Molested at 7
I'm a 33 year old straight male. Around 7, I was molested by a male neighbor. Lately it's been coming back to me and haunting me with HOCD. It disgusts me and I want it to go away. Forming relationships with girls has proven difficult, so I live alone with no friends and feel stuck. I want a nice girl to spend my life with, but can't comprehend how to make it happen.
I’m no master when it comes to relationships, but I feel like before you can give yourself to a woman, you need to come to terms with what happened to you as a child. It was not your fault and you did not deserve that. Healing the child within you may help you realize what you need in a relationship
Thank you for the kind response. I have no idea how to heal this. So far, I have tried meditation and large doses of psychedelic drugs. From being exposed to sex early, I am now hypersexualized and make porn for a living. All I can think about is sex and women, while battling the intrusive thoughts of HOCD. I cannot sleep a full night without be woken by these thoughts.
I am 100% not certified to give advice on how to heal from these wounds as I’m also just someone here trying to seek help. Battling HOCD must be rough and I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like,,, however, while I don’t think you mean to, I feel like seeing women as sexual objects will obscure your search for a relationship. women can be sexual beings, but that’s not our only purpose! of course I’m sure you know that, but I think until you find a healing process that works for you, you should spend time focusing on self-love. hyper-sexualization at such a young age creates a lot of self-loathing (at least in my case)
Thank you. I see women not just as sexual beings, but beautiful companions that hold divine feminine energy. Indeed, some self love is necessary. My self hatred runs deep.
Remember, you are not what happened to you.
I was 10 or 11 when it happened to me, I'm 44 now. Looking back, I realize how many of the issues I've faced tie back to this, and that I can't move forward without dealing with this. Your story is so similar to mine, but I was blessed with an amazingly supportive husband. Without him, I have no doubt I'd be dead by now. I have found that journaling helps me clarify my thoughts and reinforce that what happened wasn't my fault and that I have value as a person. Don't know if that works for you, but I hope it does.