Abuse,sexual assault, alcoholic

My dad was very abusive and my mom was an alcoholic, my dad would regularly beat us for the smallest reasons or if he was just mad. My mother wouldn't care what was happening to me or her and just went with it as many times as I begged her for us to leave she wouldn't because the drugs as long as she got drunk or smoked she didn't care what happened to me. One day they were both passed out and I haven't eaten in days I was so hungry at that point I would have done any thing for some food I was terrified but I remember leaving the house and basically running to the store scared that they would wake up before I got back I stole a few pieces of candy and went back home and they were still sleep but my dad woke up and he seen that I left and he was so mad I knew what was coming but I was glad I had something eat but he ended up sexually assaulting me and I was so scared I stayed in my room for day I was so scared to sleep I had to sleep with a knife under my pillow. After that he never tried to do that again but even to this day it scared me just to think about that but what really hurts was that when I told my mom she sat there for a while then left me with him to go get drunk. I don't blame her tho I blame my dad if he never started hitting her and being this way she wouldn't have turned to drugs and alcohol. I love my mother with all my heart still but I hate her so much at the same time for letting him do that to us for not trying to get us out that situation. So many things happened so many memories I have of him beating her Infront of me and I felt so helpless because I didn't do anything and I know I couldn't have done anything but still. I have so much hatred and pain in me and I hate the way I am I hate how these are the things that repeat in my mind so much. It got so bad my first suicide attempt was when I was 11. I tried to stab myself cause I was tired of seeing my mother how she was I was tired of feeling like I was going to be stuck there and even then no one cared my own family didn't want me because of how my parents were. All the mental pain starts to physically hurt one day but when you start trying to force yourself to cry about theses things that happen to you or be sad about it, it's numbing but still hurts on a so much more deeper level you start to just be okay with it and accept it.