Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Checkin - Monday 17th July 2017
Good Morning Y'all!!!! How are you all doing today? Im up bright and early, even if I don't feel quite awake yet, the coffee is yet to kick in 
I hope that whatever this Monday brings for you, is good and positive 
I got to thinking about change, courage and how the two sometimes can very much go hand in hand. We need courage sometimes to make the changes in our lives that we wish to see for yourselves. Change too can be really scary and some people find coping with change really difficult. Sometimes one of the toughest challenges you may find yourself facing in your healing is digging deep and finding the courage to make the changes you need or wish for yourself.
Finding the courage to change your life, or aspects of your life that your not happy with, starts with an understanding that perhaps some of the ways of coping you may be using, the negative self talk, self harm, wanting to control things, isolating yourselves etc really isnt working anymore. It's often keeping you locked into a cycle, and a cycle that has become self defeating, where change is not happening and where you remain stuck. You sometimes have to get to a place where you really own and accept that it just wont help you to keep doing things the way you have been, how you have had enough of being stuck, and want to begin reclaiming your life back after trauma.
Sometimes the reasons we fear change may be fear of embarrassment, fear of failure, and fear of success, yes that right the fear of success!! Because stepping outside your comfort zone, is unfamiliar. Almost nobody is afraid of success, but there are people who avoid it, deny it, or reject it. Not wanting to succeed is a rational consequence of the fear of failure. Past experiences of trauma may feed our fear of success. For some survivors, the excitement of success feels uncomfortably close to the feeling of arousal they may have experienced when subjected to a traumatic event. People who have experienced trauma may associate the excitement of success with the same physiological reactions as trauma. They avoid subjecting themselves to excitement-inducing circumstances, which causes them to be almost phobic about success. Also many survivors have been conditioned to believe that the road to success involves risks such as "getting one's hopes up" - which threatens to lead to disappointment. Some survivors have been put down all their lives, told they were losers their whole life, in one way or another. These messages become internalized and subsequently Survivors have such little self worth that they don't believe they are deserving or worthy of success.
When you are afraid to make a mistake for fear of looking bad, foolish, stupid, or incompetent, it is very hard to try something new.
As a survivor it may be difficult to accept that you do have the right to ask for something that you need or want, you have the right to choose, the right to say no without having to justify this to others. Instead of believing conflicts and disagreements with others must be your fault, maybe part of your change will be accepting that its not always your fault when things go wrong or when there are disagreements happening around you. As a trauma survivor you may have been blamed for everything that happened to you. Part of your change may be finding the courage to not take things personally as you may have been used to doing, and letting go of the responsibility you may feel, accepting that you have no control over how others react to what you say or do, and that they are responsible for their actions, their feelings.
One of the hardest battles you may face, is learning the difference between what can be changed and what cant, and not setting yourself unrealistic expectations or goals that are just not obtainable. For some of you perhaps finding the courage to change things will involve acceptance of your limitations, acceptance of yourself or who you are, good warts and all, changing what you wish to change eg your behaviour, your reactions and responses. Perhaps the hardest change for you may be growing self respect, setting healthier boundaries for yourself and with others, learning to let go of guilt, shame or blame.
So my questions for you today to think about are:
Are you able to begin to challenge the negative self talk, the limited belief system you hold as survivors of trauma, the self perception that you just cant do this?
Are you able to start reaching out to others who will help you along your journey of making those changes you wish for yourself no matter how hard? Having the support of others, can really help you feel supported as you begin to make changes for yourself.
Are you able to begin to put one thing into you daily life that brings you joy instead of holding onto old patterns of being that lock you into isolation and unhappiness?
-Having the courage to make changes going process that gets easier over time. Its a process, that embraces the courage to make mistakes and to have life unfold in ways you didnt expect. While some changes happen quickly, many take months or years to fully take place. We still need courage to keep going and keep building our lives the day after the change and the day after that, too.
What will give you the courage to step into the new and unknown?
This is your safe space to share with others whats happening for you, the good, the bad, the inbetween. Healing from Trauma is tough but its made easier when we are able to share with one another and seek support. Be kind to yourselves
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@dancingRainbow45
Are you able to begin to challenge the negative self talk, the limited belief system you hold as survivors of trauma, the self perception that you just cant do this? Yes
Are you able to start reaching out to others who will help you along your journey of making those changes you wish for yourself no matter how hard? Having the support of others, can really help you feel supported as you begin to make changes for yourself.Yes
Are you able to begin to put one thing into you daily life that brings you joy instead of holding onto old patterns of being that lock you into isolation and unhappiness?YES
JUST A BIT MOTIVATION 
What will give you the courage to step into the new and unknown?
To let myself be human and sometimes make mistake. Maybe ask at last who try to contact for help...Take a breake for a while.
@conscientiousPineapple1782 Love this Pineapple and we can help be your motivation :) We are all behind you here Everyone makes mistakes and I think its so easy to beat ourselves up over making mistakes, putting ourselves down thinking we are useless and have failed, but its whats called being human
@dancingRainbow45
Another amazing article by you!! This really applies to me at the moment. The people who know about childhood abuse that I was talking about yesterday, they want me to stand up to my abuser. They believe that, by breaking the cycle, I will heal and he may become repent for his sins, turn his attitude around and come to the Lord. As you can imagine, it takes a shitload of courage to do that. They excpect changes soon, but I just don't think I can deal with that stress at the moment. I mean, that's a huge huge huge change in my life. Actually expressing my emotions, and too the person telling me to shut them off.... I'm shaking just thinking about it. They think that's the only problem I have. They are mistaken. So many more problems that give me the name SemicolonSurvivor. I honestly think it will take at least a year for me to work up the courage for this. Maybe even 2. I just dont think they are gonna stick around for that long. I'll be their center of attention for a week, then they will forget about me completely. I'm used to it. I really love and care about these ones though. If they leave me like the others, I will be absolutely crushed. I got my hopes up on them, which is very dangerous territory. It's ironic, because I trusted them with the 2nd most secret I have, which I guard with my life, but I don't trust them not to leave me just like everyone else did. Thanks for letting me rant again like always😄
@SemicolonSurvivor Thank you, I try to make my posts thought provoking as well as posting fun posts sometimes. :)
The decision about standing up to your abuser should always be one that you make for yourself. Dont allow others to pressurize you into something that has no guaranteed outcome. Whatever you wish to do must serve your needs, not the needs of others, for they have not gone through what you have. By speaking out yes it may break the silence that abusers instill in their victims, but even by posting here, in one way that could be seen as speaking out. Whilst people may wish to believe an abuser will be sorry etc the reality is that not all of them are, infact many never take responsibility for their actions. I think if someone speaks out wanting their abuser to accept responsibility and to say sorry, they also need to be aware, they may not get what they want. It would be great if you were to get validation and an apology but if you don't and you feel pressured into seeking one, how would it leave you feeling, if what others led you to believe may happen didnt? Could you cope emotionally with a confrontation?
If your shaking at just thinking about it, perhaps now is not the right time to even be considering doing that. Perhaps if this is something you wish to do in the future, it may be worth concentrating on yourself now, getting the support you need and getting yourself strong, perhaps through therapy etc. And if in the future you decide you do not wish to speak to your abuser or challenge them about what they did, thats okay too. micolonSurvivor.
If the people around you care about you, they should respect your wishes and decisions and stick with you. Those who care about others, dont make demands on others, dont try and change who you are and allow you to make decisions that are right for you. And loss is tough especially if you have made yourself vulnerable to people by sharing what you have about your abuse. Being vulnerable as a child and being hurt may link very closely to why you fear people leaving especially if you have made yourself vulnerable in sharing what you went through. In addition, perhaps people in your past have walked away or left etc.
Great post Semi and thanks for sharing
@SemicolonSurvivor
Everyone esle has posted the same things I want to say to you, so I'm not going to repeat it, but I want you to know I'm in your conner. Keep going Survivor- On the other post, I'll respond with how I asked if my trusted person was losing interest or annoyed. Just haven't gotten to it yet.
Mary
@dancingRainbow45
That makes two us waiting for the coffee to kick in lol. Courage to change is a big topic for me as I look to transition myself into a new career. It's quite terrifying to be honest. And I can see now that the coffee is kicking in... XD
@philosophicalShip9444 Oh the coffee worked for me long ago lol What career are you thinking of changing to or from Ship and is it changing to a new job area that scares you the most or something else?
Still feeling ill. Time to get ready for counseling. Luckily worked cancelled today in favorites of getting it all done tomorrow. So, so tired physically and emotionally.
I am not sure what to do about the drinking thing. I wish he would have just chosen me over it. He says whether or not he drinks is dependent on how well I do. I think it's a lie but I also can't help but feel I'm failing. Because I've always failed in the past. I can't seem to rise to the challenge. It's just a bad deal both ways. I know it seems illogical but in my mind I am always the exception to the rule.
I wish I could gain some objectivity regarding this subject. I might be becoming too tired to care. He is going to push me so far I will seek separation. Then I will be broken forever.
I hate to do this to him. I just don't know what's the right thing to do. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me. And I don't mean to hurt him. But we both end up hurting.
20+ years of being all the other one had ever known. 20+ years of love and heartache always mixed together. Things that used to be acceptable or needed are no longer acceptable. I feel like I'm betraying him and forsaking him when he maybe needs me most. But he probably doesn't need me at all because he does almost everything and I do almost nothing.
@themainjane Hi Jane, sorry to hear you still feeling unwell. How are you feeling about going to your counselling?
As you probably know, until a person takes responsibility for their drinking and wishes to do something about it, little will change. You doing well is not an excuse for whether he drinks or not. He cannot base his desire to quit drinking on the basis of how others are doing. He has to want to do it for him, for his own personal reasons and gain. It is a lie4 and you are not failing. Others may have told you you have failed in the past but it doesnt mean you did. Perhaps some of those people had their own agenda for trying to make you feel bad pershaps? Perhaps you could try and begin to challenge this old negative way of thinking for yourself as a first step, look for the evidence that says different, listen to the people around you reaching out and helping by offering what they can to support you, even if its with their words here in the forum?? What do you think about considering this?
@dancingRainbow45
I think it's a good idea I hope. I'm not sure where to turn. The counseling was difficult. I didn't feel well. She even asked me if I was suicidal how sad was I on a scale of 1-10. She doesn't do that every time.
I had to repeat myself about some past things. I thought she knew and would remember but it's not like I'm her whole world. She tells me I'm not crazy and that I feel bad because of my circumstances.
I'm not sure it matters. I'll never be whole. I never was. I thought this would be over by now.
On another note my spouse walked around the house with that damn gun stuck in the back of his pants for about an hour after he came home.
I take everything so personally. It bothers me. Why can't I just get over things? Maybe because when you add it all up it's too much.
@themainjane
The amount he drinks depends on you? Really, it sounds to me that he will always make you feel like a failure because HE is the one who chooses to drink or not. Historically he chooses to drink, history repeats itself, which means no matter what you do or don't do,HE is going to choose to drink. I wish you could see what a double bind he's trying to wrap around you be shaming you for HIS decisions.
While some changes happen quickly, many take months or years to fully take place. We still need courage to keep going and keep building our lives the day after the change and the day after that, too.
Keep going, keep building, even if I can only manage to move a millimetre or set a single brick (or even just hold firm and not fall apart). That's my goal this week. The journey has felt particularly difficult and painful and circular recently, today feeling especially rough.
Riding things out is testing my self kindness; disappointment lurks in the eaves as i try to keep myself from succumbing to old patterns (including inward withdrawal) to cope. It's still hard for me to reach out when I feel like I'm falling short. :(
@melliotm Every thing you do to keep going forward is an achievement. Every single time you hold firm and dont fall apart is an achievement. Every time you write here expressing how you feel, each time you share your story and each time you reach out to others when you need, is an achievement. It may not feel like much at the time, but added together its massive
Do you know what has you feeling so rough today? You mentioned it had felt particularly difficult recently. I wondered if there was a particular reason why you may be feeling this?
I hear that it feels hard to reach out when you perceive your falling short, even if others don't see that in you but just know we are here for you to sit alongside you, to give you a kick up the rear if needed lol to be that shoulder to lean on when the day feels tiring and rough. Never be afraid of reaching out here Mellio, even if it takes everything you have to do so. I hope you can begin to rely less on old patterns and begin to build new ones in your life
@dancingRainbow45 Do you know what has you feeling so rough today? You mentioned it had felt particularly difficult recently. I wondered if there was a particular reason why you may be feeling this?
My symptoms are especially acute lately. A lot of emotional flashbacks recently. Feelings that are provoked in nightmares carry over throughout the day and take root. Agoraphobia continues to hold me hostage, feel myself isolating and withdrawing. Just the thought of leaving the house -- leaving my room even -- now sets me on the edge of panic. I feel totally exposed and vulnerable and unsafe. I'm feeling more and more, remembering feelings, and it sucks. Which I suppose is my brain healing after suppressing so much for so long. Or crumbling. I honestly don't know any more. I wish I could explain it better. The desire to self harm in my old ways -- blackout drinking, taking drugs indiscriminately, restricting -- it's so palpable. I hate to admit that because it makes me feel like I'm failing, that hope only leads to disappointment, that I'm born to lose. On and on.
@melliotm Im sorry Mellio that lately you have been having a lot of emotional flashbacks and nightmares recently. It must feel hard on you with the agrophobia and I can only imagine how that must be so isolating for you. What help have you had if any to help you begin to address this? Feeling vulnerable and exposed may also be tapping into feelings you may have had at your time of trauma, when you were vulnerable and this exploited so it would be understandable for you to be feeling as you are currently.
The hard bit about healing from trauma is that it does mean we get put in touch with feelings we have been long suppressing and trying to blot out. And whilst the feelings can feel overwhelming, perhaps questionning at times if you are going to cope or make it through to the other side, you have survived the worst, and feelings themselves wont hurt you, wont harm you, its what we decide to do with our feelings that determines if we cope with them in healthy or destructive ways.
Your not failing and your not a disappointment at all. Look at what your trying to do with your life, you are trying to heal, you are trying to overcome the damage others have done. In my books, that makes you a warrior :)
I'm just so tired today. We learned about how it's made and then made our own whiskey today at the Jameson distillery in Dublin so that was pretty cool! And we went to the Brazen Head pub which was pretty cool. My phone was dead most of the day but I got a few pics of the distillery :)
@BeeLeigh MMmmm dont you just hate it when someone gives you half a story so I have had to put my detective skills to use LOL I am assuming young Bee you were talking about learning how Whiskey is made???? If so, sounds amazing experience. Perhaps you may get to see how Guiness is made which is a typical irish drink, full of iron!! Sounds like your having fun already but would be lovely to see your pics when you can share them. If you use imgur, if you copy the direct link you can post your picture using the image icon above. You can also change the size of the picture but if you dont know how thats fine we can help as Im sure we would love to see Dublin :)
I
@dancingRainbow45
Yeah we learned how four different types of Jameson are made, smelled a few things while blindfolded, tasted different things that are infused into the whiskeys, made our own whiskey using what we'd learned, and then we tasted some directly from a barrel as well. It was really cool! We also did the Guinness tour, but I'm really not a Guinness fan 😝, I do love Jameson though lol. We're doing Trinity College/Book of Kells tour and also Kilmainham Gaol today (since it's nearly 2am here🙃), so I'll try to get some pics of those :)
@BeeLeigh Sounds a really great day and perhaps try guiness with blackcurrent, takes the edge off the bitterness :) Sounds like your learning a lot already and having some fabulous experiences Perhaps you could create a memory box or memory book, full of pics and drawings, writings, tickets etc whatever it takes for you to be able to recall all this wonderful things your doing whilst in Dublin
@BeeLeigh
Fun, thank you for sharing your adventures.
@BeeLeigh oh wow, what a picture of art that is!!!!
I'm gonna steal a few pics off another person on our vacation since some people had functioning phones 😜
@BeeLeigh ah its the oldest pub!! with beautiful flowers too
@BeeLeigh Beautiful pictures and love that last one there. it looks an amazing place full of history
@dancingRainbow45
I really love how thought provoking you're threads are Rain. Thank you!!
I am actively combating my inner critic like a wack a mole game each time it comes up. Only the hammer is make of loving, compassionate self talk and examples of proof refuting it. Many times the critic is repeating old memes that others have said, but an equal number of times it's percieved flaws and failures that aren't even real. Ie "I'm a horrible or unloveable person." was never true, but I internalized it as true due to experiences.
Reaching out has been difficult. Each day I come here, where I can both give and receive help in such a powerful community of survivors has increased my feelings around safety in asking instead of isolating when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I don't have to pretend to be OK, but it's OK if I'm actually OK too and people want to hear that too. I like that and am grateful for 7cups.
I am able and usually do many things a day that bring me joy:
Coffee time, snuggle with the dogs, journal, practice harp, meditate, laugh, connect with family and do some kind of art, enjoy a nice midday cup of hot cider.
I am stepping into the unknown everyday. What gives me courage is that I've had a taste of how marvelous freedom from traumas of the past is. I know it's not only possible, but I've been there. I want to go back.
Mary
@MKJart You'll get there, Mary. Solidarity. X
@MKJart Thank you MK, I always try my best. I like to have fun too but find thought provoking posts often help to stir up thoughts in others too :)
Glad to hear how your actively trying to silence the inner critic lol Its so hard to undo or replace all those internalised messages. Very often people describe it as almost internalising the very people who said all those negative things and so its about deciding to kick those people out, and replace all the negative messages with positive, self affirming ones. Not easy to do at all because its like have to re-educate the brain but it can be done
I am so pleased that by being here in the trauma community, with others who can really appreciate your struggles as well as your triumphs that its beginning to help build on feelings of safety rather than you be alone with your feelings and thoughts - perhaps when we do our community video event which we would love everyone to take part in, this message could be one that could be shared for others to hear. We plan on doing a video on awareness around trauma issues and what it means to those who use our community to be part of the trauma family! we want to get people to do a little audio or video without compromising their identity where we can put all the submissions into one video We will be announcing this even soon.
Going back to what you said though, always try and reach out, even if its hard, rather than be on your own with all this. You can be however you need to be, and no one is going to try and change that. Im glad your here with us too
Snuggle with dogs is a very comforting thing to do having one of my own, as well as two cats and they are always there no matter what mood you may be in. There are lots of good things there you listed such as your harp music, laughter, mediatation, even a cup of hot cider lol
You have courage in bundles, even when you may not be able to see it. It is possible to overcome trauma. You cant change your past but it certainly doesnt have to be the case where it dominates your future. Choose to become who you wish to be and aim for that. ((((Hugz and safe one if you need)))))
@dancingRainbow45
Great post thanks Raine! Got me thinking about the cycles we get locked in to often, self defeating ,but we keep repeating them. They are the old familiar ways of coping and like the worn ourt slippers, they are comfortable and known, And when we become aware of this cycle and how it is limiting us, it takes courage to decide to change even one part of this cycle. I know this. To step out in the new slippers that aren't so comfortable and into the unknown. But one small change may make a big difference.
@rozie Absolutely, that one small change could be all the difference and lead to so much else. Its so easy to get locked into old patterns that become familiar, even comfortable but it can be terrifying to break out of them and to create new ones. But worth aiming for. Thank you
As I read this post I feel it describes parts of thoughts I cannot find a voice for. I come here for many reasons but I often feel like I'm failing because I am not doing so well and have nothing to give right now. I'm exhausted all the time. The struggle and past and current stress is enough to make me want to run, but I keep coming back but not sure what I'm looking for. Maybe I need support but I'm bad at this. My past makes this really hard. But I'm in this trauma therapy stuff on my own by my decision. No family members are aware of condition or that I'm seeking care. All the while I'm maintaining full time job and doctoral degree work. Good and bad news is I don't sleep well...but the exhaustion catches up at times. Currently this is where I am, slept 4 hrs last night. I have endless negative thoughts and flashbacks playing through my anxiety driven head until I suddenly sink into the full negative thoughts and can't function. This week I'm having to step up my game though bc I have to be ok- I don't see my T but I'm going to see someone who is probably the #1 trigger from my past and I have to pretend everything is ok. So, If you're so inclined, think about me the later half of the week.
@niceMoon4358
I shall be thinking about you. And lovely to make your acquaintance!
Sorry, I'm usually chattier, but it's late and I'm just heading to my bed. But wanted to show you my solidarity. Strength in numbers and all that :)
@niceMoon4358
I'll think about you the latter half of the week and wish you well.
A late Monday post here, but I am going to come by more regularly and try to figure out whether this a place for me to heal or not. Hmm, good Monday for me, the future hubby is a trooper, and actually the only person I trust in real life, as of right now. I still don't understand why anybody would want to take that away from me.
Hopefully that changes. Hopefully I can trust others once again.
@fearlessPear8268
A warm welcome you! Glad to hear your Monday has been good and that you have a special someone in your life who you can trust. Trust doesn't come easily. But we can gradually learn to trust in connections that are safe.
We're a friendly bunch who support each other in the good times and the bad times, laugh and cry together, and understand. Hoping you may want to join us.