I need help facing a trigger head on
I have recently chosen to just expose myself to a trigger hoping to feel better about it. Any advice would help. I'm terrified and it doesn't feel fair to have to do this but I don't have a choice and very very alone with how I feel. Ever since I have made this decision I have been crying and having panic attacks daily and I am so tired...I just want to feel better even though I know it will take time.
@Yoyokat
If you feel comfortable and safe enough to share, what kind of situation are you dealing with right now?
@Yoyokat I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. It does seem really difficult and stressful and if you ever need a free space to vent, feel free to PM me! I promise I won't judge and I'll be there for you no matter what <3
Here is some more detail. As a kid my older sister and my mother would leave me and abandon me with no food, means of cleaning myself, etc. Often it was to go have sex. My older sister would lock me out of the room that we shared.
Right now I have a new chosen family that I love dearly. My best friend and my sister in that family has been dating and so far I have been okay. We live together because we want too and it makes rent cheaper since rent is really expensive where I live. Recently she has wanted her boyfriend to spend the night in her room, which is fair they have been together awhile and the logical non traumatized part of my brain has no problems with it and is supportive....traumatized brain however keeps giving me terrible attacks and crying and is so so selfish and doesn't want him anywhere near her. My therapist has told me that any physical intimacy between people I care about is a trigger. I get so uncomfortable when they go on dates and when they hang out. It's not fair and I have no logical reason to feel that way. I told my sister I will tough it out and push though because I don't want to hinder their relationship. I just get so frustrated when I can't use logic to stop these overwhelming emotions. I keep telling myself this is like exposure therapy and it will get better but I'm so terrified of them having sex and have been having so many breakdowns and flashbacks over all this and I am so tired. Again logical me is fine and really likes the guy..but trauma me has been hard to control and is overwhelmed and wants this pain to go away and thinks drastic and stupid things. I just want to be a good supportive sister and friend. I don't want to lose this girl. I love her so much.
