Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Sunday 7th of October, 2018
Hi Trauma Fam,
Its a chilly Sunday for me, so Im bringing lots of snuggly blankets today! Tea and coffee making facilities are to the right, I stashed the hot choc behind the biscuit/cookie tin (shhhhhhhh dont tell everyone but help yourself).
We are going to look at another part of boundaries today, Im in my bravery blanket!
Consequences & Behaviours are probably the trickiest bit of boundaries. When we have had our boundaries ignored over and over it can feel like our power to set and maintain boundaries was either taken away or somehow never existed. This isnt the truth though, although abusers are happy for us to think that because it helps them to hold onto all of the power in a relationship.
There are 2 parts to maintaining our boundaries, the first is to decide on appropriate consequences if they are ignored.
Trespassing on other peoples property carries consequences. In the same way, we need to back up our boundaries with consequences. They let people know the seriousness of the trespass and the seriousness of our respect for ourselves.
For example, one of your boundaries is that you dont like to be shouted at. Say your family member is feeling frustrated and begins to shout, here are a couple of things that you could consider as a consequence response:
- Walk away, come back when they are calm and tell them that shouting is not ok for you. This option might be good if you are too triggered to work things through in that moment. It could also be that the other person is too upset to work though it in the moment too.
- Ask them why they are shouting. When they tell you the reason, i.e. they are frustrated, or hurt you can respond to their need but also reassert your boundary. E.g. I hear that you are feeling hurt and frustrated, I want to listen and work that through with you but it is not ok for you to shout at me. If you need some time to feel calm we can talk about it in a little while. Now you both have equal status and needs and the situation is neutralised.
The second is that behaviours also have consequences, and we may be tempted to rescue people from the natural consequences of their behaviour. Doing so, however, renders them powerless and hinders them from having a sense of control over their lives.
If we go back to the shouting scenario, say youve asked them what is wrong, and then the conversation becomes about how hurt they are. You can begin to try to soothing them before you have asserted your boundaries and what they had done to trespass them. This leaves them powerless because they might understand you didnt like them shouting, but we havent actually told them how we want to resolve the trespass. Next time they feel frustrated they still dont actually know how to tell us in a better way for us, and if we have soothed them rather than help them learn to sooth and regulate their own emotions, we may have unwittingly set up a pattern for the future that when they need soothing they shout.
I realise that there are a few things to think about here, I would love to know your thoughts. How else could you respond to this situation? What has or hasnt worked for you in the past? Is there something you are stuck on that we could help you to work through?
Not feeling this topic? Come say hi and snuggle up with a cuppa!
@InvaderStitch @redmark @Avaray @Shadeshack @BeeLeigh @Faeryschild @Lavendermoonlight @KLM3278 @jr50 @PhoenixPatronus @Morfo66 @raychascotch @KatieMoon1 @Tamba @Jenna0903 @melliotm @PanamaBanana @inventiveOrange1 @HearingYourHeart @TreesandWine @guyb @Sharkradio @MKjart @Lilyflower0817 @caterpillargirl @Survivetoalive @exuberantTriangle2562 @coraline23 @Ivorycat5573 @fearlessPear8268 @SemicolonSurvivor @weare1 @weareall1 @Annaka1 @moonchild95 @summernight69 @sheaintgotnoshoes @rationalWillow8882 @DeborahUK @AMusicalSilence @catsith @energeticPenny8 @Rebekahwriter13 @behindhazeleyes @sensitiveShade5337 @singercrystalspirit @wittyTree8219 @Ocendade @Rpjrx @Brooke12 @Axeman53 @kkSp3nc3 @Softforesthsp77 @AriannaPink @sereneSoul23 @promisemehope @IPreferWinter @Zombii @Godborned @Jessica86 @resourcefulPond1641 @Lilibuth12 @Tir @Michelle0608 @The_Final_Chapter @Halogen @BubblegumPuppy68 @ScarletPear1945 @CaloenasNicobarica @Hoxenos @Christine1980 @TheresaWilliams @Compassionatelistener108 @LovelyChantel @Pureriver56 @unassumingSummer6022 @Reedrainshimmer @resourcefulPond1642 @Kuma0187 @NonHoPaura @courageousNorth9872 @NacienteLuz @Helpfulsoul64 @TheHoneyDoll @Saif1for1Resilience @butters45 @purpleWest8143 @silverIceCream21 @Dandelionmoon @Bumblebee16 @consciousawakening @Shaiya365 @archerzvy @JJi @CopingwithTrauma @musicheals61 @disneynerd23 @Longday08 @sittinginahoneymoon @Quietbeach @loyalYard9488 @thatdramaticsoprano @understandingJackfruit9057 @amiableZebra3993 @Waterstreams057 @placidFriend3007 @AndreT @orchard9786 @sociableSailboat9634 @Calmlake1999 @emotionalMaple9419 @calmballoon3183 @disneynerd23 @MomRNFNP @Pdanziger @easymap6620 @MoreThanAConqueror18 @candyhaunt @namelessgirl99 @plumLake851 @streamoftears @quixoticRaven @Redhawk6547 @Sk1ttles @Shayc1 @Samdoc99 @Mikathewolfdog @Tacomytaco @stella17 @blinkk @PaperCrane1123 @Equalnotabove @felicia96 @CartoonDarling @Tayboi @Compassion21 @lilblackcat89 @ashes @selfdisciplinedTriangle5384 @amiableSummer3420 @FangsInsanity @Anj0806 @Spoonog @rissadawn @brokenflutterby @g00dwitch @No715 @SpruceRaven @tidyMoon3222 @helpfulHuman4992 @Djs3 @dynamicHemlock1736 @Hope3729 @hardworkingStrawberries3477 @courageousCake401 @humorousBeing8966 @NancySV1 @mysticPhoenix883 @oceanmom @gymnast9460 @Nonbinarywaffle7706 @Tbeth @felixfriend @Chels @8883ef @DaisyLion @forcefulSkies @spotthedot @courteousNorth5140 @Alcynically @ArianaMay @SB @affectionateNorth4018 @J12g34 @FloweringBunny @loyalDrum2337 @nolongerafraid @CaringBrit @Ambrosia @practicalIdeal2007
This is the official tag list king approved tag list, decreed hence forth to be the only tag list in existance (fingerscrossed)! ty Mellio
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Hi
I just want to sit with everyone. I don't want to do anything
@humorousBeing8966
You are always welcome to come join us and sit with us when ever you like 
Just saying hi and going to hide in the corner with a coffee if that
@crimsonLime6525
of course it's ok I can sit with you if you want some company?
@LifeIsMyCanvas I would like that
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Thank you for this topic. Boundaries are so very difficult for me. My response has been to isolate to avoid having my boundaries crossed.
I'm not having a good day at all. I feel alone and feel like I caused all the trouble on my life. I'm struggling everyday and some days wish this struggle was over permanently. I'm so tired of my brain.....
@affectionateNorth4018
Boundaries are super tricky when people haven't respected us. Isolating does sound lonely, do you think it could be worth trying to give boundaries another go? Maybe when you are having a better day
I'm sorry you are feeling alone and not havive a good day, you can sit here with us if you like? We have cookies and blankets and warm drinks.
hi, i'm new to the sub-community... growth path and all that, you know. typically, i don't have good boundaries with things that upset me, i tend to "share the pain"... i know it, and i'm working on it... i wasn't always this way, i sustained severe brain damage in 1990, and it took away a lot of my abilities, in many ways. i am still learning how to manage without the physical foundations for restraint and containment. i am using meditation and cognitive restructuring, as well as the Binaural Beats brain repair therapy (which has been a life-saver for me).
anyway, i like to post pictures, and hand out compliments, so likely that's what you'll get from me 
@GustyOne4U
Hey! Welcome to the trauma family
wow that is an awesome picture, I love all the flowers and the colours!
I think it's a good thing to share our pain, it is a good first step for letting go of pain and making space to receive the love and care from others 
@LifeIsMyCanvas
thank you, LifeIsMyCanvas~! (love the sign name~!) perhaps this forum has more to offer me than i realized~!
hey everyone incase youve been worried of where ive been been resting still with chronic pain so pass out alot but a new worry for my brother so been self caring alot to try ease the worries
@CaringBrit
hey Brit, good to see you. Sorry to hear you are in pain still, but I'm glad you are self caring too! Hope you feel better soon lovely
@LifeIsMyCanvas good to see you too hope your well also canvas
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Hi Canvas, how are you today?
Lately I tell people what my boundaries are, sometimes, and if they cross them I do nothing. I've realized it doesn't do any good to keep insisting that people respect me.
@practicalIdeal2007
hey ideal, good to see you
I agree that insisting people respect us doesn't work, we can't make people do things they don't want to do. We can insist on respecting ourselves though and if someone else doesn't respect us back then we are totally allowed to walk away!
@LifeIsMyCanvas
I am new today so I guess here i am.
I dont know what to say, I am so full of thoughts.
I feel like boundaries are a huge theme in my life with people and I have never been good at them.
Right now I guess i set one for myself.
Do not try to manage the social issues of others even if you cannot escape the social arena in which they are happening. Its ok to just manage yourself. Know that you are receptive of people emotions and try to remember that. People will appreciate you more if you just try to be the best you in the relationships that involve you.
If i dont manage myself than I will be failing in my one job in life, be the most best version of myself possible!
I will put as a side note here that any tidbits on how to manage the saddness from seeing your friends fight so i can get through till we can manage to resolve would be appreciated.
@RiverTamer102409
Hi River, welcome to our trauma family
Boundaries are definately tricky things that take practice. Not managing others social issues is a good way to keep a healthy emotional distance and focus on your needs! It's definately more rewarding to focus on the relationships you value and love.
I will have a think about managing sadness from friends that fight and come back and post if I find something that looks helpful, it's not a topic I have thought about before so I will research it first!
@RiverTamer102409
i have found your insights to be simply Terrific, River... i will post them by my computer, and resolve to do the same~
as for friends fighting, i have found great compassion and insight can come from 'conflict resolution', and would not deny that source of personal growth to anyone~!
(Compassion, to me, often involves allowing others to suffer so that they might grow and change. it does not mean to suffer with them, or for them, but only to support them during their suffering.)
@GustyOne4U
Well I am glad someone out there in the world can relate.
I am also glad that someone else out there is resolved to be the best version of themselves they can be!
Hi. Could someone sit with me? Feeling really alone today.
@RedHawk6547
Hi Red. We don't know each other that well, but I could really use someone to sit with too. I'll gladly sit with you.
Anything you want to talk about? Or just some company.
@RedHawk6547
Hey Red, sorry you are feeling a lone today. I'm so glad ideal was here to sit with you
I went a bit quiet for a bit as I was dissociating, sorry about that. I hope you are feeling better soon and I will leave a safe hug for you if that is something that you would like.
@RedHawk6547 i can join you if you want
@CaringBrit
You are welcome to come and sit with us.
My anxiety is through the roof right now. Like anxiety attack level.
It's canvas beauty sleep time *yawns*
Wow you guys always amaze me, am so blessed to see you all trying to move forward and supporting each other
Leaving pillows for my fellow sleepy heads 
@LifeIsMyCanvas
I hope you sleep well Canvas.
something to relax your mind's eye~
@GustyOne4U
That's pretty