Traumatic Experiences Community Daily check-in Wednesday December 12th 2018
Hi everyone! Today I'm going to talk about a classic! In the PTSD workbook. Like THE PTSD workbook, what I call the bible for trauma survivors, there is a "Personal Bill of Rights." It is... a wonderful list that reminds us what we deserve as human beings. It is a list of basic dignities that all people are afforded, but survivors have difficulty giving to ourselves. Being kind to ourselves, forgiving ourselves, and knowing in our hearts that we deserve happiness can be overshadowed by the shame from what happened and feeling like we could have changed the outcomes. We internalize so much guilt that we end up hating ourselves, sometimes more than the situation or the perpetrator (if your trauma has one).
Humans have a deep desire for the world to be fair. This is why we have concepts like "luck" and Karma because we believe that the universe balances things out. In order to accept what happened to us, we must come to the conclusion that either we are bad people and deserve what happened, or accept that reality is not fair and often what happened had no reason at all. It is often too difficult to accept this randomness of cruelty and pain, so we pick the former option instead.
What happened to cause your trauma is most likely not your fault. In fact, the reason we end up with trauma is normally because we lacked control in the original situation and are still struggling with that lack of control today and in our day to day lives. We are at the mercy of the universe and it overwhelms us.
Today I want you to think about accepting the randomness of reality, and consider for a bit that what happened to you is not your fault. I want you to read through the Personal Bill of Rights, and see how you feel about them. Does any one stick out to you in particular as one that is difficult to accept or that is painful to think about? Do you recognize that you SHOULD accept them (although it may be hard)? How does the list make you feel? As always, if you don't want to participate just tell me how your week is going, I love seeing you all!
1. I have the right to ask for what I want.
2. I have the right to say "no" to requests or demands I cant meet.
3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
4. I have the right to change my mind.
5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
6. I have the right to follow my own standards.
7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
9. I have the right not to be responsible for others behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
13. I have the right to feel scared and say Im scared.
14. I have the right to say I dont know.
15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
20. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
22. I have the right to change and grow.
23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
25. I have the right to be happy.
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we must come to the conclusion that either we are bad people and deserve what happened
This is the conclusion I've come to after many years. No matter what has happened to me, I made choices.
@affectionateNorth4018
What you're doing is called internalizing. Nothing in this world is any one person's fault. In recovery, it's ok to take some of the blame, but it is extreme to think that you are the only thing to blame. Also I think it's important to remember that if you made choices that you can look back at now and say are bad, but at the time felt like the only option because of your circumstances, then you did the best you could by any standard. No one is psychic and can know what will come, we just do the best we can with the information we have.
I don't know you so I can't say if you are or are not a good person, but I can say that since you're here in the Trauma SC, it's probably because a part of you knows there were things beyond your control and you are dealing with that however you can. Some days it'll be really hard to see that, but how about today, just for a change of pace, you pretend that things weren't your fault completely. How would that look to you? Were there any other people or events involved that impacted what happened?
@affectionateNorth4018
I can understand thinking that way. I thought that way for many many years myself.
Can I ask if there's anyone you can think of that you would tell the same thing to? Would you tell a friend or loved one that about themselves? Do you think that maybe being human, you're allowed to make choices and maybe even mistakes without having something bad happen to you because of it?
I know even asking that last question can bring up some intense emotions.
I think that's a big stuck point in the healing process, those "why" questions. We so badly want to know why something happened so that we can make sense of it and decide what to do with that information. I think sometimes there are no concrete answers, only vague info and guesses, so we end up filling in the blanks ourselves in an attempt to feel safety. For me, in many ways it seemed easier to blame myself (for making a certain choice, for failing to make a choice at all, even for making choices that I know were healthy at the time), because I felt like if it was me then I could fix it. I could tell myself that I had power in the situation. I kept telling myself horrible things, punishing myself, and then wondering why I wasn't getting better or feeling better.
I think when we make a choice involving other people, there are endless possibilities of ways they could react to it. I'm sorry if you were in a situation where someone chose to take advantage of that. That is on them, not you. It doesn't say anything about you as a person or the choice you made.
@Hoxenos love this check in hoxenos
@CaringBrit
Hey thanks so much! How are you doing?
@Hoxenos started with a cold this morning
@Hoxenos
I really like this topic. Such a core idea, but yet so difficult in ways. It actually makes me feel a little sad that these basic things are such a struggle for myself and others here. It's not right. But, I imagine even without the trauma factor, there are a lot of people in the world who have no awareness of these basic rights... people that to us might look like they're happy, but in reality are reacting and having have schemas just like the rest of us. I guess overall the list reminds me that I'm still going through the grieving process (of lost childhood, innocence, safety), but at the same time hopeful and more confident reading these things.
9. I have the right not to be responsible for others behavior, actions, feelings, or problems. This one is such an automatic one for me, as it kinda defines the roll I assigned myself (or was assigned by others) in my life.
10. I have the right to expect honesty from others. This one hit me weird too. I feel like I don't have the right to expect anything from anyone. Like that they don't have to give me anything. But I do recognize that I have the right to walk away if I'm not getting honesty! So maybe this means the same thing.
15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior. Still getting used to this idea.
16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings. This one too.
19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me. This one surprised me a little. I'm not exactly sure why. It makes sense to me though, because I do sometimes feel guilt or shame around this issue.
I also noticed going through these that most of my feelings on the items all go back to #9. So I must really have a big issue with feeling responsible for others. Looking at my background, my parents, family, and my assigned roll, it makes a lot of sense.
@SentientiaPoecile
I think that often survivors of childhood trauma tend to take on a caregiver role. If there was any secrecy in your trauma, then there is an added element of you having had the power to keep your family together or destroy it with your knowledge. If there was ever any pressure of secrecy or not stirring the pot, then that adds another layer of responsibility on children that is not fair.
For example, I was the peace keeper in my family. Both within myself and outside of it. I wanted everyone to get along and be happy and my family let me take on this role even as a young child. This was to the point where my parents started coming to me to talk to my other family members despite me being the youngest. This had the result of me being responsible for my perpetrator, like if he didn't do chores or something, which added a whole new level of burden and assumption of responsibility.
The dynamics we are brought up in have huge life long consequences and it took me many years to unlearn these patterns. I still often feel responsible for things outside of my control, but far less than in the past. It is a constant effort. Perhaps keeping this list somewhere, or maybe even writing out #9 since it's so sticky for you, would help you in your day to day life. The key to these kinds of affirmations is repetition. The more we repeat it the more true it'll feel until it replaces the old ideas.
Great introspection today!!
Thank you, @Hoxenos
Reading your reply made me tear up a little. You have some good intuition. I can relate to what you shared from your life. Thank you for being willing to share it, and I am sorry that you had to go through those things. I suppose sometimes those rolls/reactions pop up in unexpected places as we're healing. I haven't thought about some of these things in a while. Think I will have to reflect a little on the emotions that just came up for me.
@SentientiaPoecile
Take all the time you need. I find that new feelings about old memories come up periodically because as you learn and evolve as a person, old memories are shines with new lights and new angles that show us additional information we hadn't thought of before. I find it's often unpleasant but ultimately beneficial, because it teaches us more about ourselves and our needs in the current moment. It helps us understand our feelings and where they come from, because as it turns out they are very complicated things!
@Hoxenos
Hey there. What a great, informative thread. Thank you for posting. I hope everyone is having a good day.
@Ayla Thanks so much and you too!
@Hoxenos
Thank you so much for this. So many of them are very powerful for me...they brought tears to my eyes. The one that resonates most is probably the right not to be perfect.
@ReallyRuth
Ahh that's such a toughy. Being a perfectionist myself, I think a part of me still looks at it and goes "Uh of course!! Except like still I need to be perfect or I'm a failure though". It's an incredibly difficult belief to shrug. That being said, we can look at other people and think they deserve these rights but maybe that we don't. You know how when we grow up we are taught the "golden rule" of "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you"? Well I believe that in healing from trauma we have to do unto OURSELF the way we do unto others. Why do other people not have to be perfect? Probably because it's impossible to be perfect and we wouldn't want them to feel bad for not reaching an impossible goal! So maybe... we shouldn't be mad at ourselves for not meeting that same impossible goal that we wouldn't ever expect of anyone else.
@Hoxenos
So true. I am always kinder and gentler to others than I am to ...and often kinder and gentler to others than they necessarily are to me
Wow
I did not make it all the way through the list before I got overwhelmed emotionally and had to take a break. But the introductory paragraphs… Yes I think that describes my experience very well. I spend a lot of time not feeling understood by others or finding suggestions that are made to feel rather impractical. But everything in those paragraph sounds so familiar. Its so on point that its a bit overwhelming I think. Wow. I dont know what else to say.
@pioneeringBanana1598
I'm sorry that it overwhelmed you, I hope that you're feeling better now! Sometimes knowledge of our inner workings can make things better because it gives us the tools to fight back and control our brains, and sometimes it makes things feel more scary and inevitable, so I understand your overwhelm. You can always book mark the post and come back when you think you can handle it. You deserve all these things on the list and I can't wait for the day when you can say them with confidence :)
