be able to talk freely about whatever is going on for you and I hope that they are able to ease some of the anxiety that is going on for you currently. Tapping can work wonders for some people and its often used in some therapeutic approaches, such as EMDR to reduce anxiety so if it works for you, keep using that technique to help ground yourself and reduce that anxiety and panic you may be experiencing.
You listed a lot of reasons for why you could be feeling vulnerable and I think its only natural right now that you would be feeling as you do and try and not beat yourself up too much over how overwhelming this is for you. its a lot to deal with. Perhaps try and take one thing at a time and deal with how you are going to tackle that, perhaps try and think about a plan of what you need to make those steps of coping with things easier for you. There is anticipation and excitement as you mention but its natural the nerves would be there too for you. Remember to take good care of yourself in all of this
@Rain45
Big hugs ♥️♥️ Those are great suggestions and thank you so much for the support! A little bit of reminders and support works wonders. I kept at the tapping and it totally helped after a while too. And I did hear back from my therapist which helped too! 🤗 And I got a potential job lead just now, yay!!! You never know when things will start to look up.
I am infinitely grateful to this trauma team for your/their large part in teaching me that its safe AND helpful to reach out for support when I need it.
x
@singercrystalspirit awww thank you Spirit for the hugs
Hope the suggestions help a little. We can always do with little reminders sometimes to help us. Im glad too that you heard back from your therapist. I hope this brought you the comfort you were looking for. And great going on the potential job lead!!!! What is it if I can ask? And is it a job you would want???
Reaching out for support can be very hard to do sometimes but you know what it takes a strong person to recognise when they may need support and to take that risk and ask someone else for a little help and to let them in to do so
@Rain45
😁
Its real estate photography, and today I also heard back for an interview in substitute teaching. They are both things I have experience doing and I think it would be an easier transition for me moving if Im doing a job I already have done before, so in that sense yes they are what I want 😁
*Hug* that was so cute haha.
Hi
I've never set boundaries before. I've never felt able to stand up for myself, and no one else has ever stood up for me. I suppose I am used to being treated badly, I used to think it was normal. Now I know it isn't normal, but I am not strong enough to tell people to stop. When things happen I retreat into myself, I become paranoid and skittish, I don't cope. I know I need to change, but I don't know how.
@FloweringBunny
Hugs 😊 Can you think of one time you set a boundary, however small? Even if it was like... telling a friend you didnt want to hang out, or telling a food worker at a restaurant there was too much mayonnaise on your sandwich, or deciding it was finally time to do your laundry? That helps me sometimes feel better, to think of tiny things. I just saw your post when I was reading a reply to my own post and thought Id throw that out there cause my heart went out to ya.
@singercrystalspirit *hugs* I think making sure the washing up is done every day is a small boundary? I think maybe I have set boundaries without really knowing what they were.
@FloweringBunny
I think you
@Rain45
Hey Rain, becoming aware of all of this hurts more than it happening... I don't know if I can do it... maybe it's better not to be aware especially if there has already been so much damage....There's too many things wrong with me because I didn't know...
@humorousBeing8966
Hey Humorous, sending a hug if you want one and its a safe one I hear that it hurts and I hear that with the awareness that is growing for you, things seem to hurt you more. With trauma many people shut off their emotions as well as their memories and when they begin to gain awareness, when they begin to make connections, when they begin to feel, it can hurt, because they begin to realise, that this should not have happened, or that they deserved better, or that they were wronged, or that trauma robbed them in some way, or that trauma caused them lost opportunities or caused them to have their boundaries violated etc And of course that hurts to become aware of. And with that hurt, sometimes comes the process of mourning for that hurt. It may feel easier and better to shurt things off again and would be understandable, but then would you be living? Would you be denying yourself the chance of life? I hear you feel your too damaged and I know many other trauma Survivors here have felt the same way, but you really can heal from your experiences. But it takes time and a lot of support and self compassion
Was going to post yesterday, realized I was putting my foot in my mouth.
And then something happened today.
All I guess I can say is many resources assume you're going from abnormal to normal. When you have to hang on with abnormal for just a little bit longer, losing your patience in the process, sometimes it feels like you're essentially told "Just survive, and godspeed!" Although to be frank, what else can be said?
I tell myself "if I land in a normal part of life that isn't so temporary..." (And if I feel optimistic, I say when instead of if)... How messed up am I lol. It's not like I'm going to drop this mask I wear to survive and everything will be sunshine and cotton candy.
And when people try to manipulate your boundaries... Ugh. It makes me look like I'm the crazy one to most, like I'm wearing a tinfoil hat to others, but if it quacks like a duck, looks like a duck... It's probably a duck.
I don't know, but I find it weird that we have to even call something like "don't dig through my bag" a boundary, I thought that was just basic respect. I think my perspective on things is skewed. #sorryIamtryingtolearn
Don't mind me, just playing with my feet.
