I know other people have it worse but...
Here is my story. I don't know where to begin so I'm just going to tell everything.
I grew up in what was originally a decent situation. Loving parents, a great little sister, a dog, the traditional family. One difference is that I'm autistic. (It was incorrectly diagnosed as a series of things which I won't get into since it's a long, exhaustive list.)
When I was about 6, I was sexually abused. I don't know the exact details of it, only that my babysitter was involved and that we were reading Peter Rabbit right before it happened. I honestly can't bring myself to feel anything about it. Not anger, not sadness, not even indifference, just empty. I don't have nightmares about it, it's almost like nothing happened. Which makes me question my experience and whether it really happened or not.
On top of that, I've dealt with what I think can be described as emotional abuse. I'm just going to describe the more traumatic incidents.
-I'm about nine years old, and I come home to find all of my books in black trash bags. I'm told that if I'd just cleaned my room, this wouldn't have happened.
-I'm about 12 years old and dealing with suicidal thoughts. I tell my mom this, and she starts to threaten to send my horse away to slaughter since my grades aren't good enough and since I keep trying to "get attention". She then pretends to look up a slaughterhouse number and pretends to call them to make arrangements. This one haunts me the most.
-I'm about 14, and my mom says that she makes me cry so that she knows that I've gotten the message.
-Age 15 my mom, in a fit of rage, tells me that my best friend had good reason for not hanging out with me anymore. This is a long story I won't get into right now.
Also age 15 my mom tells me that she's going to leave me at a mental hospital and never pick me up. She then tries to drive to the hospital before my sister screams at her.
There's a lot of other stuff that's more of a consistent thing. Calling me lazy, calling me ungrateful and spoiled whenever SHE buys me something, saying that I'm emotionally 12 years old, and in a few instances that I'm stupid.
I don't know if this belongs here, but I'm really messed up because of this.
Sounds like you have a lot of external factors exacerbating your internal issues. Don't let anyone, even mom make you feel bad. Parents are just humans who were born before you. They are fallible.
I, can totally relate to you :(
I've been feeling like emotionally abused by my mom all the time. I understand that in her position as a single mother, it could be stressful. That everything she's done for me is what she thought is the best for the family. But sometimes, when she's really stressed up and I make a mistake she will be really angry and calling me stupid and to grow up and to stop acting like a child (I'm F21 btw) and it really gets me. Like, I'm feeling like I'm the biggest disappointment in her life and I'll never be able to make her happy and proud because in her eyes I'm the stupid, childish, useless child she ever had.
And I feel like I shouldn't feel this way. Because, she's my mom ......
First I want to say that just because other people may have it "worse" that doesn't make what you experienced any less damaging, or make your feelings any less valid. You've dealt with a lot of abuse and anyone in any situation would be hurt by all of those things. We grow up thinking our parents will always know best and will always do what is best for us and protect us and make us their number one priority, but sadly that's not the case. Nothing that's happened to you has been your fault nor do you deserve any of it. Those are horrible things for anyone to say to another human being, but I understand how much harder it is coming from someone you expect to protect you, not to be the one hurting you. I'm glad you posted this and reached out and I'm sorry you've had to deal with any of that at all.
