Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Tuesday 20th March 2018

@rozie

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@rozie

I think I'm still going through trauma. I feel confused, and lost. I don't know my direction. I feel I can't prioritize healing, because I have to prioritize an income, even in a way that hurts me. But this was the cause of some of my trauma in the first place -- work and income being in their improper place somehow. I'm very confused, and not quite sure whether I'm being re-traumatized.

Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe I have nothing big to heal from anymore. Maybe this is just life. Maybe even though I'm not happy and I've been depressed, I'm still healed from my trauma. I don't know. My anxiety is still really high, so there's probably still something to heal. I just wish I hadn't taken a wrong step somewhere on my journey. Or I wish I'd been able to see how to get back on the right path.

Rozie

How great that writing was.You are right people like to try and fix other people instead of supporting them. I hope I am not HUMPTY DUMPTY who could not be put back together again

@rozie - That is one of my favorite Winnie the Pooh quotes. Another is:

"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. -- A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

It's the morning so I can't vouch for how the rest of the day will go. But right now, in this moment, things are okay. I embrace this one moment. I have told my spouse to help me specifically, if I seem to be having a depressive episode, anxiety attack, or otherwise just freaking out. Now he gently reminds me to breathe. He gives me hugs too, but he asks if he can first, because sometimes I do not want to accept a hug even when I am deeply sorrowful. Oh trauma brain - it wants love but doesn't want to accept it simultaneously. But I'm not the responsibility of my spouse. I have to figure out how to remind myself of coping techniques without him, give the poor guy a break as he is also dealing with his own mental and physical struggles. One day at a time.

@rozie

Hello rozie,

I don't think I've ever experienced someone trying to fix me ... or maybe I did. I never liked or knew how to ask for help.

I'm stuck in a perpetual loop of unproductivity. I think I always had it. Now I have reasons for it and it's gotten worse. Am I just going to end up with more trouble?

Tomorrow I'll do better?

@rozie

I'm having a really tough time at the moment. Not able to get much sleep and back problems again that are making me feel quite disabled and unable to care for my baby as Id like to (or at least unable to enjoy doing so because of the pain I have to push through). My husband is away this week so I'm basically single parenting this week, and also being on my own is really stressful for me because of so many fears about being alone (especially at night).

I like what you wrote though, that we need to allow our feelings to pass through as they do like water passes through a river. it's a beautiful imagery.

I hope you're doing okay <3

@rozie My day was suprisingly good. I recovered from my emotional flashback last night quicker than possible and was able to enjoy most of the day.

I often wished my parents understood what you've written above. They don't want my trauma to keep me back, but they can not understand, that in order to work through the trauma, I need to be able to grieve and that sometimes this is a pretty ugly prozess. I don't expect them to understand. They've never been through anything like that. They really do try their best. I just wished, they would allow my healing to be ugly too. I wished I was allowed to have bad days and I wish they understood that.

@rozie Today was pretty stressful :(

I talked to my new Therapist and she is so sweet. She apologized to me for having not replied to me. So far she has had no issue with the way I respond to her and she listens and comprehends what I am saying. So far she has been very supportive.