My story so far

My name isAyesha. I am 20 years old and live in Canada. I don't know exactly what mental illness I have but there is definitely something wrong with me. I have an abusive father who emotionally and verbally abuses my mother and likes to control all his children. He used to hit my mom until she got bruises but he's stopped that now mainly because he's old and his limbs hurt. He's sort of laid off me now because I am really stubborn and I don't let him get to me.

But even though I think he doesn't effect me, he does in many different ways. Every time I sit down to study I am not able to because I either get very mad because of all the things he has done or I get really sad that I can't do anything to take my mom out of this situation and make what's left of her life amazing. I'm also frustrated that I can't help my siblings not be exposed to this. I don't want them to turn out like me.

I have a very hard time trusting people and making new friends. And when I do I don't trust them and feel like they are plotting against me or ignoring me. Most times I know I'm being ridiculous. But there is always that small chance.

I can't talk to new people and be myself. I have to put on a different personality and act different because I don't want them to know ME, I don't want them to reject me because I know I will be hurt. I crave being accepted and I know that sounds pathetic but I can't fix it. Sometimes though I get so scared when I'm meeting someone new that I can't speak and my voice comes out squeaky and broken like I'm sick.

People say I'm reserved and my mom says I walk around like I'm hiding something. I don't notice it at the moment but if there is a video of me i do notice that I am clearly looking uncomfortable. It's like I am trapped in someone else's body and learning the ropes.

It isn't all black and white though. I've been through many sites who objectify the abuser and portray them as all bad. My dad has been through a lot in his childhood (my mom has also been through the exact same things but she just came out stronger and is not abusive). My dad and mom both had abusive dads who left their family to fend for themselves. They both had to work really hard to financially and emotionally support their siblings and their mother. My dad is currently very nice to everyone he meets. If a person who is a friend of my dad's or is even remotely associated with a friend of my dad is immigrating to Canada, my dad will find a house for him and buy furniture for him. He gives thousands everyday to charity. He actively participates in all his children's education and buys us the best of everything we ask for.

But this does not change the fact thathe's verbally abusive to his whole family. Verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to his wife.Favoursother people more than his family. He is a racist and does not want me to associatewith people of specific ethnicities. He is controlling what I study and what courses I take. Luckily for me, what he wants me to choose as a career is what I want to be as well. But he is also kind hearted and has been hurt by family and friends throughout his life who use him and then dump him. He likes to keep himself happy by praising himself at every opportunity he gets. As I have grown older I realized this might be because he wants to hide how small he feels inside.

I know the best way for me to help myself and my family is by doing well in my education (which he is paying for). ButeverytimeI sit down I remember that time he broke a plate on my mom's head and threatened her with a knife pressed against her throat. I remember him telling an 8 year old me to go tell my mom she is a bitch. I remember himthreatningto crash the car with all of us in it and I had to grab the steering wheel with my mom to stop him from doing it. I remember him making afacebookbut when I made my mom one too heslammed his head against the wall and accused my mom of being a terrible person and a terrible wife for making afacebookand wanting to talk to her friends. He keeps track of how long my mom talks on the phone and if it's over 15 minutes he yells at her for interacting with other people too much (even though hetalks way more). I remember overhearing him trying to put me in an arranged marriage with a 35 year old man from another country (luckily my mom stopped him). I am just turning 20 and this is only a very very small amount of things I have witnessed him do in my 20 years.

So because of this I can't study. I can't afford therapy so I was glad I could find this website. I can rant on here to get stuff off my brain. If anyone who has read this post from start to finish (thank you so so much if you have) has some advice for me that would be great. :)