Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-In Sunday June 24th 2018
Good Morning Alle. 
This morning I awoke to a bad war dream, that's PTSD for ye. I made some tea and got dressed, then went outside for my morning practices. As first light set in I sat outside watching the world awaken, and I reflected on the dream I had. Instead of thinking about the horror of those times I had a vivid memory of a very strange and wonder filled morning. I had spent about 6 hours through the dark of night sneaking into a position in an open field just 30m from trouble. I was heavily camoflagued in a ghillie suit (bush rag camo) very carefully made to look like the grass and scrub plants around me. I remember as I settled into my final position, totally strung out on anxiety, I saw the moisture in the aer condense to like a fog that would olny be about 10' tall. As first light creeped in that wall of moisture dropped onto the fields and became the dew. The feeling and smell of the aer changed. There were these wee flowers on some weeds, and I watched them open to receive the light. Then I noticed insects beginning to move about doing their mysterious tasks. As the sun came out, so did the bees. I watched bees gather pollen on little flowers just inches from my eyes, then they tried to gather pollen off of the plants attached to my camoflague, it was hard not to giggle. I had truly melted into the earth and became a part of it. There are moments in our lives of true Amazement and Wonder that just move ones soul. As I sat watching today begin and thinking back on this, it reminds me that even in the darkest places and times one can always find moments of peace and wonder. Of alle the horror I brought back from that place, I feel truly blessed to have experienced that and bring it's memory with me too.
How are you alle today? Anything new or exciting? Yer here, say Hi, This is a safe space and it belongs to you!
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@Raveninthelabrynth
Wow Raven, its so easy when we see our forces all kitted out in uniform and weapons, to think theyre invulnerable. Yet there you were, thinking, feeling, seeing, fearing, as all our service men and women must do. Your humanity is moving. I salute you and all youve done for your country.
@DeborahUK Hugs Deb, I'm just me
Hope your day is going well
@DeborahUK agree with you Deborah 
beautifully said. How s your sunday going? Anything you d like to share with us today?
@Hope3729
Theres lots I could share Hope, but nothing constructive or helpful. So Im just trying to follow Ravens lead and find beauty on days when there appears to be none. I hope youre doing okay xx
@DeborahUK As I oft say, "I can always see the rainbows through my tears if I look towards the light."
Hugs Hon, My pm's are Always Open
@Raveninthelabrynth
What a beautiful saying. Consider it stolen!
@DeborahUK Absolutely do take it
It's actually a realization I had once in a terrible time an it cracked me up and became a toy in times of woe
@Raveninthelabrynth
well, that really got me right now, you know, thinking of all the violence and war everywhere around, past and present, yeah, freaks me out... but I really loved this ' even in the darkest places and times one can always find moments of peace and wonder ', cause yes, that's sth I truely believe, sth I'm telling myself all the time, to see the little things, the little wonders, a butterfly, a rainbow, a cloud shaped like a unicorn or whatever, or just a coffee with caramel syrup... thank you for that story *hugs*
@courteousNorth5140 Hugs hon, hows yer day getting along?
@Raveninthelabrynth
oh well, day's just trying to start, I guess we'll get along, the day and me 
and eventually it will end again
@courteousNorth5140 another tricky day
@Raveninthelabrynth
aren't they all a bit tricky?
@courteousNorth5140 surprisingly no they arent
@Raveninthelabrynth
oh well, perhaps I'm exaggerating a bit... little touch of drama queen
@courteousNorth5140 lol don't get me started
@Raveninthelabrynth
oh I don't think I can compete with you on many things, except being a drama queen
@courteousNorth5140 probably, m not a Queen, M a Bratt
@Raveninthelabrynth
oh no matter what you are, you're amazing
Thank you for sharing your story!
@BrittTheListeningHeart Hi Britt, Welcome to Trauma Support. How are you today?
So I was going to do something this weekend. Something semi-important that's been stressing me out. Had less time to deal with it... might work on it tomorrow or something.
I went from this:
(yellow labs again lol)
... to just wanting to put earplugs in and cramming myself into a corner with my eyes closed.
Had some thoughts about how I'm a FLEA-ridden piece of trash... maybe I'll learn how to use my darn words with the discussion...
Blaaargh. On the brightish side, I'm semi-excited for some packages I'm expecting (clothes and skincare).
@Torremp Hugs hon, be kind to yourself
an Hej, I live on a farm, Fleas happen lol Hugs.
@Torremp safe hugs if you want them and hope your packages will arrive soon, we all get excited when it come to new clothing etc. 
hope you re having a lovely rest of the day.
Well, I feel a lot calmer today than I did yesterday. So that
@BeeLeigh Much Love Sis, Hugs
@BeeLeigh i am sorry to hear that you didnt feel well at all yesterday, but happy to hear that you feel better today do something nice for yourself maybe today?
sending you lots of safe hugs if you want them, love and support, Bee!
@Hope3729 @Raveninthelabrynth
Hi Raven
I'm not doing too well today. There is tension in my family, and my bunny is upset. I worry that things will go back to how they were when I was younger. I worry that the emotional abuse will start again.
Love and hugs
@FloweringBunny Hugs Bunny, just be in your world, let the others sort their own issues. Their issues ar on them not you. Hugs Hugs
@FloweringBunny hey there, sorry to hear that theres tension in your family and that your bunny is upset, i can understand that would make you feel scared that it will go back to when you were younger, but remember that you are in control of the present youre strong and i know that it ll get better, and on the inside, you know that too sending you all my love, safe hugs, strength and support!
@Raveninthelabrynth
Afternoon Raven, I've been having a pretty rough week. I feel like I'm excorcising a demon at the moment. I've been watching friends online describe intense body memories / flashabcks and never quite fully understood the intensity of what they were describing as what I had previously experienced was pretty minor compared to what I am going through now. I used to experience dissociation in the form of derealization - this hasn't happened in a fair while- not in an extreme or moderate form anyways. Maybe in more mild forms. The way my Psychologist explained it to me recently is that it is my bosied intense form of freezing and shutting down. This makes a lot of sense to me - especially when coupled with my realization of how I forget to breathe, suffer from low blood presuure, low pulse etc. I don't think that my heart rate quickens - I think basically my body plays dead. When I tried to picture my early big T trauma - I felt very disconnected from it, like I was describing someone else's story. By reporting this trauma to the police this week and going through details - I somehow reconnected myself to it after 25 years. I have been plagued with intense body flashbacks and repulsing feelings. They are coming and going in waves. I have been struggling with sleep as I am overly tired and can't fall asleep and when I do I wake up intermittently and then am awake very early. I am having trouble eating as I continually want to vomit. I now know what this protective shell and dissociation was protecting me from for the last 25 years and I am ready to face this now but I definitely had no idea what I was going to be facing.
I went and got a very large rib tattoo yesterday . It is a Japanese ONI mask. It took 3 hours and I began to have what I suspect was a reflex anoxic seizure due to the amount of time it was taking and the level of pain. I was warned about pain level before we started but I didn't care as well I've always had a high pain tolerance previously. I also have next to no body fat at the moment so I suppose that doesn't help with a rib tattoo either. This tattoo for me symbolizes the evil spirit/ demon energy releasing from my body and will serve as a protector for me. The ONI have been seen traditionally also as a spirit who will bring severe terror and punishment to those who are evil or act unjust towards you.
@purpleWest8143 First off, May your Soul properly entwine with your ink, and may it heal an serve you well.
I know what you mean about blocking things out for decades. What I described in my origional post this morning is something i did not think of for over 25 years myself. I left out alle the horrible things around me at the time and the events of the day, because it was alle about those moments of pure magik.
I think most of us here can say we have things pop up out of the blue from long ago. We do have to face things at some point it's true. Best on our own time as they come. It is a long road ever changing, and we alle walk it alone together. Much Love West, keep at the work, things always do get better
@Raveninthelabrynth thank you Raven. It is mindblowing how things can just pop up like this. I've heard but now I REALLY know. I will keep at it. I know I've mentioned before that I do firmly believe that all of this difficult stuff on my journey is going to move me closer to a place of healing. I have a lot of hope and faith and to be honest, when the waves have been subsiding, I have not been feeling numbed out like I have so much in the past. This is a huge pro of what I am going through right now. It is definitely as though a hard outer shell has been broken through all of a sudden.
@purpleWest8143
Hey West *hugs* I like how you put it, exorcising a demon, it truely feels like that... and I'm so sorry to hear about your body memories, sth really nasty to go through... still, you amaze me with talking to the police and your tattoo sounds awesome I'm sure it will protect you from everything you're going through right now... sending you lots of strength and love
@courteousNorth5140 Thanks North. I really didn't know what I was getting myself into completely when I went to speak to the police the first day. But I definitely did on the second day and did it again. yeah, I'm proud of myself too. Now, I just need to learn how to manage all of this, and also maybe some better tactics for addressing new info that comes up so that it doesn't overwhelm my body as much again.
@Raveninthelabrynth
Well, I've been remembering my best friend a lot lately (he killed himself two years ago this October). I had a panic attack on the subway platform the other day - that's the way he did it - a lot of flashbacks. He's on my mind a lot because I'm graduating and he should be too. And the only person who was able to truly help me is staying in my city while I move away to college. I'm in love with him, but we can't be together right now. I'm not ready for that, and there are too many environmental factors in the way. I just want to know him forever. I hope I will. But the thought of not seeing him every day is hurting so much, on top of all the triggers to my best friend. I'm walking on eggshells with myself.
@venusm407 Hugs Hon, alle things come and go, Iss Lifa. The idea is to learn from everything, but try to only hold the magik and wonder.
So sorry for your loss. Hugs
hey there, today s not so good. my ex abuser is now searched by the police and they cant find him but he s dangerous for us. (he treatened my best friend and two other girls to death). i am still shocked a lot and cant get a normal sleep, but i feel way better than i did yesterday. i just feel like its so much going on and really need a break, like one or two hours where just nothing happens and i can relax... trying hard not to push people away as this is something i do when it gets tough. Hope youre having a good rest of the day raven.
@dynamicHemlock1736 Oh My Hemi that is a frightful situation. Keep yourself calm but alert, an keep on top of the police hon. Have some faith, hard for a crrok to hide these days.
Anything I can do to help you find a moment of sunshine in your dreary day?
I've been writing a release book where I write everything out of my head good and bad and I face it and get rid of it. . . Release it.
I've had several good days in a row, it's nice. I'm still worried dark days are around the corner.
@Rebekahwriter13 Glad to hear of your good fortune. Yes dark days are always ahead, hold on to the good days and know there are more ahead.
