Trying and failing? to heal from trauma

Hello! I could really use some support!

A few months ago, at the beginning of quarantine, I stopped talking to everyone in my family. My parents are both narcissistic abusers, switching between pretending I didn't exist and abusing me as a way to project unprocessed trauma in their own lives. My whole life has been miserable, largely because they were always there. Even when they weren't, I felt constantly terrified, like they were over my shoulder. And I still feel the same way now, even though I haven't talked to them in months.

I was so gaslit and abused that I can't even believe myself and my own point of view. I feel like they were right, I'm not really hurt. I'm just overdramatic and I like victimizing myself. I find myself thinking up the voices of enablers saying that family bonds are eternal and a mother's/father's love is necessary in everyone's lives. And I don't want to go back to them, I really don't. I'm so scared of them I don't think I could. But it's so hard to know that I've done this. I never could've thought it would be this hard, because I haven't loved them for years, but I feel like I've sunk down to their level by abandoning them out of nowhere. I feel very lost and very small. I'm not sure what anyone could say, but I'd appreciate anything lol