Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in March 2,2018
HI Trauma Community-oops just a bit late
Today I'd like to talk a bit about "trust" <----Yes that word. For trauma survivors it takes a lot to just trust 1 person. Many don't understand this though. Many push to hard, many call us names and many give up on us
That was not right-and should of not happened to any of you. When dealing with trauma abuse of any sorts, it rips out almost your soul. Also trust. That we can not just muster up and have it ready like a cup of coffee. Trust also affects our relationships that we have or try to have alot. Lets see a bit on this.
Relational Trauma involves attachment wounds in relationships, often stemming from intense betrayals in relationships where we expect safety.
How do you know if you are experiencing this?
Panic or dread about starting relationships or deepening them (romantic or platonic)
Persistent distrust of others / suspicions of ulterior motives (for example, with categorical beliefs like men just cant be trusted)
Avoidance of closeness and vulnerability (you project strength or hide your struggles even when youre hurting)
Tense and feeling on-edge around others (sometimes with very real physical ailments like stomach pains)
Conflict avoidance / embroiled in conflict (avoiding conflict like the plague or it seems like youre always in the thick of it)
Critical of yourself and others (has anyone complained that you speak ‘negatively often?)
Isolating from potential support people, even though you desperately need help
Examples of Relational Trauma:
You might be surprised by the many types of relational trauma that may have impacted your ability to connect meaningfully to others. How many of the following have you experienced?
Childhood abuse or Neglect - Physical abuse (leaving bruises, hitting with objects, excessive corporal punishment such as locked in room for hours) Sexual abuse / Incest (commonly within the family but could also be trusted other such as priest, coach, teacher, etc) Emotional / Verbal abuse (relentless teasing or demeaning comments; others unresponsive to your need for support)
Sexual Assault / Rape (including date rape or any time that consent is not active)
Intimate Partner Violence / Domestic Violence Physically abusive (includes threats, throwing objects) Sexual assault or coercion (when you feel you cant say no or worse things will happen)Verbal / Demeaning (frequent put-downs even if positives sprinkled in now and then) Spiritual / Religious (criticizing your faith; disallowing you from attending services) Financially controlling (tightly monitoring spending; unreasonable allowance) Social (restricts access to friends or family)
Harassment or Bullying (at school, work, or in community)
Discrimination (based on sex, race, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity, etc)
Stalking (from past partner or obsessed stranger)
This is a lot
Now that we know more about this, how can we try and work with making positive relationships work for us?
Mindfulness and Compassion When you are triggered by relational trauma, you can quickly enter fight-or-fight mode. This may have made sense previously but now is probably over-used. Through various practices of mindfulness (not just seated meditation), somatic awareness(body-oriented mindfulness), and compassion, you can gradually learn to calm and re-condition the brain.
De-Constructing the Trauma Narrative
I have a somewhat unique take on using the trauma narrative. First, I find the skill in de-constructing narratives (trauma or otherwise) more useful than actually writing new ones. Putting a new script doesnt exactly come from writing or reading a new one aloud. You get there by practicing new ways of relating while you put all those self-limiting beliefs in check. The awareness of when these are activated and how to find your center will be more useful than holding tightly to some new version of yourself.
Exposure and De-Sensitization
Exposure is definitely an aspect of the trauma healing work I offer. Youll naturally be triggered (i.e. exposed) to trauma reminders in all sorts of ways in your regular life. For example, just being in the room with a male (and assumed ‘authority figure) can be exposure enough for some, especially when starting out.
Resilience
We cant change the past, of course, but we can change today and prepare for tomorrow. While you are healing each step you will be guiding youself towards behavior that reinforces resilience and strengths. You may actually surprise yourself with the strength that you do have.
I don't know exactly why I done this for my check in today, maybe for personal reasons, maybe for seeing and feeling things, maybe just seeing the pain and loneliness many go through and want badly some friends and family in their lives. But due to trauma we find that hard. Last thing I say, love yourself as you can. Not as the world tells you to as they don't understand what trauma is or the hell you all been through. Take care of you
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@RumpleSteeleSkin
You made me cry... I know I'm the one who pushes hard and gets over the limit especially on relationships with people. I'm guilty and ashamed of it but as much as it hurts me there's no way of fixing it. That's how I've been dealing the trust issues I have, I cannot stop testing and just trust. At this time I would apologize again but I have done it too many times that is boring and not enough..
@sensitiveShade5337
HIya Shade good to see you in check in
aawww please don't cry-hugzHow you feel is so normal hun-honest. No need to apologize none to me. You are very strong in working hard to make some relationships work and feel right for you. The behaviors we "put out" are cause of the way people hurt us and abused us in the past. That too meaning the ones who were to love us and protect us didn't. There is where we lose the trust our small selves faced back then. Now we are bigger but same person-still trusting is a very hard thing to place back in.
@RumpleSteeleSkin
But as normal as it is, it's not right... I don't like justifying myself but when I'm frustrated and that turns into anger that's when I get out of control and do what I do. I may not understand the pain or the bad thing I do at that moment because I'm angry but I do know it later and it hurts me. It hurts more when I just know I lost somebody from pushing too hard and then of course I feel guilty. To be honest that's I'm trying to change as I've talked it with my therapist so please if I be manipulative again just don't turn your back to me (not to just you rumple)
@RumpleSteeleSkin Hi, this is Teresa, listener and intern in here. and I'm also a crime suvivor. Actually I feel upset to think about what has happend in the past. So I try to lessen the time of thinking about this, though I know constructive narrative in safe place is really important to heal.
@TeresaGreninja91
HI Teresa good to see youI'm sorry to hear that you too faced some sort of trauma. hugzIt ngers me as well when people share their stories and how another can put so much pain on a person. But also I love hearing those in this community fight and heal and share their success stories! I agree with you-to dwell on the trauma past things can make you more in pain. I am thankful to Rain and the team and the community for keeping this place active,safe and supportive so many can have a voice and share.
@RumpleSteeleSkin
hey there! very thoughtful post. as a victim of molestation, physical and emotional abuse, and getting stalked, it put words to something that Is hard to put words too. I am very very hesitant to trust anyone, and it often takes years before someone sees any part of the damages, hurt me. For a lot of ppl who haven't experienced what we have, it's hard to understand what we're going through. When they don't understand what we deal with and what we've been through, people often make critical mistakes that destroy any hope of trusting them. I find that I push people away who try to help me, especially if they haven't seen the things that I have. It seems almost like a pimitive instinct to get away from someone who might have the power to hurt. Im trying very hard to work on that. But anyway, awesome post as always Rumple!
