Confusion.

Hi. Think I'll probably go around in circles and get tangled up in writing this, apologies if I do.

A few years ago, I spent a year trying to report 'abuse'. I was talking to an online counsellor and she gave me the fight to do so. But even social workers would not listen. My cadet unit believed me too. I grew exhausted and settled with unhappy home life. Probably for the best, it felt traumatic just reporting things and going through not being believed. It makes you doubt everything.

I believe it to be emotional abuse, but I also don't believe it.

It hurts. It really does. The relentless comments, often targeting my own struggles. Being forced to say sorry for things that I don't think I should be, them not saying sorry for both verbal comments and things like accidentally stepping back onto toe, pure courtesy.

I know my dad feels the same, and I know sometimes passers by, if we are on the phone and she is shouting down the phone, for example demanding from the sofa which hot chocolate to buy. He offloads to me, which is both reassuring and hurts. She's my mother. She should be... I should be... She can't say anything nice. That's what he always says and simplifies it.

Even in hospital, she's this silent anger. And different. Maybe because of the stress of the situation, but it really seems to be like a mask.

We have been having family support. The second they mention finishing with us, all the things that have actually been improved go out the window. Respecting my boundaries, flippant comments etc.

I think family support have told her to almost let go of me, like I'm causing her stress. She has quotes pinned up about people who aren't worth your time etc.

Different camhs people say different things. Yesterday, nurse and one camhs person really heard me, as I said the above things. They want me to speak about my past. But what is my past? Who am I? Who is my mom?

Other camhs say she loves you, she worries, the hurtful things are said in anger. I want to say I know she loves me, and yes, she worries. Maybe that's the cause of it? But no, even the things said in anger later in she'll say she means. She won't apologise. And what on earth explains it starting again, and the lies in front of family support about factual conversations?

I almost don't want to write it here as everyone is supportive and will stand up for me and support me.

I know she's in physical pain. Suspects she struggles mentally. But she's right with what she said... That there are no issues when I'm not around.

In the past there were some physical things but wouldn't call it abuse. It was when I had no support. I'd try to talk to her. For example, standing in a doorway, not on purpose, just purely nipping in for a conversation. Then she'll say I'm false imprisoning her when I'm just begging her to stay and hear me out, so she'd push me against the wall. Grab hold of me so hard it hurts. Other times close the door over my feet. There's some that blur. I'd pinch her arms trying to get her to let go.

Another time I was refusing to give her the piano wire (I should have given it for certain reasons), and she grabbed and scratched me and pinched me.

Yes, she says it was for my safety. Yes I was not well at the time. But surely it turning like this is preventable? I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am. Or who my mom is.

Sorry.