Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in March 22,2018
HI morning/evening/night trauma community
Today I'd like to share on trauma and love and relationships.Yes I do know this is a big,sensitive,hard topic with anyone dealing with trauma. Sometimes even trauma people feel trusting another is hopeless-a waste or thinking it will never happen to them. But have hope- loving relationships does come though
Give it some time.... Survivors of childhood trauma deserve all the peace and security that a loving relationship can provide. But a history of abuse or neglect can make trusting another person feel terrifying. Trying to form an intimate relationship may lead to frightening missteps and confusion.
Home / Relationships / Loving a Trauma Survivor: Understanding Childhood Traumas Impact On Relationships
Loving a Trauma Survivor: Understanding Childhood Traumas Impact On Relationships
Survivors of childhood trauma deserve all the peace and security that a loving relationship can provide. But a history of abuse or neglect can make trusting another person feel terrifying. Trying to form an intimate relationship may lead to frightening missteps and confusion.
How can we better understand the impact of trauma, and help survivors find the love, friendship and support they and their partner deserve?
Whether the trauma was physical, sexual, or emotional, the impact can show up in a host of relationship issues. Survivors often believe deep down that no one can really be trusted, that intimacy is dangerous, and for them, a real loving attachment is an impossible dream. Many tell themselves they are flawed, not good enough and unworthy of love. Thoughts like these can wreak havoc in relationships throughout life. When early childhood relationships are sources of overwhelming fear, or when absent, insecure or disorganized attachment leaves a person feeling helpless and alone, the mind needs some way to cope.
Many times, trauma survivors re-live childhood experiences with an unresponsive or abusive partner . This often happens without the ability to see the reasons why they feel compelled to pursue unhealthy relationships. Beneath awareness is a drive to revisit unresolved trauma, and finally make things right. Of course, childhood wounds cannot be repaired this way unless there are two willing partners working on changing those cycles. But if these forces remain unnoticed, survivors can get caught in a cycle of abuse. Some of us may feel these things...
Experience depression
Develop compulsive behavior, an eating disorder, or substance dependence to try and regulate their emotions
Have flashbacks or panic attacks
Feel persistent self-doubt
Have suicidal thoughts
Seek or carry out the adverse behavior they experienced as a child
Trauma survivors and their partners have different needs for support. How can one respond when the other is grappling with mental health issues? How do you calm things down when overwhelming emotions get triggered?
1. Have a really good support system for each of you and the relationship. Make time for family and friends who are positive about your relationship and respect you and your loved one.
2. Find a trauma-informed therapist to guide you as a couple or as individuals in your effort to better understand yourselves and each other.
3. Find resources outside of therapy such as support groups or other similar activities
4. Practice mindfulness to raise awareness and recognize triggers for each of you
5. Use self-observation to recognize when to slow down or step back as feelings escalate
What are your thoughts on dealing with past traumas you have, and forming or having a relationship now? What struggles do you still have? What are some strengths you have?
To add or remove your name to our new Trauma Sub Community General tag list to be notified of new threads in the Trauma Sub Community please click here
@Avaray @Shadeshack @BeeLeigh @Faeryschild @Rain45 @Lavendermoonlight @KLM3278 @jr50 @agreeableKite430 @PhoenixPatronus @Morfo66 @raycascotch @KatieMoon1 @Tamb @Jenna0903 @melliotm @PanamaBanana @inventiveOrange1 @HearingYourHeart @TreesandWine @guytb @Chayil @sharkradio @Mkjart @Lilyflower0817 @caterpillargirl @Survivetoalive@@exuberantTriangle2562 @coraline23 @Ivorycat5573 @fearlessPear8268 @SemicolonSurvivor @weare1 @weareall1@Annaka1 @moonchild95 @summernight69 @sheaintgotnoshoes @rationalWillow8882 @DeborahUK @AMusicalSilence @catsith @energeticPenny8 @Rebekahwriter13 @behindhazeleyes @sensitiveShade5337 @singercrystalspirit @wittyTree8219 @Ocendade @Rpjrx @Brooke12 @tenacity37 @Raveninthelabrynth @Axeman53 @kkSp3nc3 @blissedNblessed @Softforesthsp77@AriannaPink @sereneSoul23 @promisemehope @IPreferWinter @Zombii @Godborned @Jessica86 @resourcefulPond1641 @Lilibuth12 @Tir @Michelle0608 @The_Final_Chapter @Halogen @BubblegumPuppy68 @ScarletPear1945 @CaloenasNicobarica @Hoxenos @Christine1980 @TheresaWilliams @Compassionatelistener108 @LovelyChantel @Pureriver56 @unassumingSummer6022 @Reedrainshimmer @resourcefulPond1642 @Kuma0187 @NonHoPaura @courageousNorth9872 @NacienteLuz @Waterlily16 @Helpfulsoul64 @TheHoneyDoll @Saif1for1Resilience @butters45 @purpleWest8143 @silverIceCream21 @Dandelionmoon @Bumblebee16 @consciousawakening @Shaiya365 @archerzvy @JJi @CopingwithTrauma @musicheals61 @disneynerd23 @ScarletPear1945 @Longday08 @sittinginahoneymoon @Quietbeach @loyalYard9488 @thatdramaticsoprano @understandingJackfruit9057 @amiableZebra3993 @Waterstreams057 @placidFriend3007 @AndreT @orchard9786 @Myosotis17@sociableSailboat9634 @Calmlake1999 @emotionalMaple9419 @calmballoon3183 @disneynerd23 @MomRNFNP @Pdanziger@easymap6620 @MoreThanAConqueror18 @candyhaunt @namelessgirl99 @plumLake851 @streamoftears @quixoticRaven @Redhawk6547@Sk1ttles @Shayc1@Samdoc99 @Mikathewolfdog @Tacomytaco @stella17 @blinkk @PaperCrane1123 @Equalnotabove @felicia96 @CartoonDarling @Tayboi @Compassion21 @lilblackcat89 @ashes @selfdisciplinedTriangle5384 @amiableSummer3420@FangsInsanity @Anj0806 @Spoonog @rissadawn @brokenflutterby @g00dwitch @No715 @SpruceRaven @tidyMoon3222 @helpfulHuman4992 @Djs3 @dynamicHemlockHemlock1736 @Hope3729 @hardworkingStrawberries3477 @courageousCake401 @humorousBeing8966 @NancySV1 @mysticPhoenix883 @oceanmom @gymnast9460 @Nonbinarywaffle7706 @Tbeth @felixfriend @Chels
@RumpleSteeleSkin
Survivors often believe deep down that no one can really be trusted, that intimacy is dangerous, and for them, a real loving attachment is an impossible dream. Many tell themselves they are flawed, not good enough and unworthy of love. Thoughts like these can wreak havoc in relationships throughout life. -- Yes, I really struggled with trust for a few years after what happened to me. I still struggle a bit, but not nearly as much as I did. I learned that you have to just... trust. There's no other way to learn to trust again than to try trusting again. And you get hurt a lot at first... but you keep going. And yes, I told myself awful things like that for a very long time... in fact, I grew up in a religion that TAUGHT me that those things were true about myself.
...Beneath awareness is a drive to revisit unresolved trauma, and finally make things right. Of course, childhood wounds cannot be repaired this way unless there are two willing partners working on changing those cycles. But if these forces remain unnoticed, survivors can get caught in a cycle of abuse. Some of us may feel these things...
Experience depression -- Yes
Develop compulsive behavior, an eating disorder, or substance dependence to try and regulate their emotions -- Eating disorder
Feel persistent self-doubt -- Yes
Have suicidal thoughts -- Yes (not currently)
I finally feel ready to give a relationship another go. Life is busy and stressfull, but I am trying to balance it. I am 30, and I would like to have a partner and to build a life. I believe in myself, and I am ready to do my best. I believe we are all traumatized from life, in one way or another. Life can be traumatic! And we are resilient. Anyways, those are my thoughts. My biggest thought is that I would love to form a relationship with someone who is significantly less traumatized than me, so that it will be easier! But yet someone who understands, and who is gentle and supportive.
@singercrystalspirit
Hi Spirit good to see youI do agree on survivors believing they can no longer trust or have that intimate relationship with someone-ever! As well as feeling flawed, useless or not good enough. These all do put "weight" into a relationship- but sometimes believing in that special someone who CAN accept and love you out weights all these things. It is good to hear that you just "do it" just get out there and trust again- even though yes we do get hurt, but we get back up and try it again. I'm sorry to hear of a religion having you believe in lies about who you are. That to me is so wrong and decieves a person who has been through trauma. That plays more damage then anything hugzChildhood wounds take much time to heal, and I really can't say if they completely heal or not. For me it was many people showing me that unconditional love and true friendship that helped me to grow forward and trusting. Yes in relationships all those feelings will be there. Thing is having a partner willing to go through it with you and stop that cycle and be with you to heal and not want to hurt you no more. That is good to hear that you are ready to give it a good and be in a relationship. I love you sharing that "I believe in myself" those are very strong words you can say to yourself to help move forward in life. Good for you!! Those thoughts you have on finding someone with less trauma is very normal- the understanding and being gentle and supporting weighs more then anything else. I do hope very soon you find that special love
@RumpleSteeleSkin
Hi It's good to see you too
Thank you :):):):): It has been maybe the hardest part of my journey trying to sort through that religion piece. So painful. And sad. Getting a message like that from that.
I think I agree with you, so far -- that little by little, different people coming alongside me and being my friends and showing me unconditional love has slowly helped me heal. I truly hope I find a good partner. I don't know how I will, but I hope
Thank you so much You are the sweetest. That all makes sense. Thank you. Take care.
@singercrystalspirit
Love the way you are saying "little by little, different friends coming alongside me and showing unconditional love" its only taking it slowly step by step that we heal. Thank you for reminding us. x
@RumpleSteeleSkin
I had the dentist today, I realised that I find it hard to trust people even when they haven't harmed me before it's like the potential is still there. I got a lot of abuse memories in the chair again. As I sat there thinking about it all I was trying to separate past and present and remain in the now and not the 'then' that was creeping back into my mind. I realised that I had a new way of looking at things in the last few months. Most people know here that I am a mind control programming survivor. Every day I fight the programming and all the lies they put into my mind and try to override the programs and chose my own path. I started the concept of tracts in my mind, 1st is my track, 2nd is the programmed track and 3rd is the beliefs/rules I(or my parts) previously created to stay safe. When a thought pops up I work out which one it belongs to and if it is programmed or abuse reactive, I mentally write my own new one and put myself on my own track. When I saw your post I realised that this is something that I have done with my hubby and a couple of others I deem as 'safe' people. I separated the lie that sexual abuse is intimacy, it is not. It's violation of the body, mind and soul. Intimacy is loving the person on all levels and respecting their needs and allowing them to be their own person and maintain the boundaries they need to be safe. Today at the dentist I realised that I also had to do this in none intimate relationships. The 3rd track was telling me don't let her touch me, Don't let anyone put anything in your mouth but I had to write my own track to say, she is healing my tooth, and she is only touching me because she is helping me and this is not the same (even though it really really felt like it).
@LifeIsMyCanvas thank you for sharing this here.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
HI Canvas glad you dropped by todayHaving that fear or thought of another harming you is very normal to have since trauma and abuse has happened to you before. It was so brave of you to be in that dentist chair and have those memories and then being mindful of the now and not the past. It is ok to challenge your thoughts and beliefs in any way you need to to find truth and to keep going forward in healing. I do like your sharing on this. Also wow hands up for you rewriting the truth and putting it in there to then believe!! Yes-Yes and Yes on how you seperated abuse/rape verse intimacy with a partner. Intimacy is love,caring,gentleness and respecting the others body. Good job in self talking when the dentist had to touch you. Letting your brain and body know she was safe and not hurting you but actually helping you by fixing your teeth. That had to be hard to do-but look you did it You are a very strong person Canvas and actually by your post you have me encouraged on some of my own thoughts from past. Thank you!
I have never been in a relationship. I always wanted be in one. You know deep down I still believe in true love and stuff like that. For me the most difficult issues is to convince myself that I deserve to be love and that I do look good. I find it so, so hard to believe that someone could ever fall in love with me...
@sincerePark336
You are so worth being loved Park. One day the right person will see your value but until then remember that just because someone fails to recognise your value, it doesn't mean you are worth any less.
@sincerePark336
HIya Park thank you for checking in todayIt is good that at least YOU believe in true love-that it is true and possible. The hard part yes is believing that you deserve this. That is hard-but not impossible. I can not tell you this is true or false. But may I just say, take that belief you have on true love-and knowing it is possible. In time and as you do self compassion/love for self you will feel that yes you deserve to be loved from another. hugz
@RumpleSteeleSkin The issues that I have in the relationship I am in is that I cannot achieve the level of intimacy that he wishes for. He understands that something is wrong, but he is slightly frustrated because I haven't been able to overcome this wall to achieve full intimacy. I'm trying though.
@FangsInsanity
It's great that you have an understanding partner, I think that's needed in every relationship, with or without a traumatic past, as trauma survivors we just need this extra understanding sometimes... Don't push yourself to fulfill your partners needs, be patient with yourself and always do only what you're feeling comfortable with... It's part of the whole healing, it's baby steps, but it'll get better 😊
@FangsInsanity
HI Fang good to see youThank you for sharing this with us, I know it must of been hard. It is good that he DOES understand that there is something wrong for you to reach the next level in intimacy. You are really trying to get to that point in your relationship. Maybe if he understands you, both of you believe that in time you will go forward in the relationship. You are doing a good job just being in a relationship and also dealing with trauma issues. Believe this hugz
@RumpleSteeleSkin this is a really great topic, very important and I guess for some hard to even think about, but I hope that a few success stories can give everybody who's not able to have a relationship yet lots of hope...
I would count my relationship to my boyfriend as a success story, I think, we're a couple for over 6 years, know each other half of my life, so nearly 16 years... He has literally seen me at my worst and he never gave up on me... It's thank to his persistence that we are a couple, I pushed him away many times, it was just really hard for me to believe that anybody could love me, I just didn't know that feeling... and sometimes it's still difficult, I mean I trust him with my life, but sometimes there are those little voices that I don't deserve anything, that I'm not worth his love, that I'm only a burden for everybody around me, that I don't belong anywhere... And I don't think that will ever stop completely, but the times when the voices are silent are getting more often...
It's sth different with friends, I don't really have any and getting to know new people is nearly impossible... It's hard for me to open up to new people, well for weeks I'm thinking about writing one of those diaries here, but well, I can't bring myself to just do it, I don't know why.... So no friends, but a great boyfriend and 3 more people I call my family and I'm grateful for that 😊
@courteousNorth5140
HI North good to see you todayYes this topic is very hard for many still dealing with trauma triggers or trusting another on the intimacy level. But then again- there are many with great success stories to support and encourage others
Wow that is great that he is there for you even at your worst. I do understand even though being with someone a very long time-having those push-pull times, and also to believe that yes someone really can love me for me. I am smiling here as I read and respond to you feeling happy for you and thinking what a wonderful man you have right nowI am sorry to hear that voices are telling you negative things and it's getting harder. Can I ask- has anything changed around you? Is there like any anniversary dates or maybe something you are dealing with personally? Oh wait
they are lessoning meaning going away?? I hear you on making friends
I too still have some issues in areas I am still working on. I am fine with the few I have and my family. Writing in the diary area is so so brave of those who do it. In time you to will write maybe something small....then in time you will find you are making a whole page of things. Keep doing a great job-push forward
@RumpleSteeleSkin
Thank you very much for your nice words, it means a lot to me that somebody cares 😊 yeah, my voices are lessoning, most of the time I'm quite fine, I'm grateful for everything I have achieved and for the people I have in my life... It's just a feeling of everything's really fragile, it's like a walk on the edge, anytime I could stumble and fall... And I think that's the feeling most trauma survivors have, they can't trust the good times to be forever, cause they remember how bad bad times can be...
But there really is an upcoming anniversary, actually a positive one, April 4th is my personal Independent Day, the day I escaped my father's house, and this year it will be the 16th anniversary and every day after April 4th will mean, I'm longer without him than with him... I'm grateful for being who I am and where I am, but still, so much time passed and it's still present...
But your words and this whole little community are giving me hope somehow, that humanity isn't as cruel and cold as it seems 😊 so thank you very much
@courteousNorth5140
HI North againI believe in sharing kindness and understanding when someone shares of anything especially pain. Im not perfect now-or know the right words to say at times, but kindness is a must. I do know that "on the edge" feeling very well. Not for awhile as I learned to embrace just for today. Not for what "might" happen. Yes many trauma survivors do have that fragile time many times. Just awaiting for something bad to happen to them again. It is very normal tho. Thing is to try and be in today only. Think about plans for this day only. We can't see in the future, nor really want to-lol At these moments when you feel "on the edge" and have those fears- please can you try and focus on what you do have right in front of you. Focus maybe on some pictures on the walls. Remember those memories if you can
."I'm grateful for being who I am and where I am"<------Remember these are your words
Anniversary dates really can be hard to deal with. Our bodies and minds go to that time and the fear and panick are there again. BUT, you are on 16 years now, you are stronger now. You are loved and cared for now. I hope this video helps you
https://youtu.be/M6qQdFeaimY Letting Go Visualization to release the past
https://youtu.be/laeYq51SYA0 Dealing with intrusive thoughts
https://youtu.be/SlYhG1H9MqA Some laughs
@RumpleSteeleSkin
Thank you again for your words, well, I think those were really the right words... And I totally agree with you, kindness is sth absolutely important for me too... Unfortunately nowadays kindness is often confused with weakness, but well, that's a different topic...
And you are absolutely right about focussing and the here and now, that's what I'm trying, I'm not thinking ahead further than one or two days... Sometimes even that is too much... And well, yeah 16 years, I'm really proud of my progress, of course I am, I never thought I'll make it that far, but, there's always a but and I really hate those buts... It's just these questions I shouldn't ask anymore, why? When will it stop? Will it ever stop? Silly questions, I know there aren't any answers and I should be over asking them...
I think I'm at a weird point in my life, somehow I'm over it, my life is better than I ever expected, cause I never expected anything, I like my life, I know I'm loved and I'm grateful for that every day, but still, even if I'm completely content, I'm still broken and I just think I just can't heal any more... And perhaps that's just ok...
Thank you so much for the videos, they were really helpful, especially the last one 😂 the perfect video for me 😊 I loved it, thank you so much, I hope everybody here watched it and had sth to laugh today...
@courteousNorth5140
@RumpleSteeleSkin
I hope I was not out of line. Sorry if I was. No harm intended
@scarletPear1945
HI Pear by no means you are. And I am glad you trust here to share and know you can be open on things. You are doing fine
Hello Family
I read the topic, I've read the replies, and I find this so hard still to talk about. I think some of you know that I am married. By means of an arranged marriage by the Church. We were not allowed to date or get to know one another prior to the wedding. I was picked to be this mans wife. My sexual abuse began at 4 and has followed throughout my adult life. Having Therapy 3 times in life and no support at all. It brings tears to my eyes to even type these words. I have never been able to trust men and am shaky with women. That was one of the things my Therapist was saying." YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE TO TRUST ME" That was not happening and did not happen which later resulted in my letting her go. My relationship with my husband has been flawed since the beginning. Doctors gave him the details of what he would possibly be facing if we married. He chose to marry me. Love was never a factor for me, I had to do what the church said and they were firm no divorcing. I have never been able to feel intimate with him. Yes for a short time I tried to do the wifely duty. I never got there and I still suffer from the brokenness an absence of being able to feel like a Complet woman. Because of the sexual violence, I was left with only 10% of nerves meaning almost like being paralyzed or numbed. My husband won't go to any type of counseling and never has. I chose to not continue trying intimacy it makes me sick to my stomach and I will just throw up.
So to any of you, I would tell you to Please get help as early as you can because unresolved it will follow you forever. Tormenting and reaking habic in your life. Always leaving you feeling less than a person. NOT YOUR FAULT, yet you are paying a price for what someone else has done. Trust is a real biggie for me and or the lack of trust.
Because of this, it flows into my trust in God as a man. It makes me doubt that Love that he is supposed to have for us. I never felt it and I sure did not see it. Not saying this out of bitterness but as unresolved issues and as said on the topic. When trauma and violence in all you've seen. Then tell me where does trust come into play, where is it found, and How do I obtain that?????
@scarletPear1945
Thank you for sharing that, you are really an impressive person, having the strength to go through such a nightmare... I don't know what to say, only that I really admire you... Stay strong and don't lose hope...
@scarletPear1945 I am overwhelmed with feelings of sadness for you right now. I hope that one day you will be able to trust another person enough to allow them to help guide you in some healing. You are amazingly strong and worthy of support and I am so sorry for the horrible things youve experienced. I am sending you many healing thoughts and hugs if you want them as well ❤️
@purpleWest8143
Thank you so much an I am accepting of your hugs and well wishes. Thank
i cant have relationships
I wish
@Sparky1
Hi Sparky nice to see youI'm sorry to hear that having or making relationships is hard or you just can't.
