Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in: Wednesday October 3rd 2018
Hi Trauma Fam,
Yep you guessed it! We are going to look at another chunk of our boundaries topic!
Today we are going to look at Words and how we can create boundaries with them. Some of the things we need to have boundaries to protect us from are: control, bullying, pressure, demands, and needs of others.
Having someone try to control us, or us trying to control a situation or another person is unhealthy and can lead to abuse. In an ideal scenario each person should be able to define a way of being, or agree on a course of action that allows each person to be himself or herself. The key is not to do this at the expense of causing another person to be unable to be himself or herself. Words can be used to state what each persons boundaries are and then to negotiate a way to meet them in a way that suits each person involved.
There are a few things that might happen if we havent got this balance right for us:
- We might say yes to things but inside we can feel resentful towards the other person.
- We might be passively compliant.
- We might not know what is our need or the other persons need.
- We might be unable to say what we like or know who we are.
- We might get angry and push others away in frustration or because their closeness to us feels unsafe.
The simplest boundary setting word is NO
What are some other words we can use for boundaries?
Have you experienced not having the right balance?
Not ready for this topic today? That's ok, come and say Hi and have a doughnut 
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Boundaries are a challenge. I really never say no to anyone about anything. It just feels vulnerable. But its also exhausting, never saying no to anyone. After so many times of saying no and having that boundary crossed anyways, i guess what is the point of even saying it. It feels sad to say, but i dont know how to change that in my head. I dont know what boundaries to have or how i keep people from crossing them.
@Npepsicola boundaries are indeed extremly tough to do or even keep what is one thing you could do today to push back and try keep something as a boundary
@Npepsicola
I understand what you mean, I'm having a hard time with saying 'No' too... and you are right, having the no not respected for so many times before, that keeps us from trying.... I am trying to train that with little things and not saying just No, but giving an alternative, like for example if my man asks me if I want to do something and I don't really feel like doing it, I try to say 'what about doing this or that instead?' or 'I feel more like doing this or that' or just 'we can do that, but in 2 hrs or tomorrow'... that kinda seems to work, it's not like pushing the other away, it's respecting the others needs, but also demanding your own needs....
@courteousNorth5140 love that suggestion giving alternatives
@courteousNorth5140
oooo i love those words North, good job! No's don't have to mean you are not interested in engaging and it's lovely to see you talk about what works for you and negociate your needs too!
@LifeIsMyCanvas
thank you Canvas yepp, for somebody who didn't know what boundaries are only a year ago, I think I'm doing pretty well with at least trying 
@courteousNorth5140
you are doing awesome hun 
@courteousNorth5140
Thats a really good idea actually. It might be easier than saying no. I dont like upsetting people. But that sounds like an easy way to start. I appreciate you.
@Npepsicola
yepp, it really is a good way to start, it will get easier over time and damn it yes, I know what you mean, I'm always scared of upsetting people when I try to set a boundary... But people who really care for us, will respect our boundaries, that's what I'm slowly learning... and that it's a lot about wording it right, so nobody gets hurt along the way, considering everybody's needs and somehow finding a compromise, without hurting anybody's boundaries, I guess that's what I'm always trying to do you're very much appreciated too, Pepsi
@Npepsicola
Boundaries are meant to be based on your personal values, so for example I am vegan so if my family want to go out to a restaurant I say sure, but it needs to have a vegan option I can eat. My boundary is I don't want to eat animal products, which is linked to my personal values behind why I don't consuming animal products. I'm flexible on the how I achieve it but not on the why.
Often if we are not sure who we are after traumatic events. So we have trouble identifying these boundaries because we don't know the things about ourselves that we need to know, in order to consciously set and maintain boundaries. Does that make sense?
In our uncertainty of not knowing who we are and what is valid for us it can make is hard for us to know when we need to stick to our guns. It can stump us when working out what negociations might be ok for us too. We might begin to second guess ourselves and it can feel a bit like walking on sand which is moving under our feet. The first step to having boundaries and people respecting them is to understand our own identity. Those around us who truely care about us will want to understand why that boundary is important to us, so that they can truely consider options that might work for both of you and give you the best chance of success. Otherwise no matter how much the other person cares about you they might not know what to do or become frustrated, which can lead to one party giving in or giving up. I hope that helps a bit? It's just an observation I have from my own life and watching others work through boundary issues.
There are of course people that straight up don't care and will do what they want so I will make a separate checkin about boundaries and consequences so that it doesn't get too overwhelming.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Yeah that makes a sense. I dont even know what I need because I dont think those needs have ever been met. I know that I have big issues with physical touch, but its really hard for me to voice that. I feel like I cant tell people when I want them to stop or to not touch me. I feel ashamed that Im like that. Sexual abuse is so awful to go through and try to heal from. Its so confusing and messy. It leaves such deep, lasting wounds that wont seem to go away. I wish I liked hugs or anything. They seem like they should be nice. But i just dont like them. Idk if that means im broken or what. I dont know how to set boundaries at all, this is probably the thing i struggle with the most. I try to make everyone happy all the time. I feel dumb that i dont understand how to do it.
@Npepsicola
Nope hon, I don't think your either dumb or broken... we're all kind of damaged here, but not broken 
the topic about physical touch and setting that boundary, yes, that's really a difficult one... I am ok with it from certain people, but I'm for sure not a friend of hugging everybody... like at work we have those silly ritual to hug each other on their birthday and I simply hate that, so I found out that it helps preventing those hugs when I just offer my hand instead, that way you don't have to word your boundary, but you are making it clear and with time people got, ok, well, not a hugger.... of course it's a different topic with close friends, family or your partner, who somehow naturally expect that you are ok with your touch... but with those people, who actually really care for you, you can talk and tell them 'hey, I don't feel comfortable with a hug today'... sometimes I just simply avoid it with being busy with my hands 'oops, sorry, feel hugged, don't have free hand' lots of ways to work around that hon... just have to try it out, cause doing something you don't feel comfortable with just causes lots of stress... it will get easier with time
@courteousNorth5140
Yeah. Thanks for helping me not feel so alone. I feel ashamed that im married and i feel so uncomfortable being touched. Some days even holding hands feels so violating and uncomfortable. I feel like a bad person constantly for having those thoughts about someone i love so much. It just happens and i feel like i have no control over it. I dont really know how to voice it. Its scarey and vulnerable.
I dont really know what my other boundaries would be. I think that would be my main one. Maybe i should bring this up in therapy because clearly it could use some work.
I cant say no its safer .. i can to my kids but not another adult😔 i dont know if i have control over anything especially me
@Bpdmind123
saying no is indeed a really difficult task and it takes some exercise to be able to say it firmly... but there are ways to work around it, like trying to give alternatives or just being unavailable at that time, but later... that's a friendly way to set a boundary without actually saying no... It's great though that you are able to say No to your kids
@Bpdmind123
What do you think makes it easier to say no to your kids? Is there any insight from that which could help you with adults?
My kids dont hurt me when i say no.... adults do 😢@LifeIsMyCanvas
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Hi Canvas, I like doughnuts :D
I think using phrase like "I'm uncomfortable with this thing or situation or environment" will help inform others of boundaries, and then adding "perhaps we could...", "if you don't mind, could we/could you..." or "would you like...to instead" to establish a suitable compromise to meet them halfway will help defuse any negative feelings and also portray to the other party/parties that I do still value them/what they want to do, but I am just not comfortable with the original idea. Also using "unfortunately, I'm unavailable" instead of just I'm unavailable will make it less rude if I don't want to talk specifically about why.
I can't seem to talk about my discomforts though if the other person already established his or her boundaries or if they're more uncomfortable with what I want than I am with what they want so I guess over time if that keeps happening I start settling for less and less until eventually I'm completely without boundaries. Once I draw them finally apparently what I ask seems preposterous to them because I never asked before even though it's already so little and the most basic that I'm asking.
@humorousBeing8966
I really like the phrases you are using, those are really great ideas, I'm gonna steal some and well, I think this boundary topic is so difficult cause it always depends on the person you are using your boundaries with, like if you are very close to a person it's more likely you do sth you actually don't want to do, just cause you know it is important for that person and imo that's perfectly ok, as long as there is some kind of balance and you also feel like the other person is doing the same for you.... I think we have different boundaries for everybody, like I have really strict boundaries with strangers and I can set them and keep them quite easily, the closer people are to me the harder it gets to set a boundary and speak them...
@courteousNorth5140
Thanks :) hopefully the phrase work well ^^
I think I'm still having difficulty setting boundaries with anyone...either strangers, acquaintances or people close to me...I don't think I've actually used any of the above that I said but maybe I can try it next time. I only used part of the above ones once and it wasn't even face to face. Or maybe I still have a hard time maintaining the boundaries when people get really persistent.
@humorousBeing8966
try them out, I really think they are good and will work very well... and yes, you are right, when people get really persistent it is hard to keep any boundary, but I think in that case everybody has a problem with it... but yeah, like with everything in life, I think the boundaries thing is a matter of training, we have to try out and find the right way for us you will get there hon, just keep trying
@courteousNorth5140
Maybe I need to quit being friends with them right? If they think over time I'll change my boundaries. I'm so uncomfortable right now with things a friend is saying and asking me but I've known him for a while. 😓
@humorousBeing8966
well, that's a really difficult situation to be in and well, I can't tell you to end things with your friend... what I can say is, that even the people closest to you, family, partner, friends, have to respect your boundaries and don't have the right to overstep them or push them all them time... Did you try one of the phrases you wrote down yesterday on your friend? Sometimes wording things differently helps clearing a situation... sending you lots of strength
@humorousBeing8966 your using awesome phrases sorry to see some have found it popostrous but good on you for looking out for your needs too
@CaringBrit Thank you for saying that but actually I think it's easier to think about this after bad things have happened rather than in the moment because sometimes I guess it's difficult to really know what my needs are, what the consequences of not setting my boundaries in this particular situation are, and also actually voicing my boundaries in the moment rather than just going along with the other person...or maybe they won't even bother to wait until I speak my mind..
@humorousBeing8966 true point not easy when in the moment at all not alone with that
@humorousBeing8966
yay lets eat doughnuts together nom *I found a vegan one at the bottom of the pile yay*
I like your words for maintaining boundaries, you did a good job on picking words that are kind and true to you
It's hard for me to fully understand all that you are experiencing when interacting with the people that have different boundary needs without knowing the specific situation. But that said, anyone who treats you like your boundaries are preposterous are the ones who actually have the boundary issue there! No boundary is silly, we don't get to judge what is ok for someone else, we can ask, we can talk and work something out to suit both of us, but it is never ok to say your boundary is riduculous or unworthy of respecting.
Sometimes when we have been in an abusive situation people have gotten used to us being a certain way and will basically throw a tantrum when we try to change and have boundaries. The goal there is to intimidate you into lowering and removing the boundary again so they can have their needs met at the expense of yours. This is never ok and totally not cool or respectful. There are other scenarios where love ones have gotten used to you as you were and need some time to process that you are changing and them get use to it. That's totally normal and although they might feel confused or hurt etc... they will still respect you and you can work on something together that feels right.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Someone familiar with me is trying to change boundaries but at least they're nice about it and asking but I tried it out kind of
@LifeIsMyCanvas
What are some other words we can use for boundaries?
Comfort Zone, Safety, Limits, Personal Bubble
Have you experienced not having the right balance?
I think everyone has at least once
@incompl Those are great words! And yes, unfortunately I think many (if not all) of us have experienced this.
@incompl
I like those words, very helpful ones and yes you are right that we all experience not having the right balance. It's part of being human and growing
@incompl definetly great words there and very true on the balance point you stated
Hi Canvas
I really struggle saying no. Using my voice is so hard.
I found out today that I'm being put on another waiting list to start therapy in about a year, with no support while I'm waiting :(
I think I'll take a doughnut and hide in the pillow fort.
@FloweringBunny A year is such a long time to wait! That must be incredibly frustrating to hear that news. I'm glad you're here and hope that we can all continue to support you through the wait time. 
@FloweringBunny
A whole year! That really sucks 
Hopefully we can be a support to you while you wait and maybe become part of your support network?
Using our voices is hard isn't it? Many of us have been taught not to use them or have been ignored when we have tried to speak up. Maybe when you are ready you could have a think about what specifically makes it hard for you but for now I'm leaving you a special plate of doughnuts outside your pillow fort incase you need snacks later
I suck at boundaries. It doesn't help that when I feel threatened by someone in my personal space, I dissociate. I just try to isolate myself to not deal with that. Bad coping, but I need it right now.
Having a utterly failed day. Therapy today and fallout from alters and a wellness check from the police. Just going to crawl under the covers and disappear for a few hours.
@affectionateNorth4018
Hey there, we covered physical boundaries on Sunday if you would like to go back and have a read for more info
While I understand dissociation is the first response of your brain and that you may not always have control of that, it's important to ask ourselves if it is truely helping now.
Ok so the nerdy brain stuff 
.... Dissociation is a mechanism to keep the body safe when severe abuse is occuring to ensure the brain and bodies energy is soley focused on the survival of the body. This is usually as a child when we might not have the physical strength to fight off our attacker or are unable to flee. When dissociation is triggered as an adult, like in your example of people coming into our personal space, it may not help us to dissociate. It removes our ability to be conciously in control and assess our best options. While isolating feels safer to avoid this, it stops us from establishing safe relationships to help us let go of pain (yesterdays topic!).
I really hope that this little bit of info on the brain will help in some way. I personally found it helpful to know that my brain instinctively choses for me based on previous patterns, and that meant I wasn't doing anything wrong. When I knew that I was able to look at better ways to cope that helped me heal and I would love that for you too when you are ready .
Sorry to hear about the rough day. Therapy is definately tough, especially with other parts of you interjecting with their feelings/needs and then to have a wellness check on top of that! A good duvet fort sounds like a great self care plan.
Well sweet humans, Canvas needs her beauty sleep *yawns*.
I've loved reading all of your posts, wisdom and brave sharing. Also munching doughnuts was super tasty See you all soon
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Nighty-night :)
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Hi Canvas. I can't do the topic right now. I'm trying to hold it together. Trying to keep from crying again.
Today I have been self harming and thinking about dying a lot.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Love these check ins💛 very helpful
@wittySpruce8187 Thanks for being here! Glad you're liking the check-ins!