Traumatic Experiences Daily Check In - Saturday June 10th 2017
When I is replaced by We, Illness becomes Wellness
Just a reminder that you're not alone. Whether you're a regular contributor to this group, someone who comments occasionally, or you're feeling unsure about whether you belong, we are here for you. No pressure, but feel free to say hi, and tell us how your day's going.
@DeborahUK
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@DeborahUK Still here i guess. just numb. not really talking anymore. Spend all time trying to function and work and convince everyone im ok so they dont worry.
Dont know what im doing really. Just existing. Pushed people away bcsuse it felt right.
Might make it easier i dont know.
Still wish everyone here peace.
@inventiveOrange1
It's really good to hear from you. I wonder how you're doing in terms of stopping blaming yourself? Remember, you've been through a tragic event, but it's not one you could have influenced or changed.
Do you know why you push people away? I wonder if it's because you feel undeserving of their sympathy because you're stil blaming yourself? But it wasn't your fault.
It sounds in some ways as if you're trying to make sense of something that makes so little sense. Who else is there to blame in such circumstances? The thing is though, it's one of those events that's blameless. A tragic event. But it wasn't your fault.
@DeborahUK
Love image. Guess I'm ok...
@conscientiousPineapple1782
Hmm, okay? It's one of those nondescript words isn't it. I hope it's a good okay? What do you have planned for your day?
@DeborahUK
If had time as is far go to chrurch. Try to have faith and trust in myself. Thought about being less on internet. Just to be breave. Walk a dog also.Tired of feeling so confused.
@conscientiousPineapple1782
They sound like great plans. I hope you fit it all in. Maybe having all that focus will lift those confused thoughts for a while. I really hope so :)
@DeborahUK
Thank you :)
I think it really is true that a burden shared becomes a little lighter. At least you don't have to suffer in silence - someone knows how you feel or what is happening.
In this sense I do see illness becoming wellness. It takes time and mistakes and stops and starts. It's all made a little easier with a friend by your side.
Grateful and proud of our little community and how time and again we share together and break that lonely silence. Always glad to see new faces too.
To that end: it's going to be a difficult day. In fact, it's going to be difficult for awhile. Just a lot going on in life personally, relationally, financially etc.
The "party" is definitely over. We had to push our luck until things turned sour. Now there is a lot to do in order to salvage some semblance of present and future happiness.
@themainjane
Agree wholeheartedly with you.. a burden shared becomes a little lighter. And yes we can be grateful for our little commiunity here where we can share, be undestood and support each other.
@themainjane
I'm dreading tonight. I hope that everything goes smoothly. I think I'm having a delayed reaction to last night. Which turned out okay, right?
(But it's not really ok)
I wish I was stronger.
I know I'm shamelessly posting but it helps to try and get it out there.
I relate to what was said about finding out how I feel. I guess I'm afraid of the truth. Maybe the fear is worse than the truth though. Depends on the issue. The truth is not all that pretty but maybe it can be dealt with. These aren't the types of things that will go away without internally facing my own truth: the good, the bad and the ugly.
Took a bath and feel much better. Pushing through the day. Whatever happens tonight will be. I know I'm certainly not looking for any more drama. Going to hope for the best and finish the things I have to do today. (It's a relatively new feeling to actually try to accomplish tasks).
@themainjane
Post away. Nothing shameless about it!
Do you think this is about wanting to stick your head in the sand? That sometimes it feels easier to do that than to have to acknowledge what's going on around you? We all do it you know, in all sorts of situations. I remember as a kid sticking my fingers in my ears on numerous occasions, singing la la la with my eyes closed, hoping it would all just go away!
You make a good point about fear often being worse than the truth. I forget the statistic now, but I remember reading that very high percentage of what we worry about either never happens, or is far easier to deal with than we ever imagine. Question is, when it comes to facing your own truth, are you prepared for it? What will help you face it? What support do you have open to you? And what coping strategies can you turn to that will help keep you safe?
@DeborahUK
Question is, when it comes to facing your own truth, are you prepared for it? What will help you face it? What support do you have open to you? And what coping strategies can you turn to that will help keep you safe?
I'm sorta prepared - like to deal with the things I don't like about myself that need changing. And to stop sugar-coating certain aspects of my life.
The support I have available to me is 7 cups, my counselor and to a degree my spouse.
As far as safe - I'm not sure I understand the question. I don't think I'm in any danger other than falling apart. :)
Last night it took a monumental effort just to get my spouse home and keep him here. It wasn't pretty. He was very drunk and he's not happy with me at all.
I think I should add that he had every right to be angry with me (and no that is not me taking an undue blame).
But I can't say I'm thrilled with his methods. The punishment should fit the crime and it seems things get very blurred sometimes. That's what I'd like to fix. Not having so much overlap and jumbling of problems because it can reach an abusive pitch on both our parts.
And we both have a history of misusing alcohol.
I think I'm a square peg in a round hole here. This forum is so child abuse trauma centric that there's not much room for people with other struggles.
I'm not saying I'm not sorry and that it's not awful because obviously it is. But I need my own place to deal with the problems of the here and now.
@themainjane
I think the idea of being a square peg in a round hole will resonate with many people, as it's fairly common to feel you don't fit in. You say this forum feels to be more about child abuse. It's a support group for those affected by traumatic experiences, which can be many and varied, current or historical. It isn't necessarily about abuse, in childhood or later. A car accident for example is a traumatic experience. But essentially Jane, if you feel you're getting something from the group, why not stick around? I've observed your posts over time. You're supportive, compassionate and constructive. You're taking small steps personally. This appears to be a community in which you're finding your feet. So square peg? Round hole? You fit right in :)
@DeborahUK
Thank you for your kind words. I guess I'm just having a bit of a hard time right now and I don't know how I rate. I wish someone could tell me if I'm under-reacting or over-reacting. I don't know why I'm so inept at life.
I still need to start taking my meds on top of everything else. No matter what I do or don't do I think I'm bound to lose my husband or have the two of us live unhappily together.
Today's been a bit rougher than I expected
@Psalm139 so sorry to hear today's been rougher than you expected. These kind of days seem to hit us at times. I hope you have been able to draw on what you know helps you to get through. We're here with you.
@DeborahUK
Great picture. Had a horrible sleeping night again. Good day planned, including my first harp class in over a month and a friend coming over. It's cloudy and rainy cold here.
Great Check in, @DeborahUK. :)
How are we doing today? Well. To be honest, still struggling with an overall sense of anxiousness, as my dream life continues to be overactive (eg, last night I dreamt that I was working at a hospital -- which trigger me out btw -- doing outbound solicitation calls alongside a former friend who I had a falling out with 7 years ago. Nearly a decade of centre phone work exacerbated my anxiety exponentially, so it's nice to know that my subconscious hasn't forgotten nor forgiven me for the wage slave masochism.)
So far, the worries -- illogical, random, entirely irrational -- are only minor intrusions, like a series of paper cuts. But they still collectively sting, and the overall sense of unease is building incrementally. Have a playdate scheduled for this afternoon with my daughter, and the notion of leaving the house is hard to reconcile at the moment.
But even though it's a struggle to even contemplate getting out the door today, much less out of bed, I'm determined to see her. Witnessing her joy is worth the awful discomfort, hypersensitivity/hyper-vigilance be damned; my little girl always takes precedence.
With that said, it's still hard to channel such seemingly hollow bravado into action, so I appreciate everyone's support as I keep trying to embrace and firmly embed the truth that Everything Is OK (especially not being okay).
@melliotm
It's surprising isn't it how these memories that seem so far in the past can suddenly raise their head again. Do you find some mindfulness exercises help you to reconnect with the here and now and reduce your anxiety? I seem to remember you had mentioned them being useful before. All good tools for the arsenal. Even so, it's unsettling when remembered dreams interrupt your consciousness so unexpectedly.
As hard as it sounds for you to muster the mental resources to leave the house, what an incentive seeing your daughter must be. If she were old enough to understand what effort you have to apply, and what difficulties you have to face, yet you still never let her down, just imagine how proud of you she'd be. I'm not suggesting she doesn't love her dad dearly, but I mean in years to come, what feels such a struggle right now will be a huge source of pride for you both to reflect upon.
I hope you're able to share some of her joy with her today, and take pride in how important you are to her.
@DeborahUK I'm actually rather proud of myself. A combination of unforseen circumstances and preexisting anxiousness coalesced into a full panic state right before I had to leave. But with a little listener support and some mindfullness I was able to make it through.
Even though it was a struggle and I wasn't able to be as fully present or centered as I would have liked, I still did it. And she was delighted regardless. I feel utterly drained, my head aches, and my nerves are still on edge (indeed, there shall be meditation soon) but I refused to bail on our plans.
Have been focusing on self care since.
So far, so good, considering.
@DeborahUK If she were old enough to understand what effort you have to apply, and what difficulties you have to face, yet you still never let her down, just imagine how proud of you she'd be. I'm not suggesting she doesn't love her dad dearly, but I mean in years to come, what feels such a struggle right now will be a huge source of pride for you both to reflect upon.
This made me tear up a bit in a good way. Thank you. I'd rather take pride in the struggle and what I can do for/with her than fall prey to guilt over my limitations. 😅
Today was pretty great actually. I spent time outside (even though it was ridiculously hot!), and I got to spend a lot of time with my family! :)
Not sure if ive just had my first panic attack or not. Worried.