Traumatic Experiences Community Daily CheckIn - Sunday 21st May 2017
Hey Everyone! 
It's a lovely sunny day here in the UK and I've taken full advantage of the weather, walked the dog and done some much overdue gardening. What do you like to do on sunny days where you are?
Just wanted to remind you folk that no matter whether your day is good, bad or inbetween, we are here for you :) It would be great to hear how everyone is doing today? The weekend is often a time of relaxation for many, though some of you may be working. What do you like to do on your lazy chill out days? I hope you can find some rest and relaxation for yourselves no matter what you get up to
This check in space is yours, to let us know whats happening in your world. Healing from Trauma is hard work, there are ups, there are downs, there are tears, and there successes and achievements. It can be tough going but always know, we are here for you :) Always reach out if you can for some support for your deserve that :)
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@Avaray @vriska44 @Shadeshack @BeeLeigh @Faeryschild @dancingRainbow45 @Lavendermoonlight @KLM3278 @sujaypai
@sweetMelody95 @jr50 @agreeableKite4304 @PhoenixPatronus @Morfo66 @themainjane @raycascotch
@KatieMoon1 @conscientiousPineapple1782 @Tamba @inventiveOrange1 @Jenna0903 @melliotm @PanamaBanana
@AutumnLeigh @DeborahUK @PuppyLove13 @KristenHR @BradyChay2310 @HearingYourHeart @vriska @TreesandWine
@guyb @chayil @Sharkradio @MKjart
I feel like I'm dying. I'd finally gotten some hope again, I was being constructive again, things with my bf seemed fine again, and then he called to basically tell me that he's throwing me away to be with a former good friend of mine. I have no more coping skills. I have nothing more to live for. My life has been a f****** nightmare for way too long, and now I'm being kicked in the head while trying to get up from the ground.
edited by dancingRainbow45 on 21/05/17 Censoring of language in posts required.
@hereigoagain
One of my abusive exes left me for my best friend (who was also the girlfriend of HIS best friend), while we were still living together. He literally gave me the security deposit and first month's rent for my own apartment to get rid of me. After he did unspeakable things to me for about a year and a half. But I truly believed that's all my life would be at that point, so I still loved him.
I know it hurts. I know it feels like it's literally the end of your world. But it's not. It's the beginning. Because what he's really done is give you the opportunity to grow and get better on your own, and then find someone who truly cares about and loves you like you deserve. You're not alone, and even though I'm sure you're in a very negative place right now, you won't always be. You have the power to pull yourself up. It isn't easy, and it isn't gonna happen right away, but you can do it. And we'll all be here for you along the way ❤️
@BeeLeigh
He was my only long-term partner that was NOT abusive, he was always kind to me and we supported each other and grew so much together, I never ever thought he could be that way and how could I ever trust anyone again NOW 
@hereigoagain
You give yourself time. I left my last ex over two years ago now because I know I can't trust myself to choose someone who won't hurt me. I have no one else. My family is superficial and I have no friends. The only person I talk to during the week who isn't a coworker or family member is my therapist. It sucks sometimes. But I know I'm doing what's best for me. I am truly sorry that you had someone who wasn't abusive and they hurt you like that. I've never been with someone who wasn't abusive, and I know it would feel like it was destroying me if I was with someone who wasn't and they still hurt me that badly. But I also know that I've been knocked down far worse than that by far worse people, and I know I could get up and move on from that person. Just like you can. Because he doesn't deserve to have that kind of power over your life. What he did is awful. But you're better than him, and you will get through this ❤️
@BeeLeigh
He's not "bad" at all he has C-PTSD too and couldn't deal with mine any more, I can't blame him as much as I'd like to, it just feels so meaningless and unfair and it hurts so badly I can't take this
@hereigoagain
I'm not saying he's bad, just that you deserve better. Give yourself time. Don't let this destroy you. Take some time to be mopey and grieve the lost relationship. When I get really depressed sometimes I watch things that I know make me sad because it kind of forces that feeling out. Grab a teddy bear. They're soft and cuddly and they'll always be there for you no matter what. Don't think you have to be happy and whatever right away. That's unrealistic. Take time for you. Time for you to process this, go through this, and grow from this. You will be okay. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but I promise you will be❤️
@hereigoagain Sorry to hear your feeling this way Hereigo and its sad that your boyfriend has treated you in this way. Its always very hard when someone we care about treats us in this way and makes us feel worthless etc. You are worth so much more and I hope that you can be angry with the way in which you have been treated and find a way to keep going and start drawing on all those coping skills that lie within you and that you had been building on. No life should be seen as not worth living because a partner decides to be with someone else. I know you care much for him from the sounds of it, and how its made you feel, but perhaps this person wasnt worthy of your love?
@hereigoagain
I'm sorry about your boyfriend but I tend to agree with Rainbow. In a little while you may find that having him out of your life is actually a good thing. Some people have a way of sending us on an emotional roller coaster and I could be wrong but seems you two might have some of that going on (I've been there).
"Hang in there" sounds kinda lame but I just wanna say... hope your mood and/or perspective shifts soon.
@themainjane
It's absolutely no kind of good thing because 1. we've given each other a lot, we always worked things out and we developed so much together and 2. it was the last close relationship of any kind that I had left, and the only half-good thing and sense of achievement I had left in my life. Now I'm left with nothing, my world is completely shattered I have no idea how I could possibly cope
@hereigoagain
Then I retract my comment as it may have been inappropriate and I'm sorry. I know I'd be devastated if I lost my relationship even with all the problems we have.
@themainjane
It's ok, I know you meant well. Thank you for caring 
@hereigoagain it sounds really tough the place your in since your boyfriend decided he wished to be with someone else. I hear that you have been through a lot together and have always worked things out. How do you see you being able to work this situation out with him hereigo? I know it feels as though you have nothing right now, but our happiness whilst it can be influenced by the actions and love of others, cannot also be dependent on others. Its maybe not the thing you wish to hear right now, but we all need to feel happy within ourselves and find sources of happiness in our lives that doesnt just exist in one person in our lives. I hope truely that you are finding ways to cope with the distress you may be feeling right now and people here do care what you are going through even if sometimes your feeling very alone. Sending my thoughts you way. :)
@themainjane
I'm going through some of the roughest times in my life so far and I need someone to be there for me and care
@hereigoagain
I don't think I have the right words but wanted to say I'm sorry you are in so much pain.
@themainjane
a boy I was going to marry left me after a sui attempt (understandable) in a lil apt in a very seedy neighborhood. He started dating his high school best friend (whom he had knocked up during my downward spiral). I was alone. No family contact, no boyfriend (who had been my rock), not even much hope of physical safety and in a depression so deep I could not function to eat or bathe or take care of myself.
That is one of the times my world ended and a piece of me died. I get it and I'm so sorry you are feeling devastated but please please- stay with us!!!
@hereigoagain
Just wanted to say hello. How are you doing?
@themainjane
Awful. Thank you for checking in on me, although I wish you weren't the only one
@hereigoagain
I'm sure everyone who has read this today is wishing you well too.
I know there's nothing I can really say or do. Hope you can rest and/or take some time to do something a bit soothing.
@themainjane
I'm feeling like a huge worthless loser because nobody in my "real life" seems to care much or be worried about me, but I really appreciate your messages How are YOU doing?
@hereigoagain
You're not a huge worthless loser. No one in my life cares. That's on them, not me. You're just going through a hard time. You got this. With or without them. You still got us!
@BeeLeigh
I'm sobbing right now because of all the kindness here. Thank you too for all your messages, and everyone else who cares, I got too overwhelmed to reply to the other ones. And I can't believe nobody in your life cares, you seem like such a sweet person and you so deserve caring people around you
@hereigoagain
I doubt that anyone who read your messages wouldn't care. Your pain is truly palpable. But it can be hard to find the right words for someone in such pain. Or to find words that don't sound trite and insincere. So for now, please know, that you are worthy of others care and concern.
And @BeeLeigh , the same goes for you. Both you and hereigoagain strike me as decent people who deserve to find some happiness in life. Maybe the first step towards that is to believe that in your heart. I would tell myself that in my head, because logically it made sense. But to truly believe it was another matter entirely. I believe it now, and it's possible for you to do so as well.
Aw, thanks @DeborahUK, that's really sweet ❤️ I'm working on it. Really. Not the easiest thing in the world 🤷🏼♀️
@DeborahUK
Thank you
As I said earlier, it's not about the right words, it's about seeing that someone understands or at least cares. Just a or a hug can be worth so much.
@hereigoagain
They get annoyed by me. I get too emotional. Or I'm seen as too cold when my emotions are turned off. I don't have much of an inbetween. I have too much baggage, and since my father was my first abuser it's something they choose to ignore. I'm always the problem. But it's okay, because I know they just don't understand. I know they have no idea the depths of what I've gone through, and I don't want them to. But I have this place, and I have my therapist, and that's enough for me :)
I get overwhelmed too when people are nice to me when I'm down. When I get like that, sometimes I kinda just sit with that feeling. Either that or I go to every "funny" channel I follow on YouTube and go down like an America's Funniest Home Videos hole or something. Or like, documentaries so it's all logical and kinda pulls you out of the emotional black hole. You need a teddy bear to hang out with you right now :)
@BeeLeigh
Oh doesn't that sound familiar... I'm either a clingy needy demanding emotional mess or "not emotionally available" these days. Unfortunately this started to escalate after I found out that I actually do need close friends / loved ones around me 
@hereigoagain
That's why you need a teddy bear to stand in for now! They really are comforting 😊
@BeeLeigh
I don't have a teddy bear, but I'm holding onto some pillows that I bought a few weeks ago while I cared about self-care
@hereigoagain
Use the pillows for now and go buy yourself a teddy bear tomorrow! Any stuffed animal, really. Bear, dog, monkey, heck, they got big ok stuffed dinosaurs now. Go pick something out that'll comfort you 😊
@hereigoagain
I'm doing okay but I don't try hard enough - and I'm not just saying that, it's true. I need to learn to push myself.
I can't seem to recomment on my feed always- I dunno maybe I'm doing something wrong? Anyway, obstacles to self-care . . That's a tough one.
on the surface it's because I'm rather lazy, tend to procrastinate and avoid. Underneath maybe it's things like wondering what I actually deserve or fear?
@themainjane
I'm sorta limited in the app. It won't let you edit your settings, etc. I need to follow some people, for instance.
Today my counselor called. I missed it but texted to find out she's in the hospital 😞. I really like her and I hope it's nothing serious.
Another snapshot into my day: I've napped, played a game, been on 7 cups. That's about it. I don't contribute to society. I made breakfast. My spouse works very long hours. Typically 12-14 this time of year. So I'm just home alone trying to convince myself to go outside.
@themainjane
Oh, almost didn't find this message. Sorry to hear about your counselor, I hope she'll be alright soon. And you do contribute to society on here
@themainjane
I don't think I believe in "lazy". I was branded as lazy at home, but I was all kinds of mentally ill and that's why I didn't manage to do stuff. Especially not doing stuff that's good for you is not a cause it's a symptom. My best guess would be something like you don't really feel you're worth it, or you're too mentally exhausted, or in some kind of "freeze" (or "flight") mode, or of course a combination of the above...
@hereigoagain
I'm so sorry to hear about how your best friend has treated you. I can see why you feel so hurt and alone after what he did. You have a right to be angry and hurt!! You're deserving of loving support and kindness- those that can't do that aren't worthy of your friendship. Even if they aren't worthy of you, it doesn't take away from the fact that it hurts when someone you love treats you that way. We are here for you in this community- there is so much to live for. Life can be full of horrors and can also be full of wonders. Sucky as it is, sticking around for the wonders is worth it.. I look forward to being here for you. Hang in there!!!
I need to go get more yarn for my gramma's rug that I swear I'm gonna finish at some point. I was gonna go yesterday but it was stormy for most of the day 😕
@BeeLeigh Yes you do because I would love to hear that you have completed this and would love to see a pic of the finished article LOL
@dancingRainbow45
I did work on it a little bit, but it's gonna take a lot of yarn :P
Good afternoon everyone,
I finally got to sleep on my own bed after a little over a month last night and snuggle the heck out of my dogs. It's a beautiful, sunny day here in Mexico as well and watching them play with the neighbor dog has been great.
It's an unpacking day and getting things back in order- though I'm doing very chill, taking my time and it feels good. Good friends are getting in touch to set up time together so that I can tell them all about the vacation. The children that I teach art to on Sunday's came knocking this morning, but I scheduled an extra week upon return to recharge. More than anything, I think they wanted to say hello.
There IS ups and downs in healing trauma. I had a crying day yesterday and am enjoying a good day today. I'm grateful for the good days.
I'm in the discussion right now but not listed. No one can see me. I'm the fly on the wall :/
Just an observation at what a beautifully supportive community this is. I see people one day who seek help and support, another day offering help and support. Kindness and compassion are abundant in today's thread, as in previous days and weeks. It's humbling that so often it's the people who have been hurt the most in life who still find reserves of strength and support to give to others. Each and every one of you give so much by your presence here.
@melliotm @themainjane @hereigoagain @KLM3278 @BeeLeigh @TreesandWine @MKJart @dancingrainbow45
Thanks @DeborahUK ❤️
Thannk, @DeborahUK! ❤️💙💚💛💜💗
@DeborahUK
And don't forget Kite ! :-)
@Tamba
Both Kite and yourself are included of course. I just tagged those who had been part of the discussion at the time of my post. But honestly, it's quite incredible how supportive everyone is of one another. Let's face it, this is the Internet. It doesn't have the best reputation does it? Seems the trauma community is bucking the trend :)
I was actually thinking about leaving the Traumatic Community forum. Everyone here is great but I feel I don't belong.
Problem is, I don't know where I do belong. Sometimes I tell myself I'm fine but if I'm so fine why did my counselor just diagnose me with cptsd and suggest emdr? Or is that just the going thing now?
Also, if I'm so fine why do I hide out in my house all the time avoiding life? I long to connect to someone but fear it .. and it's such a hassle. So much better to stay in my bubble. But it's not. It's isolating. But I'm an avoider.
@themainjane
You do belong here Jane. You have a place here if you want it. ❤️
@BeeLeigh
Thanks. Sometimes I just feel out of place because I wasn't abused as a child. Definitely not to the level of you guys. I feel like I've brought most my "sad" circumstances upon myself.
But I will stay if you'll have me because I do need a place to belong. 🙂
@themainjane
@themainjane
Don't compare yourself to others. Everything is subjective to the person experiencing it. It's the impact it has on you that matters here, not what it is that happened. You belong here. And you are more than welcome to stay as long as you'd like 🙂
@BeeLeigh
🙂 ❤
@themainjane
Not in the pasty- In the past ... Love autocorrect at times.
@themainjane
I just finally subscribed to this community not for any practical reason but symbolically for the belonging 
@hereigoagain
I'm glad you're here!
@hereigoagain
I understand. ❤
I did the same thing. I thought if I'm going to hunt for this forum all the time and contribute through comments and BEST of all - have people talk to me here - why don't I subscribe?
@themainjane
Hi Jane,
I also have CPTSD and have done EMDR in the pasty and will most likely be doing more. You do belong here and from looking at your posts with how supportive you are to others even when you're struggling yourself, I really hope you stick around. We would all benefit from you being here. I would benefit from you being here. Please know that we're here for you too.
@MKJart
🙂 ❤
@themainjane Yes, please stay. There's no hierarchy of trauma -- just survival, coping, and, eventually, healing. Self judgement is a symptom in an of itself, as is minimization.
Ofttimes I've felt much like you do. That my experiences can't begin to compare to what others have endured, that I'm undeserving of support or empathy, because X, Y and/or Z. But the truth is we're all just trying to keep moving forward, inch by inch despite it all.
@melliotm
Thank you. :)
Was an ok day, packing and trying to organize, then at around 7:30:pm got a call saying my husband was taking to the hospital, we live in De, but he works in nj, so I rushed getting my kids and heading out for an hour and 15 min drive, I was in a panic, I hadn't been given my info , so he is staying over night, he seems ok, his heart went out of rhythm, but by the time I arrived, he was ok and was even on any meds.
Gosh @jr50
A full on day for you. I'm glad it turned out your husband's okay, but I hope the turn in his health doesn't mean you get overburdened with all the packing that needs doing. Remember to look after you too.
@jr50 Thinking of you and hoping things improve for you and your family
@dancingRainbow45. I brought my husband home, and he seems ok, it is a good end to a not so wonderful day. Thank you everyone who sent me encouragement, from last night till this afternoon wasn't sure it was, but he seems to be ok, when I got the call , I was so scared, but took my meds as needed and it helped #
@jr50 I hope he continues to make steady progress and that you get the support you need JR Thinking of you
Lost it over eggs, today! Dropped an egg on the floor and got so mad that I flung the eggshell and gross egg all over the place. Then had to clean that up, then got mad at cleaning that up and threw spoons in the sink. Whew. Adrenaline is one helluva ride. Then I had to be like, 'calm down, Shark, it's literally just eggs.' Eyeroll!
@sharkradio. I have done it too!