21 years of abuse

It's been a year since my parents divorced and I still can't recover from it. My parents had one of the worse kind of relationships that included psychological, emotional, physical and sexual abuse. My father cheated on my mother multiple times with both men and women and some of them were actually my mother's closest friends and most of the time it was me who accidentally found them out and in most disgusting ways. He was constantly starting fights over nothing and abusing both my mother and me and most of the times they were ending up with him beating her (a few times even me). Months later their divorce we even found out he had substance abuse with coke and he spend all of our money that way. When they first divorced I was constantly having nightmares of him raping me and I still don't know if they are real memories or some kind of reflection of what he did to my mother cause I know he even sexually abused her. Frankly I don't even know if I ever want to find out they are real or not. Those nightmares ended after a few weeks but know I can't even have any proper sleep without having nightmares of us fighting and me killing or fatally hurting him. It's so expensive to cover up any therapy in my country so I can't get any additional help. I don't know what to do and I tought maybe opening up about it will help somehow. Thanks for listening I guess and would be really thankful if you have any suggestions to offer.