My Father

My dad had yelled at me for years. Not like, every day, but hes left a mark on me. When I was 5-6, I wasnt eating dinner (I didnt like it, I was a very picky eater), and eventually he got angry and yelled at me, then took my food. My mom kinda blamed me for it, but I was genuinely terrified. When I was 13, he was yelling at me about my phone or computer, stuff about those, and at one point he said I swear, if you break this, Im gonna... afterwards, I was on the couch sobbing, having one of the worse panic attacks Ive ever had. He kinda acted like it was over dramatic, then left the house. I spent idk how long just shaking and crying over it, repeating the same things to myself.

Now whenever he gets even slightly mad, I get a panic attack. Once, he made a comment about not sitting on the couch with my computer cause it could break, and I left and went into my closet. That was the first time I ever tried to kill myself. I remember sitting there, with a cord in my hand, and I just started saying I wanna die over and over. I was shaking and crying and I was so upset. I remember going to school the next day, and suddenly thinking, I tried to kill myself yesterday and no one knows.

I hate being in this house so much. I keep telling myself Im just being dramatic and he is not abusive, but Im terrified of everything and especially him.