Decisions
So I'm really struggling today. My partner was locked up 5 months ago for dv.
Some days I hate him and all he has put me through and others I miss him and feel love for him and wish he was here.
Today I miss him. We did have alot of good times together and he was/is my best friend. Father of 3 of my children and most of the time my lover.
I find more hateful days, I have alot of time now to think of EVERYTHING, every little thing he did wrong by me. I feel anger, sadness, disgust just to name a few.
I really don't know what to do. He once again has promises of being a better partner, father etc. But I've heard it and been sucked in by it before. I just don't understand why I can't just move on, kick him to the curb, you know...
I know noone can tell me what to do, it's a decision I need to make for myself. I'm just struggling to do that.
@braveKitten8218
So, Ive typed, erased, and typed again. As a childhood and adult DV survivor, I come to you without judgement, and with much grace and warmth. I hope this is received well.
Its okay if you love the person who harmed you, who violated you. Even if you also fear or resent him. Its okay to miss him and the good memories you two have.
People arent all good, or all bad. But my interpersonal relationships professor, who I trusted, a woman who helped me get out of the very last abusive relationship I was ever in at that time, she explained to me how... abusers need to be our saving grace and our validation just as much as theyre destructive and toxic. Otherwise, how would we keep coming back?
No one can make this decision for you, thats true. The way you feel isnt wrong. You were so ready to love him despite his imperfections. You are able to find beauty in the beast. When you love someone, you are willing and able to accept and embrace them for who they are— and if were alike, then you already know that comes at any cost— but not everybody deserves that.
Part of me wants to share how it breaks my heart to hear DV survivor stories— but the rest of me? Recognizes your strength in what you had to overcome just to be here today— to be a solid mother for your children who reflects on how she feels to make the right choice for her family and herself.
I truly hope you find the clarity you need to make the best decision for you and yours. ♡
@zaatarHoney thank you, this means alot 💖
@zaatarHoney
As a DV survivor, your response really resonates with me. I just wanted you to know that what you wrote is what I really needed to read today, and I thank you.
@anonyGrapes5911
I am soo grateful, I could cry, that this message reached you as you needed it, also.
Both of you are welcome to reach out to me anytime. Having the right support around you as you build the courage to leave is vital, but we also need the most support for the aftermath.. once were out, our journeys really just begun. ♡
