Raped at childhood and couldn’t share it because of negligent parents
My dad(high school math teacher) was a disciplinarian but not a great communicator.. On the other hand,my mother(housewife with B.A certificate) had quite low emotional intelligence. As a result, i was born in an environment where fear was my Only companion. My childhood was almost a great example of strict parenting (from both)& beating (specially From mother)...I was afraid of asking the questions that a kid generally asks,showing emotions,communicate whatever u say..As a kid with no social skills,people called ma names and bullied me...Then at the age of 7,here comes a day when i was raped by one person very close to my family.. But I was so afraid of my parents that i couldn’t even tell them...
On the other hand, i didnt like the person do this to me at all...That 7 yr old kid thought to endure the pain and do nothing about it.But the event continued on various occasions. During the next 3 years, i was raped to the times i can not even count...This kind of traumatised events were happening to me continuously and i couldn’t find support to my family (as they were beating me too) or the society ( they were calling me names and bullying me since i was 4)...As a child,there was no existence of self-esteem at all...Although i was good at my studies general knowledge and arts but practical knowledge was close to zero...
Well, this was my childhood.....
With no practical knowledge, my only goal for my adolescent life was to study hard and succeed...but every time i work for something, i came very close and yet so faar..Low self-esteem was emerged throughout the whole time...
I was failed to get a chance at the scholarship section at class 8 (by 1 position),a talentpool scholarship at jsc (by 3 position),getting a scholarship at ssc and after that i missed BUET(which was my dream from class 5) from waiting list(1384 position)...
Then i got myself admitted to KUET... After all these, i didn’t stop fighting with my childhood low self-esteem issues...But after trying twice very hard to get cgpa 3.5, i managed 3.37...again so close yet so far...
This time i gave up... I was hopelss, demotivated and most importantly have no one to share to...my rational prefrontal cortex wanted to fight it again but my limbic amygdala gave up this time...This leads to anxiety attacks,insomnia,poor stress management, depression... I had no motivation to pursue any of my dreams at all...
I still remember that i had 5 days to prepare for an exam but i cried 4.5 days straight at a single room...i passed that exam studying only 3 hours..this incident happened just 3 months before pandemic(January 13 to January 17th)...
Then came the pandemic...
I was done with myself...as i promised hard to change my identity this time...i have read over 50 books about psychology, religion, meditation, motivation, self-help books to find a way to change my identity...but all those books gave me rational answers,almost no practical solution to change my identify once and for all... I had no problem of willpower i can assure you that... As during the time i had lost 22 kg weights and pulled of some good routines...
I have workout for 5 hours in a day with 2300 calorie food intake (plus 3tutions) over 2 months... I have tracked my behaviours, thought patterns over 5 months by documenting over 40 catagories...
After all this, i still could not be able to change my low self-esteemed identity carrying from childhood...
In case of civil Engineering, i am not finding any passion,willpower or urge... I am becoming hopeless again & that resulted to hinder all the progress that i have done over the pandemic time...as my exam approaching, i am again feeling the same anxiety attacks, insomnia, depressions..
.Do u have any practical suggestion to change my low self-esteemed identity???
I would be very grateful to you if you give some perceptions about my problem..❤️
Dear @DaifMahmoud205 first of all may I say you are a very resilient person! No child should have to go through abuse and trauma. You deserved love and support.
How do you feel about that 7year old?
From your words (I hope I'm wrong) you comment that the kid did nothing about it. What could she have done? It was the adults around her who had the knowledge of making decisions who were responsible for supporting a young child. It was not your task. Self forgiveness and self compassion I'm finding are key to self esteem. Especially when you have been let down by those around you (they too were likely to have been acting out of their own trauma though this does not excuse their behaviour).
You mention many intellectual details but you do not mention the most important thing humans need- connection and support. You do not have to do this alone. Have you sought support from a therapist to guide you along the way? In some cases you cannot reason intellectually with trauma.
I am currently trying EMDR therapy - I do it online as not very available near me. Im trying to move away from the mind thinking and rationalising.
I do hope you can find kindness and proper support you deserve
This was the massage that i gave it to a therapist at 11th August,2021...now i am consulting one....he gave me medication and did some reframing... I have told this to some people and they have been good to me..i have found my 35 symptoms and 40 triggers of the emotional flashbacks i was having at that time...and gave it to the therapist i am working with...with time people change...i think i did too....
More often than not its the quality of relationship with the quality of people determines our happiness i guess...
@jadukor so sorry seems I made mistake in tagging.
I'm glad you reached out and that you gave a therapist.
Be patient with yourself, be kind. You are addressing many issues so it is important that you are extra gentle with yourself.
Yes I agree the quality of the connections we make is what can help us lead better lives.
I wish you well on this journey back to your own self
Wish it didn’t happen😐
