Narcissistic parent dilemma
So about 5 years ago I moved countries to reunite with my twin who had been disowned by my parents (narcissistic dictator dad and victim helpless mom) and also for a fresh start to recover after developing what I later found out to be Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Within 2 years My physical and consequently my mental health declined and I isolated from practically everyone. When they didn’t hear back from me and knowing I was depressed and sick, my parents and my narcissist elder sister disowned me too without any words being spoken on either end. After a long period of guilt and shame I realized nobody else gave up on me except them and then I educated myself on narcissism, childhood trauma and emotional neglect, etc. I realized it was a blessing that I was out of that toxic environment that was never going to change. I have reached out twice since but no response. Slowly and painfully I’ve come to terms with this but last week I heard from my uncle who is one of the few that hasn’t been cut off by them that my dad is seriously ill. I’ve been anxious and guilty all week about all the things left unsaid and feel empathy for my mom as she will literally be isolated but at the same time I understand that that they won’t be able to handle me be totally honest with them for the first time. I don’t harbor any I’ll will for them, it’s just who they are. I still feel bad about it though. Any thoughts? Thank you.
Dear Aqua, I grew up in the same dad/ dictator narcissist, mom was victim and us kids just tried to survive. We all split into different directions and it was difficult functioning as an adult with this violent awful childhood. Now decades later and in therapy trying to sort it all out. Dad passed a few years ago and I was there because I was in denial about our family dynamics. I can see now how detrimental my childhood really was and it's affected every decision I've made . My mom is now very old/ sick and I have a different attitude about the whole mess. I'm ok not jumping to her beck and call anymore. One of my narcissist siblings took over her care/ life with threats and control, so I guess I decided to put my needs first for the very first time in my life. I'm in my 50s. I have no guilt. I didn't do anything wrong. I just had bad luck being born into a seriously dysfunctional family. So now I take care of myself and if I feel like seeing my mom or calling her I do. If I feel it's detrimental to my mental health I don't . Depends on the day. Still healing so I'm careful with my fragile state. Best to you hope my post helps you in some way. 💜ABB
Thank you ABB. Wow, it’s scary how similar our stories are and I am truly sorry you had to go through this too. In all honesty I didn’t have the awareness that I have now and the courage to take myself out of the toxic environment so they unknowingly did me a kindness by letting me go. I believe you are doing the right thing so stay strong and I wish you well🙏💜
My story is similar, but I had a hard-working, rarely home dad and narcissistic mom. She ended up with a disease in the Parkinson's family and passed last month. Last Sunday, Mothers Day, was really rough. It's different than regular grief, because there's a mix of relief over not having to deal with all that drama again, guilt over feeling relief, anger that she chose to not see that I was being molested and do something about it because it would make her look bad and genuine grief over that loss. That being said, I chose to maintain the relationship but emotionally detached from her, which allowed me to look at her behavior more objectively and not take her cutting comments personally. I hope the perspective of someone who has been there helps, I know it has to really suck right now.
After my narcissistic dad passed away I went into shock. It was a mixed bag of realizing I'd never had nor will have a normal relationship with him. Then the floodgates of denial came down and I had to face all my horrible childhood abuse. Coming to terms with it's damage to myself and my siblings was overwhelming,still is. I incurred a really bad sexual assault on top of all this grief and vulnerability. I have to say awareness is improving how I care for myself but facing my past and current trauma has been a daunting task to say the least. I am not now but I was suiciidall at one point. I am glad I have 7 cups to turn to in-between visits to therapy. It helps to know your not alone because it sure feels like it some days. Praying for all of us to find some peace and joy in this life. 💜ABB