Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in: Tuesday 11th September 2018
Hi Trauma Family,
I know we are all feeling hurt over those people who are no longer able to be here with us, or those that are no longer here in the same way. Todays topic is about grief and loss during a time of change.
Dealing with a change that brings loss is very hard for anyone, especially trauma survivors. If its the first time we have trusted in a long time, people changing or not being in our life in the same way can make us feel out of control or scared.
Some of the things that can cause loss during a time of change are:
★ Loss of a role – Sometimes our identity can become attached to a role, especially one that we are passionate about.
★ Changes in relationships – whether due to a role change or because someone isnt in our lives in the same way, its natural to grieve what we had before.
★ Sense of safety/security – Any preserved or actual change in how safe we feel internally or externally can cause us to grief the times we felt secure.
★ A sense of failure – Can often lead to feeling like weve lost hope or that our dream may not ever happen.
★ Loss of faith – this might be in an individual, and organisation or system, possibly even you faith in God or spiritual beliefs. Sometimes we might realise that someone or something is not what we thought it was, maybe because of an unmet expectation or any number of reasons.
Im sure there is more to this list and not all of us will feel all of them or even one of them in the same way. Grief also has stages, acceptance, processing the feelings such as anger, learning to adjust and then being able to move forward.
Everyone experiences these at different paces and in different ways and all of those are valid. I know it took me 11 years to begin process my feelings of loosing my Dad, I remember it being my wedding day rehearsal and realising he wouldnt be there to walk me down the isle. Any thing can trigger grief to reappear and I just want you all to know it is normal to grieve, and please dont compare yourselves to others. How long you grieve is not a reflection on how much you loved them.
What is something you need in your process? How can we support you?
If you don't want to talk about this today, pop in and say hi, I'd love to see you here 
Current taglist: @InvaderStitch @redmark @Avaray @Shadeshack @BeeLeigh @Faeryschild @Lavendermoonlight @KLM3278 @jr50 @PhoenixPatronus @Morfo66 @raychascotch @KatieMoon1 @Tamba @Jenna0903 @melliotm @PanamaBanana @inventiveOrange1 @HearingYourHeart @TreesandWine @guyb @Sharkradio @MKjart @Lilyflower0817 @caterpillargirl @Survivetoalive @exuberantTriangle2562 @coraline23 @Ivorycat5573 @fearlessPear8268 @SemicolonSurvivor @weare1 @weareall1 @Annaka1 @moonchild95 @summernight69 @sheaintgotnoshoes @rationalWillow8882 @DeborahUK @AMusicalSilence @catsith @energeticPenny8 @Rebekahwriter13 @behindhazeleyes @sensitiveShade5337 @singercrystalspirit @wittyTree8219 @Ocendade @Rpjrx @Brooke12 @tenacity37 @Axeman53 @kkSp3nc3 @blissedNblessed @Softforesthsp77 @AriannaPink @sereneSoul23 @promisemehope @IPreferWinter @Zombii @Godborned @Jessica86 @resourcefulPond1641 @Lilibuth12 @Tir @Michelle0608 @The_Final_Chapter @Halogen @BubblegumPuppy68 @ScarletPear1945 @CaloenasNicobarica @Hoxenos @Christine1980 @TheresaWilliams @Compassionatelistener108 @LovelyChantel @Pureriver56 @unassumingSummer6022 @Reedrainshimmer @resourcefulPond1642 @Kuma0187 @NonHoPaura @courageousNorth9872 @NacienteLuz @Helpfulsoul64 @TheHoneyDoll @Saif1for1Resilience @butters45 @purpleWest8143 @silverIceCream21 @Dandelionmoon @Bumblebee16 @consciousawakening @Shaiya365 @archerzvy @JJi @CopingwithTrauma @musicheals61 @disneynerd23 @ScarletPear1945 @Longday08 @sittinginahoneymoon @Quietbeach @loyalYard9488 @thatdramaticsoprano @understandingJackfruit9057 @amiableZebra3993 @Waterstreams057 @placidFriend3007 @AndreT @orchard9786 @sociableSailboat9634 @Calmlake1999 @emotionalMaple9419 @calmballoon3183 @disneynerd23 @MomRNFNP @Pdanziger @easymap6620 @MoreThanAConqueror18 @candyhaunt @namelessgirl99 @plumLake851 @streamoftears @quixoticRaven @Redhawk6547 @Sk1ttles @Shayc1 @Samdoc99 @Mikathewolfdog @Tacomytaco @stella17 @blinkk @PaperCrane1123 @Equalnotabove @felicia96 @CartoonDarling @Tayboi @Compassion21 @lilblackcat89 @ashes @selfdisciplinedTriangle5384 @amiableSummer3420 @FangsInsanity @Anj0806 @Spoonog @rissadawn @brokenflutterby @g00dwitch @No715 @SpruceRaven @tidyMoon3222 @helpfulHuman4992 @Djs3 @dynamicHemlock1736 @Hope3729 @hardworkingStrawberries3477 @courageousCake401 @humorousBeing8966 @NancySV1 @mysticPhoenix883 @oceanmom @gymnast9460 @Nonbinarywaffle7706 @Tbeth @felixfriend @Chels @8883ef @DaisyLion @forcefulSkies @spotthedot @courteousNorth5140 @Alcynically @ArianaMay @SB @affectionateNorth4018 @J12g34 @FloweringBunny @loyalDrum2337 @nolongerafraid @CaringBrit @Ambrosia
@LifeIsMyCanvas hey canvas ive said how im doing via my member account but anyway how are you feeling
@CaringBrit
honestly lol I've had a really rough day but thanks for asking
@LifeIsMyCanvas hugs iM here if you want to talk
The grieving process is the bit I dread after every new trauma. Knowing that even though I know the drill mentally, emotionally the emotional rollercoaster has already begun and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Logic cannot overrule the grieving process, and even support just helps speed it up. It still hurts just as much and you still feel it just as deeply.
I feel so swamped right now that I think I need a place to speak more than I care about the stability. I appreciate not everyone is the same. I think for me the support provided here is a branch on a tree I have built myself in my desperate struggle to keep going. So it hurts and it has unsettled me alot but the world has not ended. I work on the philosophy that noone will ever be 100% reliable so have as many backup options as possible!
I haven't had a migraine for 2 days now, feeling super happy about that :D I actually made it into work today!!! So that's a positive I thought I would share :).
Sorry for this more than slightly disjointed post. XD
@Lilibuth12
yay for no migraines, because those suck and are horribly dibilitating.
What you said makes a lot of sense, I think you are very realistic and measured about your response to grief. I agree that no one can be 100% there for us forever. Even those that love us deeply can't promise not to hurt us because they are human. I'm actually pretty suspicious about anyone who promises they wont hurt someone because it suggests to me that they don't have full insight into their limits or possibly have an intention in saying that.
It is really important to have a support system that is varied. We are all multi facited and no one person can totally fulfil all or our needs, nor should they. The more we are able to reach out to different people and test the waters, the more likely that we will find support in those really tough times. I'm really proud of you Lili, you show a lot of courage and wisdom
@LifeIsMyCanvas
I am really careful when I speak these days and correct it when people speak to me because you should never say you will always or never do something. That way of thinking is immature in my head because you never know what life will throw at you and what you and others are capable of in the right (or wrong) circumstances.
It's very important to me that my boyfriend thinks the same way as I could never trust someone who didn't. You need to be able to admit your flaws and acknowledge you are only human to earn my trust because denial is just another lie at the end of the day.
You can still trust someone and acknowledge they are not perfect, just you know they will try and do their best :) it's all you can ask for tbh :).
@Lilibuth12
Im glad you are using this as a place to speak and I hope we can offer some support helping you through the grieving prosess, thank you for using this space, for reaching out as you need
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Hey Canvas 
your topics really challenge me lol therefore I had to think about it for some time... and my thoughts still won't be that elaborated I think....
ok, so grieving and change.... I think there are a lot of things we are grieving about, doesn't have to be the loss of a person, actually we are going through the stages of grief about a lot of things all the time... so this morning I've told my girl, getting up in the morning, having to get up and leave the bed in the morning is like going through the stages of grief lol... without reading your post, soooo.... it's grieving day.... so, you wake up in the morning and you're like 'noooo!! I don't want to go up!', so denying.... you're arguing with your alarm, putting it on snooze for some times... you're sad about leaving your warm and comfy bad, sad to leave your dreams behind, sad to perhaps leave your loved one behind... you even might get angry cause you just have to get up, but just don't want to... but eventually you just accept it, you get up and make the best of the day... and I think that's just all we can do with every change... look at it, be sad, be angry, argue with it for a while, but in the end we gotta accept things we can't change and make the best of it... I think realy strength means to be able to accept things in our life we can't change and change the things we are able to change... and to know the difference, know when it's time to throw your hands in the air and just accept a situation.... and make the best of it... seeing sth positive in it...
ehmm, I think that's enough of unelaborated thoughts for today.... hope everybody has a good day
@courteousNorth5140
I was chuckling to myself reading that analogy because that is my hubby every morning lol 
It's a really good one tho, it is a bit like that... I like the unelaborated thoughts... ty for sharing them.
Also, are these topics too challenging? I want to get the right balance for you all
What is something you need in your process?
Issues I'm working through. . , health issues and no energy to work. Dealing with the death of my ex, family issues
I write and listen to music
How can we support you? Just listen and send encouragement.
@Rebekahwriter13
That sounds like a lot to process, please make time to look after yourself
@Rebekahwriter13
I hope the writing and the music help - seems like a lot going on at once
It's night time here and time for me to say goodbye for today. Thank you for letting me walk with you, and for sharing the wisdom and feelings on your hearts.
Have a sweet sleep
@LifeIsMyCanvas
I love that picture so much
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Hey all
Grief is an old thing to me I feel. I just grew up around a lot of death so my family and I are just use to it & we don't really talk about it. Sometimes I wish we did.
But I think the grief of things that aren't exactly people dying is interesting bc I feel I've had a lot of that too
There's a kind of grief for things you never had maybe? Like 1 example i never really got to know some of my family Or things I wish I could have done so things didn't happen
With my eating disorder and OCD I'm constantly thinking of what I look like
There's been too many times where I'm staring at my body, realizing what I've done to myself and how small it is and I'm so sorry about it
With that I kinda just lost part of myself which I realize now was the goal bc I blamed myself for trauma and wanted to fade away
I grieve for our dogs life because my father abused him & I wish I protected him and made him a better life
I grieve for me and my mom and my sister even though we are all alive. I've seen my mom damaged by my father mentally and emotionally till she's an unrecognizable shell of a person and I wish all the time to see the real old her, happy and goofy and free
She's getting some of that back now.
My sister and I have gone through so much and I just miss us. I miss not being afraid and how trusting and loving I once was.
Since I was sexually assaulted and found out it would be almost impossible for me to bear children I never trusted anyone. I thought I couldn't have love partially to protect myself.
But I am so loving. I miss when I wasn't afraid of that.
And even a part of me grieves for my father because I know once, he too was just a boy. An abused neglected little boy and if he had a different life maybe I could trust him now
I also grieve for the land where I live a lot because it's been destroyed and polluted so much it hurts my heart.
There also where some friends I thought I would never see again, 1 in another continent and 1 in another city. But I have been able to see them both and know they are okay and safe.
So now i guess i should admit what im worried about losing today; my friend. I know I shouldn't be but alas the urgency that is high school romance. I love him as a friend & I wouldn't mind dating him, as everyone says he wants to do with me (idk if these assumptions are true). So we talk often and show eachother art we make and I showed him some things I care about, as well as I finally wore a lot of makeup to school because I think I look beautiful and Its fun to do and it's worrisome drawing attention to myself but I did it (also bc this is my last year here what the heck) it was good like I looked amazing tbh
But he's just hardly talked to me since. Now he's not talking to me at all. I know it's only been a short time but in like dude? What happened?
I know hes probably busy or if he really doesn't value me or like me anymore then he's not worth my time
But I think in terms of losing something I don't want to lose him as a friend or anything. Ughh
That was long, hope everyone is ok!💜
@LifeIsMyCanvas
I havent really started my grieving process of the loss of my childhood, my innocence, abusive relationships, miscarriages, trauma after trauma, but I just suddenly loss my grandmother! It has been really hard because I lost the one person that has been keeping me together. She was my rock and I dont know how a can live without her.
@fairmindedFriend3493
Thats a lot of loss, Friend. Im so so sorry. And then your beloved grandmother on top of it all. She seems to be a very important person in your life, loosing your rock and anchor like that is devastating. I hope that with time the loss will feel easier to bear and that you can still carry with you her godness and kindness and everything she ment for you. But for now I hope that you can take the time you need for grieving your loss and letting out the emotions you need to let out, sadness, hurt, anger, frustration.
@LoveFromSara
Thanks, I cant grieve nor your loss nor release the emotions I need to let out. Im just dont know how to do so!
@LifeIsMyCanvas
im sorry about ur dad may u find comfort in ur heart when u have those bad days as this past Sunday was 6 years since I lost my dad and its still hard for me to even begin to learn how to accept it I never felt so alone and lost and now Im worse after loosing my sons dad 6 months ago the pain the confusion hurt the anger that has over come me after he died crazy because this man is the reason y Im the way I am and why I come here crazy I feel like I live in more fear now than when he was alive n with out my dad here to support me or encourage me I just find myself lil by lil shutting down grief is the biggest challenge I deal with daily 😭
I dont like allthe change. It feels like everything's falling apart. Ive veen self harming a lot recently all the thoughts are just overwhelming.
@Npepsicola - Change is definitely hard and scary sometimes, and I know it will take time to feel okay about things, but I'm glad that you're reaching out here. Do you think that talking more about those feelings might help? What do you think might be another option when you're feeling the urge to self harm?
@Anomalia
I guess im just at a point where i dont know which thoughts in my head are true and which are lies. Sorting that out is so confusing. Theres so many thoughts and i know im not supposed to listen to all of them but its exhausting sorting through and knowing what thoughts i can trust and which ones i cant. And when you cant trust your own thoughts what can you trust? Self harming is just an outlet for that for me i guess. But i dont want to do it anymore, it just feels like i dont know how to stop. I think if i could manage whats going inside my head a little better it woulnt be so hard to stop.
@Npepsicola - that makes sense that not knowing what thoughts are true or lies makes it harder. So maybe we can think of some ideas to help sort that out. If you're having a hard time trusting your own thoughts, is there anyone who you trust to help you work through them? If not, is there another way that you could approach them?
For instance, sometimes I think about if I applied the thought to someone else, would I agree with it (as an example, when I was struggling with an eating disorder, I might think "I'm not sick enough to get help", but if I thought about what I would want a friend to do if she was in the same place, I would think she deserved help - so that told me the thought was probably a lie). Could that help here?
Another strategy could be challenging the thoughts to test them. What evidence is there that something is true? What evidence is there that it might not be? Is there information that is missing that means you can't know that something is true?
One other option could be trying to express them in a new way - writing down what you're thinking and reading it later, trying to draw something to represent your feelings, finding music that can express it, etc. Sometimes a different medium can help find some clarity that's tough to get when it's just inside your head.
Do you think any of those approaches might help?
@Anomalia
Those are really good ideas, thank you. I think writing them down might be helpful. Maybe i can let my therapist read them next week. Its hard thinking rationally right now, so i dont really trust myself to be able to sort through them on my own. But i think it will be good to have someone else read them. Its all really confusing right now.
@Npepsicola - I know it's confusing right now, and I like the idea of writing it down and sharing it with your therapist. And if you need someone else to talk to, I'm here. And if you want a hug, my arms are open.