Struggling in my Life

Might as well get this out here.
TW: domestic abuse, depression, tric, derm, bullying, molestation **PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU WILL GET TRIGGERED, I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYONE !! ***

Well my name is Christina, I just need to write something about myself to get it off my chest and help me feel better about myself. Currently, I am 17 and a Junior in HS.

I grew up in an abusive household, living in a small apartment of NYC. I'm Brooklyn, born and raised - people except me to be tough and streetsmart. To be honest, I'm the exact opposite. Sure, I know the streets of Brooklyn and Manhattan, but I've always been scared to go outside for extended periods of time. I get anxious about every little thing, actually: tests, grades, parents, you name it. Anything that requires some kind of responsibility I am scared because... well... I'm not entirely sure yet.

My father was never home, and when he was, he was an alcoholic in front of the TV. He works in the prison facility, and I think that is what messed him psych up over time. He's a great person when sober, and we share similiar interests (or maybe I've strived to be his pride and joy). We both love thrash metal and I introduce him to new bands. However when we are at concerts together and he drinks too much, I have to carry him halfway and let him throw up in the street drains. He's mostly a happy drunk then... however, when on vacation with me and my mother, he turns into a completely different person and will throw furniture at both of us and physically hurt us.
I remember and I still have nightmares of being a toddler and seeing his shadow throwing books at my mother and hurting her. I feel bad for her. I really do. I try to help her but it's the stereotypical "he loves me so much" situation. "He didn't mean to."

But then I come upon the realization of how much I hate my mother, and with the twisted mindset I've grown up with, I don't feel as bad. Why? My mother is straight edge but she acts like my father randomly. She loves me so much-- that it sickens me-- and is the mother hen. She refused to let me buy bras and people would bully me in the lockerroom because I didn't know better. She thought they were "sexual" and she beat the living shit out of me when she found out I masturbated, too. I was with my boyfriend for 2 years, and we were LDR, but she was convinced he was terrible and she got mad at me enough to beat me in front of him (because apparently being 16 I cannot make out with anyone?). Keep in mind, I'm a virgin, however my mother constantly emotionally abuses me about being a slut, whore, cocksucker, just because she thought I was touching his groin area. Sorry if this is a bit graphic, but it gets me so mad.

She can be a great person, don't get me wrong. If we fight, she thinks an "apology" is buying whatever I want. I'm oblivious, I used to take that bait and forget everything she had done to me, until the next day she would kick me out of the house for the night just because I didn't want to eat what she cooked. I admitted I was depressed, and she didn't understand: she beated me until I made up a reason for my depression, like saying I was being bullied in school. In reality, I think my depression comes from them. I don't have much family to begin with, and considering most of my family hates my parents (for all the right reasons) they want to avoid me, too.

When I was little, I was molested, but I don't want to talk about that segment of my life because I am getting panic attacks just thinking about it. I'm not ready to address that part of myself.

Growing up, I found ways to cope with my growing self-hatred: I bit on my skin until I bled, where I'd have blood marks all over my written works in elementary. I had to talk to councilors because I drew people dying and myself dead. I started picking at my eyebrows and my hair because it gave me some sort of relief. I would just have hours of picking sessions in my bathroom until my eyebrows were gone or a patch of my hair went missing. I would lock myself in the bathroom and crawl out through the window to escape my mom's mental teasing and threats of hitting me.

Growing up I was also bullied for my sexuality, and nobody wanted to talk to me in my classroom because I liked girls. Thankfully in my HS there are more accepting people. At least I found some sort of solution for being pansexual.

For my 16th birthday my dad got so drunk he staretd to choke my mom and I was forced to call for help while he kicked me out of the room and told me I was garbage and I should just go kill myself. I called security but they didn't believe me. I was so scared for the rest of the night that I think that is the one image of my dad I'm so scared of: choking my mom with a telephone wire and being unable to get help. I don't know why I was put in this situation. I didn't do anything wrong, I think. The worst I've done is hit back at my mom when she hurts me, then she is convinced I started the fight. I don't know. I just wish someone understood my situation.

There's a lot more I didn't discuss, but yeah. That's my shit life. Just like everyone says, "At least you have a plate of food in front of you and a roof over your head. Not many people have that."
Sorry for the long wall of text