Childhood Trauma
When I was 9, my parents divorced, and everything went downhill after that. My mom got sick with POTS, but at the time, she didn’t know what it was. And from then on, the way she treated me just got worse.
In 5th and 6th grade—especially 5th—I would take a long time on my homework, and instead of helping me, she would yell at me. I would get whooped for bad grades. I remember being up super late, exhausted, and she’d still be yelling. I felt alone, especially after my brother was born—that feeling of being alone carried into 7th and 8th grade. I kept getting bad grades, and she kept whooping me. She never helped with homework, just projects. I felt like I couldn’t go to her, even though she always said I could tell her anything.
During that time, we moved in with my grandparents, and it wasn’t the best. Then, 9th grade was terrible. Attended KIPP and struggled every day with the overwhelming amount of homework. I would take too long, and she’d yell and whoop me again. One time, she got so angry that she had me pinned against the wall with her hand around my throat. I told my guidance counselor, and after that, she would make slick comments about it — stuff about foster homes, stuff to make me feel guilty. I don’t remember every detail, but I remember the feeling.
Things got a little better in 10th grade, but 11th grade was bad again because I stopped doing my work. I felt like the work had no point to me, and I still don’t fully understand why I felt that way. During this time, she would also say hurtful things. Once, when I was suicidal and she knew I was suicidal, she yelled something along the lines of “unalive yourself for all I care.” I don’t remember the exact words, but it was close. She apologized that day, but it didn’t mean much.
These past few months, all these memories keep popping up constantly. I honestly can’t remember any good memories with her — or if there are any, they’re tiny compared to the bad ones. She would go crazy if I didn’t do the dishes before she got home. She broke my game disc and headphones. She made me cut all my hair off in 2017 or 2018. She threw my Xbox off my dresser and threatened to break my stuff. She would hit me. She was constantly angry.
She was still sick during a lot of this time, but that doesn’t excuse anything. She never came to me asking what was wrong. She never tried to understand school or why I was struggling. If I got bad grades, she exploded. That’s why I hid my grades—because I was afraid of her.
In 2023, our family was going on a cruise. I said yes at first, but then I didn’t want to go because I was afraid of her yelling at me the whole time. When I told her, she got mad. This is the same person who told me I could come to her about anything, who claimed to respect honesty. After that, it became really hard to come to her about anything or even connect with her. I feel constant anger toward her. This was also the year my father died. I feel alone as ever.
I told her once about some of the things she did, and she brushed it off. She said I “was emotional as a kid.” When I brought up her cutting all my hair, she said it didn’t matter because my hair is long now. She always minimized things. She also called me a disappointment and cursed a lot. She compared me to her best friend’s kids — how they cooked for their mom, how they did this and that. I told her to stop, and eventually she stopped, but she still said things sometimes — like commenting about other kids driving when I didn’t have my license.
I honestly believe she failed me and was a terrible parent.
I was also scared to tell her things because she would throw them back in my face or make slick comments. She would say I’m “not about my business” and that she’s a “go-getter.” But she never showed me how to do anything. If my little brother annoyed me and I hit him lightly, she would call me abusive toward him.
When I wanted to major in physics and become a nuclear physicist, she told me to be realistic because I procrastinated. She also used to tell me I should fear her when I was younger.
The most confusing part is that she can be caring and loving, like how she was when I was a kid before the divorce, but all the bad that happened overshadows it, and I feel a disconnect. She apologized for things, and I said it was okay, but I didn’t mean it. I just said it and never really forgave. I feel like I’m overreacting, maybe. Am I overreacting? Advice?
@patientPlane1467
I don't think you are over reacting at all.
Your mother if anything was trivialising what you went through.
She had no reason to physically assault you or to cut your hair.
There's no reason to treat someone like this and to make them feel bad, if they are struggling at school.
That's when she should have stepped in and made it easier for you.
You cannot change the past now.
You still only have one mother, but I would keep my boundaries clear and not allow her to minimise , what she actually should be taking accountability for 💖
@Amanda84 Thank you for your kind words.
@patientPlane1467
A pleasure 💜
@patientPlane1467
You are not overreacting. What you went through was repeated fear, punishment, and emotional neglect. The yelling, whooping, late night pressure, the choking incident, the threats about foster care, the guilt trips when you were suicidal, the destruction of your things, the comparisons, the way she dismissed your attempts to talk. These were not small moments. They were a pattern that shaped how you learned to survive.
Her illness might explain her stress, but it does not erase the impact of her choices or the fear you lived with. Hiding your grades, walking on eggshells, doubting your own reactions. These are the behaviors of someone who was trying to stay safe. It makes sense that the memories keep surfacing now. You finally have the space to understand what you could only endure as a child. It also makes sense that your anger and distance feel heavy. When love and harm come from the same person, it leaves confusion behind.
Your experiences are real, and your feelings fit the reality you described.