Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Tuesday 3rd April 2018
Hello lovely "trauma family"
Thinking about fences... from the window I can see five wire fences that separate one paddock from another... paddocks of different shapes and sizes but boundaries all marked by fences. Our neighbour is a dairy farmer and he moves his herd of cows from one paddock to the next..The fences enable him to do this, to manage the grass growth and feed for the cows.Then the fences also keep the herd safe.. they are not out on the road or in the drains. We have one paddock and three calves who have safety and security within their paddock. When there was a hole in the fence we had one escapee calf called Bernie. He would join the herd, get a free feed, go down to the milking shed with the herd and come back again.I'm sure he thought he was on a big adventure, reality was anything could have happened.. he could have got lost or unintentionally injured by the cows So Bernie was brought home! The break in the fence mended, and he learned to live within the boundaries that the fences provided.
So fences lead me on to boundaries.. you know about boundaries..A healthy boundary is to protect and take care of you. A boundary is a limit or space between you and the other person, a clear place where you begin and the other person ends. Healthy boundaries serve to establish one's identity...( to be continued next week)
How is your day going? Any reflections on boundaries? Or pop in to say hi! You're welcome here. this is your space and a safe place.x
@rozie
i've been putting in boundaries for a while now and people keep kicking up against them and it leaves me feeling like crap, they walk all over them and i'm assertive and i say it's not ok, but it doesn't change their behaviour.
it hurts when they do this.
@Tenacity37
The unfortunate and frustrating part is you can't change other people's behavior or control there reactions and feelings. I say this fully aware that I myself still haven't accepted this.
It sucks when you realize others don't respect your feelings and space.
The one thing I will say is I honestly really admire the fact you can set boundaries at all. Expressing how you feel, setting limits and being assertive takes a remarkable amount of courage and strength that not everyone has myself included.
@rozie
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Woke up to find that all my user settings had been changed without my permission -- animal icon was turned on, Noni check in was enabled, and (most distressingly) data sharing for research was allowed (which I am NOT cool with AT ALL). I presume this was caused by a bug, perhaps due in some way to yesterday's scheduled maintenance, but am rather vexed (to say the very least) that I have to begin the day by adjusting my settings back to original preferences. Anyway, be sure to check your user settings, folks -- judging by the number of animal icons that are now visible among users who had previously disabled the feature, I'm not the only one impacted by this.
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Hey Rozie✋✋
Talking about boundaries WoW. Good topic. For me, I think I have some major issues in setting good boundaries for my self. I try to set some but they seem to get plowed down or overran, then I get mad at myself and them. I could really use some help on healthy boundaries
@scarletPear1945 I think part of setting good boundaries is not allowing people to trample all over them and saying no, this is not acceptable, this is not okay for you to treat me this way and enforcing that. That can be hard to do when you have little self belief or find it hard to be assertive or feel you have a sense of value or worth.
I have a bad problem of setting boundaries and then letting people cross them, and I also often cross the boundaries I set. I know I'm doing it, and I don't want to cross them/betray myself, but I do anyway.
@rozie Good afternoon Rozie 
Hope your doing well today. Boundaries is an important topic and especially for Trauma survivors and they exist in every relationship we have with one another, with friends, with families etc But when boundaries with trauma survivors have either not existed, been trampled on or been violated and/or unsafe it can be hard to learn as adults about safe boundaries and even when safe people try to place boundaries upon us it can often end up to some survivors as feeling unsafe, uncared for etc. But the reality is, boundaries can help us to feel safe and cared for and protected. It says what is okay for both parties. It shows mutual respect and care for both people concerned. Boundaries provide a safe space for the delicate balancing of vulnerability, risk and power in any relationship but especially those where the relationship is unequal in the sense that one person is in a helping role eg social worker, doctor, counselling, listener, therapist etc
We all have less rigid even funny boundaries and rules too in our lives such as who picks up the dinner on the way home from work or who takes out the trash in the morning. Boundaries are all around us even if we dont even realise. Its about what is okay and what isnt within our relationships with others, some however are seen are more important than others.
@Rain45
Hi Rain! and thank you . I think your words highight what we are talking about here...... "But the reality is, boundaries can help us to feel safe and cared for and prorected. It says what is okay for both parties."
Hope your day went well for you. x
@rozie
Im really struggling with boundaries.. No matter how many times I try to assert myself and put boundaries in place I don't get listened to. The boundaries get trampled over. Its exhausting and making it hard to believe I am worth standing up for myself at this stage 
@calmLake1999 Thats sad to hear Calm that you feel you dont get listened to. What do you feel prevents others from listening to you and do you think perhaps it may be a case more of the people not listening may not be interested in listening because they are more interested in meeting their own needs than others? Sometimes its not always a case of not having asserted ourselves, sometimes it could also be a case that even if we do that, we are surrounded by those who no matter what choose not to hear and so over time it may be needed that we choose different people in our lives who value us and who do listen?
@Rain45
I'm not sure why when I try to assert myself, or make my voice heard it just gets ignored or I make the situations worse. I am trying to maintain boundaries however needing help at the same time.
@rozie
I'm struggling a lot with setting boundaries, I guess cause I want to meet everybody's expectations, don't want to dissapoint or burden anybody... it's the same as the problem of saying 'No'... My insecurities are getting in my way... I'm trying to work on it, but it's really exhausting to fight my inner voice all the time...
Hope you're all having a nice and sunny day 💕
@courteousNorth5140 hey hey. I understand it can be very difficult to stick with boundaries, just as saying no. And its something we cant learn overnight :(
It takes time, but you will get there. Fighting your inner voice to always meet everybodys expectations can be really frustrating and tired.
But never stop working on it and dont give up - then you ll get to your goal!!
And on the way to your goal, you have us, the trauma family, to support you and to help you through difficult times.
I wish you a great day and take care! <3
@Hope3729
Thank you so much 😊 yeah I am working on it.. it starts with sometimes just doing what I like to do, no matter what anybody else wants to do...sounds like sth totally natural and easy to do, but well, most of the time I end up just waiting for anybody to say what they want to do, instead of just initiating anything myself....
But just like you, I've went running today 😊 that always makes me feel a bit better 💕
And thank you so much for being there, all of you, I can't even say how much that means to me 💕🐇
Hey hey hey <3
I ve been putting boundaries and setting limits for some months now and of course people tried to break them, but i always sticked to them.
I have limits and i think its important to have limits and to set boundaries :)
My day is going fantastic. Did some jogging today in the sun ( its so warm here you can wear t-shirts!!) and spend time with my best friend.
@rozie how are you doing? how is your day?
Take care everyone 
@Hope3729
Hey Hope! I'm doing well and its a warm sunny autumn day here. Glad to hera your day's fantastic... enjoy!
Good for you to be setting boundaries and limits. It is important and necessary. And as you say others break them,and it can be diffiicult when they dont respect our boundaries. But continuing to know that we have the right to set our boundaries and at the same repect the boundaries of others makes for healthy relationships.x
Hi All,
I have a history of ignoring my boundaries in the past and getting hurt as a result. Now I feel like I overcompensate and have difficulty letting anyone in. It can get to be a sore point between my husband and I some times.
Feels like I forgot to put a gate in my paddock.
@Alcynically HI, thank you so much for checking in and sharing your experience. I think we all have setbacks related to boundaries and it is okay. We can learn from our experience, and all deserve the happy relationships. It's truly understandable that you're feeling like keeping your boundaries too hard, especially after you got hurted. I hope you would find some comforts out of your life and wish you the very best.
@Alcynically
Hi! good to have you here with us.I think you make a very good point... initially when we set boundaries we may overcompensate.. go too far in the other direction... and forget the gate in the paddock. But gradually as we become more comfortable and used to setting healthy boundaries, we find we don't need to do this any more. Hope your day goes well. x
@rozie
I'm hoping that's the case! I feel really lucky that my husband is as understanding as he is, but it's definitely not easy work.
Thanks for the positive vibes :)
@rozie
Hey,
I didn't have such a great day until now. I didn't sleep well. Had weird dreams. So I'm in a really strange mood today. I don't feel motivated to do much stuff. I mean, at least I wrote this important mail to the university - that counts as something, right??
About boundaries: I find it difficult to set healthy ones. As long as everything is going fine I loosen them up until I get hurt, then I set really strict boundaries for like a month or so and then they loosen up again. I guess I need to practice that.
@sincerePark336 Hey Park Im sorry to hear that your sleep and for much of your day it wasnt so good for you. Not feeling motivated can be difficult especially if you know things need doing. But if you managed to achieve one thing such as getting that mail done, thats important to be counted! It sounds from your post that you have a hard time finding that happy balance of having boundaries in place where you dont swing from one end of the spectrum to the other. How do you think you could begin to learn on the experiences of going from one end to the other to find that happy medium for yourself?
@Rain45 I'm not quite sure yet. At the moment I'm trying to encourage myself to say "No" more often and especially when I realise that I'm only saying "Yes" in order to please people. I think that this might be kind of a start.
