Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Tuesday 29th May 2018
Hello lovely Trauma family
Today I'm going to talk about tears and try to normalise tears and gref as a very necessary part of recovery and healing. How often do we feel a sadness? How often do we feel the tears well up? and then the tears flow.. tears of sorrow, tears of release, tears of healing.
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messages of overwhelming grief. of deep contrition ,and of unspeakable love." Washington Irving.
When one consider tears and grief, its about mourning for losses.And we more usually connect this with a death of a loved one, or the loss of health, a career, a pet. However there a soul ache in those who have been through trauma, for the losses that have come through this. Pete Walker, author of "Complex CPTSD : From Surviving to Thriving" says that survivors grieve for many painful death-like losses caused by childhood trauma. like the loss of safety and belonging. the loss of having early attachment needs met. So in allowing the tears and grieving we are able to mourn for what was lost to us in our childhoods and through the trauma we went through. Its okay to cry. And to be comforted..... (to be contd)
How is your day going ? How do you see grieving in relation to recovery and healing trauma? Or pop in to say hi! You're welcome here. This is your space and a safe place. x
@rozie
Hi Rozie, it's almost bed time here. i reckon i'll find that book though
@Tenacity37
Yes I can recommend this book... as one review said it was "an eye opener and a game changer."
Hoping you have a good day with those kidlets. x
@rozie
I still don't understand crying. I sometimes feel the need but I simply can't cry. I get mad at myself if I allow it.
But if I understand why I feel the need to cry, and I agree with it, then I am starting to let go a little bit. I have some tears then.
That is a little progress I am making.
@rozie
hi rozie... I think this a very important topic, I think many of us are having a hard time with allowing themselves to grief, to cry about the things taken from us... well, I guess I‘m crying a lot, most of the time I have a balance somehow, I‘m laughing as much as I cry, sometimes I loose that balance and forget to laugh, hm, never lost the balance to the other direction and forgot to cry though... I guess alltogether I‘m just very emotional and bad at controlling my emotions... well, I‘m able to be under control as long as I‘m in public or with others, most of the time, but break down as soon as I‘m alone... I have no idea if that ever will change, it‘s just a part of me... hope you all are having a good day 💕
@courteousNorth5140
It is funny that you would say of yourself that you don't handle emotions well because that is wat I say too about myself and I am completely the opposite.
I wish I had more of your ability to express emotions.
This reminds me of the green grass at the neighbours'.
@MaschaV
You might be right about the greener grass of the neighbours... I think insecurity has a lot of faces, some are outwardly insecure, like me, some seem to be strong but break inside... I guess we're just not really ok with how we are and that's sth we have to learn, accept ourselves like we are, change things we are able to change and just accept the rest... I just think there isn't a wrong or a right about handling emotions, just different ways... Well, I can't say I'm happy with how I am, there are things I'd like to work on, but there are some things I can't change cause they're just part of my personality... Thanks for your reply 💕
@rozie
I started to read parts of that book awhile back.
I try to hide my tears and wait to everyone is away or lock myself in toliets. I punish myself if i cry. Which happening alot lately. Embrassing to admit if honest.
When i see others adults cry i feel uneasy like wat i do but i can manage to go ok lets comfort them or just sit with them. Though when i see i little little child cry it totally ok snd il gjo make sure they ok and how i can comfort them.
@honestLand773
I do that too, I can't allow myself to cry. Probably not that weird, you are not the only one and neither am I. Thanks for sharing.
I am learning, does not always work, to think about why I feel the need to cry. If I can understand it then I can let go a little bit. If I don't understand, or I don't agree with the feeling I will push it away. It gets a little bit easier every time.
It's easier with kids although to me it soon looks like whining and I don't handle that well. With adults I can get frustrated and judgemental if I am not careful.
@MaschaV
Does it get easier to cope qith tears. Does.nything get easy is it just words..
@honestLand773
Yes you are not alone in this. We often hide our tears and its only gradually that we find it can be okay with someone who is safe and comforting. Just as you are able to comfort others. I agree its different with litle children.. they just cry naturally and we respond. How did you find the book? Be patient..its little by little. x
@rozie
I didnt read alot of it but im more practical doing things than talking. So therapist gave me bits out of it to read to try to help me understand wat ptsd and complex is ect.
t really is little by little. Keep being reminded of smal l steps. I made it out of house other day and someone random literally shouted to some one else small steps. It ws like my friend was there it her fav phrase to say to me at minute wen having episodes.
Is it wrong to block listeners. I had a couple yesterday that inappropriate convo to mme. One even said doing stuff would help me move on. Hasnt helped me today been really bad. But i dont like gettin ppl into trouble so i just said perfer not to say one.sorry
Im so confused about emotions , for so long i have been told that emotions are wrong and should be hidden .
now being in an environment thats meant to be ‘safe Im told to let my emotions and bottle them up.
i just really want to scream and say l feel like an alien in a world that I have no understanding of.
im not sure Im brave enough to be free.
‘Is it so wrong to beg to go home , l just want to go back to what l know even if its awful .
@sincereJar9515
Life is confusing. That is true. We all struggle to make sense of things that have happened or even happen now. I sure don't have all the answers. Crying is supposed to be good for you. I am no expert but I am finding it helpful sometimes. It reduces stress.
I don't know if going back is the best thing to do, I don't know what your situation is. But I understand that you feel the need for something familiar. A sense of safety even if it is not literaly safe. That is not wrong. Don't beat yourself up over feelings. That is not helpful.
Do you have a counselor that you can talk to and find out together where that need comes from and if there are better options maybe?
@MaschaV
l know going back is not an answer, l have nothing to go back too.
I am meant to be getting hooked up with a counsellor , in the mean time l have a social worker. My problem is l dont talk , they visit and l just stir at them , maybe Im trying to work out if its okay to trust, l dont know.
I really just want to hide , if I dont use my voice then its not my reality .
l thought being free would bring so much relief , but in reality its made me even more frightened.
l understood being hurt , l grew to expect it and knew the feelings.
This new world lm in l have no idea about.
@sincereJar9515
Not knowing what to expect CAN be frightening when one has trauma in their past. I suppose with "home" that you have referred to, it may have been a bad situation but you probably knew what to expect and that is what you are referring to? I haven't been in checkins much lately so I'm not aware of your situation (and you don't need to say anything here you don't want to either ; ) ) - building up a relationship with new professionals can also take some time understandably.
How would feel about talking to the social worker about what you've said here? Maybe there are ways that they could help in making your day or environment more predictable for you right now...
@purpleWest8143
Im scared that by talking people will realize what a disgusting and horrid person l am .
Its turning everything on its head and doing everything that was forbidden , everything was a secret and now people in aurthority expect me to tell them everything.
Im sorry l dont make much sense
@sincereJar9515
Oh yes you are making complete sense! There is nothing about you that comes accross as disgusting!
You are awesome! You are just having a hard time. Sh*t happens.
I don't think you have to tell them everything, tell them what you can. And want. If they are any good they will understand.
if you want it.
@sincereJar9515
I know you are scared but that is ok. By talking to people that is one way of processing what happend to you and please realize you are not disguesting and horrid they are for what they did to you. Nothing was your fault. You are a great kid and they should never have done this stuff to you at all. Now nothing is a secret and yes those in authority are just wanting you to talk about things to document things for the judge.
@sincereJar9515
You deserve so much better my friend!
Sounds like you already made some hard but good decissions, good for you! It is hard now, I believe you. But it well get better, believe me too.
@sincereJar9515
Hey sorry this might not be helpful.
I dont talk either im beginning to do little bits now like the weather. Talkin was To big off step id kept all this stuff insde and they wanted me to tell them. Talkin for me made it real and unbearable. Wasnt gonna happen.
So i made it littler steps. at start i didnt speak it was just learning to be in a closed room with them without walkin out. Silence for weeks. Her staring at me made it worse so we both then coloured in from colouring books each week.
Next for me at minute is to write to her. Just little things. I choose wat i want to tell her most of time at start its just how i felt out of 10. Or she writes questions i dont have to answer them but if there one i think i can them i challenge myself to answer with at least 2 words. Talking was to big of step so i looked at little little ones to hopefully aid me in getting to the bigger step of talking. But i focus on little ones not the big
if there one step too big like talkin is there any little tiny steps to try instead.
Sorry if not helpful.
Keep going.. it will be hard not gonna lie but there are ppl here cheering u on. Even on the bad days.
@honestLand773
Thank you for sharing this with us. I think its helpful as your experience reinforces thats its little by little, and if the step is too big, go to a smaller one. Makes good sense. Hoping it continues to go well for you. x
@honestLand773
Thankyou , it helps a lot .
just knowing Im not alone with my silence , I wasnt allowed to speak for myself and if I did have to it was only to answer a direct question.
it feels really really strange hearing my own voice , it scares me.
i draw rather than speak , my pencil is my voice.
i just hope I gain the skills l need to be a normal member of society .
Thankyou for caring enough to write to me .
@sincereJar9515
Your more than welcome.
U are defo not alone if you ever need remindin of that just come on here.
Love that you find a voice through a pencil and drawings. Think thats an amazing talent. One day u might even help others thru their journey thru ur drawings. Keep that pencil flowing. :)
everyone in society is broken and on a journey. We all hide behind masks and we all express find our voice through different things which is great because it means we all bit quirky and no one is normal. Some are just little further than others in there journeys. You will find your way each step or drawing at a time.x
@sincereJar9515
Drawing is and awesome coping skill. I draw and color to help me with things. You will gain the skills you need to be a normal member of society. It will just take some time a little each day but you will get there.
@sincereJar9515
I am so glad your social worker has been there helping you out with things. I know trust is a very big thing. I know you are still trying to figure out who you can trust and who you can't trust. Maybe you can just open up a little each day? I know hiding is a protective thing and very safe but we also need to not hold things in and slowly get that that stuff out and process the stuff that happend and the feelings that we have. Over time it will get better. I know the world is a big place and frightening but hoping each day and week will get a little easier for you. I don't want you to ever have to understand befing hurt or expect that feeling again. You can ask me any questions about this new world that you are now living any time that you would like to.
@sincereJar9515
Emotions are meant to be expressive. It is ok to show your emotions any time you need to and not to hold them in and bottle them in. You are in a safe world now that you are free from your parents and I am so very proad of you to escape that world of hurt and abuse that you were in. I do know how you feel that sometimes you aren't sure what to say or do but I am here for you and always will be here for you. I care a lot about you and want to help you any way that I can. I know you are very brave on what you have been doing and I know you are brave enough to be free. I do not want you to go home at all becase you don't need to be in that abusive life anymore. You need to be around caring people that want to help you and protect you.
@rozie
Hi rozie, thank you for starting this discussion.
I very rarely cry, to the point where I can vividly remember the instances that have caused me to break down. It's always been after a long period of particularly high stress or pain. I've worked with people who can produce single, solitary tears and it's quite moving. But crying for me has always been a case of floodgates. It's the moment when I stop being able to hold back everything that I'm feeling, and it takes over my entire body. And part of me is ashamed of it, like it's a sign of weakness.
I'm struggling a little bit at the moment. We've had a long weekend here in the UK and it's left me with time alone with my thoughts, which at the moment isn't a very nice place to be. I hope everyone is faring a little bit better than I am. x
@Roslyn992
Sorry to hear its being a bit of a struggle for you.. long weekends and holidays can be difficult times. Hoping as the week goes on it gets a little better.. one day at a time. We're here with you. x
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Slightly dreading therapy right now. Sitting in the waiting room.
@BeeLeigh
Thinking of you Bee... just breathe and stay present. you're gonna be okay. x
@rozie
Dear rozie and all,
Today I feel frustrated and want to give up. Why can't life be easier. Why can't I live in a warm, connected, caring community of people that I feel a part of and where I feel valued. Why can't my needs be provided for. I am crying. I don't want to be all on my own any more.
- Singer
@singercrystalspirit
If ya wanna move up by Chicago you can come hang out with me! 😉💜
@BeeLeigh
Awwwww 
*sniffs* Maybe I will, hell I don't know why I can't find anywhere I belong *cries*
@singercrystalspirit
I have honestly never truly felt at home anywhere, but I do feel that way here 😊💜
Ive not ever posted on a blog like this. I dont know if I need trigger warnings so hopefully someone will tell me if I should have. I have c-ptsd but from trauma that was unrelated to my family. My feelings are so intense today and I feel so alone. I keep everyone at an arms length to prevent being hurt. I work double time to keep busy. I hide the pain and suffering from everyone in my life. Very few even know I have any sort of mental illness. Most days I eventually convince myself that Im just not trying to get better hard enough or that Ill never get there so why even try. Today Im just counting the minutes until I can go to sleep. Maybe tonight Ill get a few hours of sleep before the night terrors set in.
