Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Friday 7th September 2018
Todays check in is in 3 steps:
* What is something you are grateful for?
* Looking at aggressive vs assertive in communicating boundaries and our needs.
* What is something safe/grounding you can do for yourself today?
The sun shinning here in England, it felt like a lovely warm hug as I entered the kitchen to make breakfast this morning. It made me feel grateful for that still and comforting moment in my day.
The aggressive vs assertive topic was raised yesterday by a brilliant post by @nonethewiser and I wanted to expand on it a bit here where we could all reflect and participate.
I dont know about you guys but I know that I didnt have any good examples growing up of how to be assertive about my needs, and I definitely didnt have any help with regulating my emotions. I remember getting very angry once and being punished and then switched to being passive and feeling like my voice was taken away.
There are a couple of things I have learnt about assertive vs aggressive or passive boundaries and communication that have helped me feel heard and enable me (and some of the other mes) to get the things they need to feel better.
* I cant be assertive when Im triggered, the overwhelm of emotions is so intense that I my inner experience scares me. I cant be objective and balance the emotional and the logical minds to access my wise mind. (A fancy way I saying I cant engage the left and right side of the brain to get my most healthy balanced problem solving.
* When Im aggressive I chase people away, usually when I need them to love me the most.
* When Im passive I feel like Im betraying my sense of self, my values and my needs.
* When I am assertive I feel like I am safe because I have reflected my identity to others and asked for what I need and on really good days, without anxiety and I feel confident. Even if it doesn't work out with the other person I can still hold onto my inner sense of security.
I have a couple of video links for you if this is something that you want to know a bit more about. The first one is about distress tolerance, it is a DBT technique used for Borderline Personality Disorder but at its core DBT is about how we regulate our internal experience to get the best out of our selves and relationships with others. Something that trauma survivors very much need too! https://youtu.be/QLJrEDN6nvU
The second link is more about words or phrases that are assertive rather than aggressive or passive. I love me some practical examples, something I can grab hold of a try out is always less taxing on the brain in the moment as Ive done the pre-thinking when I was in a better place. https://youtu.be/8yIO1_VQF3c
And if you want a bit more on agressive vs assertive: https://youtu.be/rjfle6_Emgg
I know everyone is at different stages in recovery so if you are not able to process all of this that is ok, I would encourage you to watch the beginning of the first video though as it covers grounding in away that reduces distress and is a helpful is getting unstuck if your inner experience is overwhelming you.
Hi Canvas!
I've used 7cups to talk to listeners and therapists but this is my first time looking at the forum. I think I like what I see!
* What is something you are grateful for?
I am grateful for my goddaughter. I haven't been able to see her much, but things are changing. Her mom just got a car so she's able to drop her off at my place when she goes to work.
* Looking at aggressive vs assertive in communicating boundaries and our needs.
I've been needing a lot of help lately from my family and it's been difficult because I feel like they aren't there for me. I try not to ask for too much, but I also try not to ignore my needs either. My mom pointed out last week that sometimes I say "I need xyz" instead of "Can someone help me with xyz." I thought I was communicating my needs, but I guess when it's adult to adult and you ask for a lot, "Could you" makes the other person more responsive and less feeling obligated. I guess my point is, in relationship to assertiveness, even when we are being assertive, we need to be careful to communicate in a way that keeps the other person at ease.
* What is something safe/grounding you can do for yourself today?
One of my hobbies is Lego building. I'm unpacking and organizing the Legos I have because I just moved. I'm going to make some progress on that today, and that will bring me joy.
@Ambrosia Welcome! I hope you'll find that this is a supportive and welcoming space. Legos sounds like a great self-care activity!
@Ambrosia - Welcome! I'm something of a forum worm, so I'm always excited to see new people venture in :)
@Ambrosia
Yay, I'm glad you are looking at the forums and you like it here 
I'm so happy that you get to spend more time with your goddaughter, sounds like she got a good deal with the free babysitting?
I'd day that saying I need xyz is assertive! You aren't saying they should or ought to or using any obligating qualifiers, nor are you saying would you mind or something that suggests you need something but might not really believe you do. It's totally ok to do that adult to adult too hun 
I do think finding a way to communicate that works for both parties is important tho, that win - win outcome is the goal and way to see if both parties are engaging in assertive communication. I thought that was an important point because we can do our best to be assertive but if the other person doesn't want to be itmight leave us feeling like we did something wrong when actually it might have been ok? If it is this scenario it might look like they are asking you to put your need second to theres or avoiding acknowledging you need.
You also need what you need, it's not too much. Even if the person you are asking might not be able to give that to you (for any number of reasons) it doesn't invalidate your need and I would encourage you to build you support network and reach out to others that can help you get your needs met.
LEGOOOOOS are the bomb, maybe second to crafting for me but my other little personalities (I have DID) love lego!!!! If you ever want to nerdy out on lego talk I'm your lady
It is time for me to go to bed now, but I just wanted to say...
You all amaze me with your openess and willingness to share and grow. I've seen you all grow today, some have acknowledged their stage in their journey, others have taken steps towards trying something new and some have reflected on their progress. These are all amazing things to see in our Trauma Fam. Thank you all for being so kind in my first check in and willing to participate.
(My littles just said +1Million progress points for everyone! lol)
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Hey canvas xx
Post memorial disconnect not so affective anymore.. But I suppose when you loose someone dear a person is meant to feel sad. A normal response, And that is ok, it just makes one tired and heavy. Anyway I'm going to bed i think. Hugs xx
@Avaray
grief is a very heavy feeling on the soul and body. I hope you can get some rest
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Thanks canvas xx
@Avaray
Feeling sad is absolutely okay Avaray. Im really sorry for your loss.
Hope you can get some sleep. Good night
@LoveFromSara
Thanks Sarah xx
Sleeping pill about to kick in xx hugs
@Avaray
*Gentle hugs* hope you get a good night's sleep, grief is exhausting <3 *hands a nice cup of tea*
@Lilibuth12
Thank you Lili ❤ and for the tea and hugs🍵 xx