Memories and lack there of

TW

Ive been sexually abused more than a few times. When I was around 3-5 years old, I was molested. The distinctive memories aren’t there, since I was so young, but I know it happened. I know it was someone my mom trusted, but I don’t know exactly who it was. It’s a struggle not being able to definitely remember if it happened. Sometimes I think I made it up.

When I was in first or second grade, my mom was dating this man who was a recovering addict. He lived in an all male sober house and we would stay the night there sometimes. One night they sent me to sleep in the room next to her boyfriends, so they could have alone time. When I woke up, it was still dark out and there was a strange man cuddled up next to me. Again I don’t fully remember if he abused me but it seems very possible he did. Every time we went back I would force myself to stay awake until the car ride home out of fear something would happen again.

Jump to seventh grade, I was hanging out with my then boyfriend at his house. He decided he wanted to finger me, he didn’t ask for permission, but I also didn’t stop him. I think about that experience a lot, trying to figure out if it was assault or not. I still don’t really know to be honest.

And the most recent was last summer, I was dating this guy, he coaxed me into having sex with him while I was near blackout drunk. We dated for four months, and I was sober for probably two of the times we had sex. He was sober 90% of the time.

as someone who has both vivid and completely blanked memories, I can say both of them are extremely hard to deal with. The fear of not knowing what really happened to you weighs a ton. But the memories of what happened doesn’t make it any better. At this point I’m trying hard not to dwell on the past, because it can’t be changed. But I’m also trying not to hold everything in. Thank you for reading my story I guess, I needed to get it out into the open.