Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in March 9,2018
HIya community- morning or night to all of you
Is it really possible to enjoy life after so much pain? How does a person heal from trauma? You start to wonder if its even possible or where to start. How do you get past the whole question of why bad things happen to good people? You wonder if youll ever be happy again. Is that possible
For many the healing part, the joy and happiness, the being able to connect with people and really have good friends, being close to healthy family.......these are just "some" of what we all crave to being normal-right!
It is possible to feel some joy, happiness, peace, things like that with also dealing with trauma issues. I am not sitting here and quickly putting this together without remembering how it was to start to heal and not be so angry and hurt. But over time my heart is almost mended not perfectly but it is coming along
How can we work past our pain and start to love self- for self??
1. Start by recognizing and taking a hard look at your stance and its limitations.
How do you view the world and how to cope with others? By doing this, you are not only being honest with yourself, but you begin to separate the past from present. That question might make you feel intimidated or may help you to think more. Know where those boundaries are for you. Like a safe zone that only YOU are allowed
2. Get closure
You want to begin to heal some of the trauma by trying to create closure, expressing what you could not express at the time. Try writing a letter. Say all you need to. Then write a second letter, from them to you, saying what it is you most want them to say, that they are sorry, that it wasnt your fault, that they loved you. Make the letters as detailed as possible, and allow yourself to write down whatever comes to mind.
3. Step outside your comfort zones and patterns
Time to be the grownup rather than the frightened child. Experiment with stepping outside your comfort zone: Speak up rather than being passive, open up and lean in in rather than being closed and isolated, focus on the present rather than constantly looking ahead to the frightening future, or experiment with letting go of anger and control. This one is a rough one-take care with it and maybe make sure there is someone there for some support.
4. Get support and help
All of this is easier said than done, of course, and support and help is what you never really received. Here you may take the risk of seeking professional help to support and make those baby steps towards some behavioral changes, you maybe think of working on feelings is important. At this time when you finally are ready know you are brave You are strong and brave to seek some support and start healing or some understanding.
Be bold, be patient. Whats important is moving forward so you dont have to keep always protecting yourself from danger" Benjamin Button
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I try opening up. Even to listeners here and all I'm met with is people telling me I'm wrong to feel how I do. It's not always a case of steps you can take because you may take these good steps. But ultimately they can leave you with no hope or a feeling of pointlessness. Yeah maybe it's "brave" to try, but there's no point when it leaves you feeling worse
@RumpleSteeleSkin
@fairmindedTangerine8216
HI Fairminded good to see you todayIm sorry that the listeners are saying this to you. How you feel is how you feel. They are valid feelings that no one can say anything to-or that you are wrong for feeling this way. Sometimes yes you take those steps and they just are not working-and yes still feeling hopeless. I have been there once or twice for awhile. Can I ask please, what will help you if you got a chance to meet a really good listener here? What would you like from that listener besides validation, understanding, patience and empathy?
I don't expect anything from anyone. It's just when you share something really personal and traumatic and it's met with a "you're worng to feel that way" and "its normal for everyone so it's wrong of you to try and say it's not normal for you becuase your just one person". It's something I am aware of and I do appreciate there's things with society that I can't fully integrate with but coming to a place like this, or sharing with loved ones in person, I just expect someone to listen be compassion and appreciate it's difficult for me to share. So maybe don't tell me how I'm wrong but work with me to help me work through it or share ideas I have to progress. Even if they can't or won't contribute, I just need that supportive voice to help me decide for myself rather than keep it bottled
@RumpleSteeleSkin
@fairmindedTangerine8216
Fairminded thank you for sharing on what you need. THANK YOU
@fairmindedTangerine8216 I'm really sorry that you experienced that. You're not wrong and it was not correct to judge you. It's okay to feel your feelings just as they are, and I think actually that is really important. It was not your fault that you experienced what happened to you. No one can judge you about that. I really do wish you the best.
@RumpleSteeleSkin
It is possible, and I don't know how.
I was working through ACT, as well as another anxiety resource my mom sent me, and it seems that my anxiety was caused by trauma. Something in my brain shifted. I feel opened up again.
@singercrystalspirit its great to hear you found something that clicked and made sense for you ❤️
Im curious what ACT is as I think it may be something completely different in Canada? My only reference/ knowledge of ACT is not based on an anxiety resource?
@purpleWest8143
Thank you : ) It stands for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It was actually a Canadian who got me into it! I duno!
@singercrystalspirit
awesome! Totally why I asked 😉 in my neck of the woods we have ACT TEAMS (acute community treatment) so completely different thing!
@singercrystalspirit
HI Singer nice to meet you and see you in check in todayYes it is possible when the time is right. Its not always telling someone do 1-2-3-4 and things are fine. In everyones timing and way. It is great your mom is supporting you with things to help you with your anxiety. I am not familiar with ACT tho. Is it helping you some? Anxiety can form when dealing with trauma- idk how to share this with you, just know many develope this. I was wondering what you meant by "I feel opened up again" Do you mean that you feel your anxiety is controled or something else?
@RumpleSteeleSkin Hi it's Teresa and now I'm checkin in.
I think what you're telling about healing process is so true. But sometimes it's really hard to reach out for help, espcially when we're suffering from serious trauma. For example, it's really hard for me to talk about my crime experience as a survivor, especially to stranger medical staffs. That's why I took online therapy for myself.
Of course it's really important to talk about our experience and journal what has happend to us, but we need our own time to do those, not to ruin our current life. And it's also important to focus on what is joyful in our lives also.
Sometimes it's really hard for me to read articles like " forgive perpetrater". Now I'm intern and I needed to complete my training course all, so I read all of the forgiveness course as well, but I couldn't sleep all night after that. Actually I think what we need to do first is forgive ourselves.
Sometimes it's really hard for me to live like " nothine-ever-happened".
I hope everyone in here would have a good time today. You're not alone. We're struggling and that matters.
@TeresaGreninja91
HI Teresa good to see you in check in todayWhen healing or finding your personal joy/happiness is always when the person is ready to deal with this new part of themselves after trauma. I don't like when people say "do it now" or "your ready" Just not my place I feel to determine that-the person will know thisI recognize the communication to others about trauma is very hard for many. But some do have success with it-so don't lose hope! Thing I found out was the trust most of the time. But also others not understand or having empathy, but showing hardness and ignorance. Its a give and take on this I have seen. Now....as far as forgivness go-that is a very hard step to complete or even try. Like wow trying to forgive the people that put so much pain and hurt to you....yeah
But...it is possible when the person is ready and when no one makes them do it. The person has to be strong and in the right place, or their healing can be destroyed. Im sorry you had trouble sleeping when reading on this. A lot to take in right? And yes forgiving self comes first
@RumpleSteeleSkin Thank you so much for your kind message. Actually I've been on the way of Prolonged Exposure therapy and found it good and effective at least for me. I had really bad experiences of talking my trauma also, but now I find it's okay to talk about that with my therapist. But only to my therapist, actually. I just don't want to talk about that in front of strangers with curiosity. Actually it is really hard to find good therapist who can do PE in Japan. I found her online and she's not Japanese, though it was better for me.
I think trying not to think about the trauma I have for a long time was important for me. I'm not trying to forgive them. Of course I know some of the people can do it, but currently that kind of attempt can harm "my" current life as a student trying to be a physician. I'm not full of hatred now, but just don't want to forgive that perpetrators.
"Suggesting forgiveness" is sometimes harmful and even offensive to survivors as you told me, and actually I think recovering from trauma without forgiveness can happen. Actually I'm recovering without that process. Of coures as a Christian, I sometimes have conflict, but when I feel that, I let my God to pray for me. I ask him to do "what he want to do" to them, not forgiving them by myself.
We're not frightened children making excuses not to get out from our comfort zone when we're having our own time to move forward. We all need that kind of time before we make actions. We just need support when we are overwhelmed.
I hope you see my points and wish you the very best. Thank you so much for your thread.💕
Wow, that is a mouthful of decisions and actions to work through. This is where I am and getting closure is not feels like a work of art to accomplish. How do you mean by explore our stance on the world and other people? A closure is extremely hard when your voice is silenced. I am and have been working on closure for a while so I can move on. What I am finding is that I have to sweep it under the rug and forget that I put it there. No one wants you to talk it out to get closure because of its content. Even our so-called Professional counselors struggle with this aspect of assistance. This is why people shut down and become silent and passive.
Not trying to be controversial but this is where and what I have been working on since September. I am about ready to think just throw the towel in and accept things as they are. Putting on my Big Girl Panties.
@scarletPear1945
Pear hello good to see you"Explore your stance on the world and people" means only observe your thoughts and feelings on certain things in society or about people. For example"I hate people around me" I look at why I hate people close to me. It is due to anxieties one might have. So their fears kinda blur things for them cause their anxieties are strong and blocking out what others might have to offer. Yes closer is a hard step to take and many don't get this. As you share your voice is silented-Im sorry for this. It should not be and everyone deserves some form of closere. It helps many dealing with trauma to (sorry for this words) kinda move on, work on other things. Closere is a stuck feeling I think-not sure how others feel. Oh dear your words are so important they have feelings and stories and questions. And to just have others put it away and ignore it is so so not right. I do so agree with you on people trying to get some help but get turned down and form silence and become passive over this. Its not right. You deserve and have the right to some support. To be heard. To be validated for how you feel and what you need to share. If those people can't help you then they should direct you to were you can get this support. I can't say quite or run forward in your path for healing. Do what you need to do to accomplish your goals and feel heard. I hope that one person you bumb into that they are your support and can truly listen to you. Yes I have many big girl nickers for days like this. You are doing a great job
I am having such a stressful day. I am stressed. In addition to the other challenges we have been dealing with on a daily basis the past couple months, today has a new stressor: my spouse's manipulative narcissistic parent told us they are going to drive hours to see us at our place tomorrow. This terrifies me. I feel like a child again, unsafe, erratic thoughts. I do have a history of abuse with this person. This person claims to have changed, but I have heard that before. They want to come into our place, which I am not ready for whatsoever. My spouse told them that we both need to build up to home visits, and recommended meeting for lunch or dinner instead. (My spouse is amazing.) I thought that was fair, a completely reasonable request given our history. The narcissistic parent however is refusing to compromise. They are driving hours to see us and refuse to meet us anywhere except inside our home. My home. My safe place. Upsettingly, they said "it will be okay" because they "will be good" and "won't say anything bad." I have heard all of that before, and it doesn't mean anything to me. At this point, we have expressed our boundaries, concenrs, and tried to compromise, and they just don't care. Already, they are pushing our boundaries, being stubborn and manipulative. There are many signs that they haven't changed at all. My spouse is extremely stressed as well with all of this, they've been trying to convince their parent to compromise all day, but their parent is refusing. We are willing to meet them halfway, but they refuse. This is about them respecting our boundaries. They claim that they're trying to repair our relationship, but it is already starting off with age-old narcissistic patterns that I thought I had extracted myself from years ago.
I am terrified they are going to show up on our doorstep tomorrow - or any time - uninvited. My spouse is still trying to get them to respect our boundaries, and I hope they succeed because I am kind of freaking out. I have urges to pack and move. I have urges to put together a 'runaway' pack, I haven't had those kinds of safety triggers in years.
Maybe one day, again if we build up to it, maybe one day I can welcome them into my home again - but for now, I need them to udnerstand that due to my history and my history with them in particular, I need time and tiny baby steps to get to that point. In no way do I want to set a precedent where it's ok for them to visit in my safe place without my permission.
I could go on and on, but I see there's already a lot here so I will leave it at that. I wrote all this out hoping it would make me feel better, and it has a tiny amount. However, my brain is still scrambling. Trying to practice some calming techniques, but horrified about tomorrow. My spouse says they don't want this to ruin my evening, but I am already on edge and trying not to panic.
Thanks for reading my frantic ramblings. Breathing.