(Tw) Being put back into an abusive situation
I was s*xually abused for a few years by a cousin. The past three or so I’ve been able to avoid him, and I thought this year I wouldn’t have to worry about because of COVID, but I guess I was wrong. My parents are making me go with them to a little family reunion around Thanksgiving.
Its three days long, with like 8 people, stretched across two houses. It’s too late for me to conveniently schedule something at the same time, and I’m sure if I tried to fake sick he’d offer to stay home with me and ‘make sure I’m ok’. I tried to tell my mom, but I’m still too scared to give her a name and now she thinks I’m making it up. He’s so good at trapping me alone, and everyone thinks he’s just such an angel for being so nice to me.
I have 10 days. And I keep trying to tell myself that maybe I did make it up, and everything is going to be fine, but I can’t convince myself of that. I’m praying that if I play my cards right by some miracle I’ll end up okay, but I’m believing that less and less. I really don’t want it to happen again but it kind of feels like my only option at this point.
At the very least, if it happens again I can go get a kit and then it will all be over with, in theory. I don’t have enough proof right now and I can’t risk him finding out I told people while he can still access me. I’m determined to make it until Christmas, and I am going to do whatever it takes to make it there. Fighting for my life or getting other people involved is probably going to stop me from getting that.
I don’t want to have to do this again, I really don’t, but I’m in between a rock and a hard place right now
@gregsburyfields Hello. I'm sorry that you're facing this situation. I can understand why you're afraid to give your parent a name. There's probably a fear of her confronting him, of bring everything out into the light. I do hope at some point in time you feel strong enough and comfortable enough to tell someone. Because he shouldn't get away with it and if he's doing this to you, chances are that he's doing it to someone else too. I know how hard it can be to keep yourself safe during these family gatherings because there is usually so much commotion it's easy to get lost in the shuffle. With this being so stressful you're going to be hyper vigilant. Try your best to make sure you're never alone with him, if you have a phone, try to keep it on you at all times. If for no other reason, you can pretend to be talking with someone if you see he might be trying to get you alone. It doesn't have to ring because it could just be on vibrate. I can't promise you that it will work but it might give you some room to get to safety. Remember you don't have to fight fair. Should he trap you some where, a nice aim to the groin can ruin his day and you're well within your rights to protect yourself. You can also use your voice. A loud no or even a scream can be quite attention getting. I wish there was more I could offer you and I apologize if I overstepped or said anything to upset you. You will be in my thoughts and I hope that nothing more happens. Please take good care of yourself.
You didn’t overstep at all, and thank you for your response. The things I still worry about are him convincing other people to leave the house, like volunteering to ‘take care of the kids’ while everyone else goes and gets drinks, and the fact that he’s stronger than me. Usually his first priority when he has access to me is just immediately to get any means of escape or recording off my person, and then just restraint. I usually try to hide or fight back but it’s kind of pointless when he’s a foot and 90 pounds larger than me.
If he tries to get everyone to go somewhere else, I’m hoping I can come up with an excuse to leave the house before he can steal my keys. It’s still not accounting for nights, but I’m sure I can figure something out.
I’m super scared of any sort of objection on my part, there’s some things he’ll excuse but if I actively try to hit back he’s pretty quick to shut that down. It should only be a problem if he gets me alone in the house or if I’m too far away from everyone else when I’m sleeping, but when there’s 8 people stretched across 2 houses for 3 days, it’s hard to guarantee he won’t get the chance.
I’m sorry, this is 100% my problem and I probably shouldn’t be dragging you further into it. But thank you for your kind words and advice, I really appreciate it
@gregsburyfields Oh no, please, you aren't dragging me into anything. It's okay too, if you'd rather not talk about it anymore, I respect that.
I would love to be able to talk you into to telling your parents because it's not safe for you to go there. It's not safe for you to be anywhere near him. Well, he's not safe for anyone. And I'm afraid that from as planned as it sounds on his part you're unfortunately not the only one he has done this to. I really can understand the fear you feel given his size alone. Would there be anyway that you would be able to sleep in the same room as your parents? Even if it would mean sleeping on the floor. Then you could sleep safely.
I just wish there was something more I could offer as suggestions. Some way to assure your safety. My heart aches for you knowing you're in this situation and how scary it feels to know what could be waiting and how you basically need a miracle to prevent it. I know you'll do everything you can to keep yourself as safe as possible. You will definitely be in my thoughts and I hope that he doesn't get the opportunity to get anywhere near you. I pray with all I have that he doesn't.
(leaving you a safe gentle hug, no pressure of course) ❤️
Thank you, again.
I don’t know if I’d be able to sleep with my parents without sufficient reasoning (which I have, I just can’t say it). I’m past the age where I can just use ‘nightmares’ as an excuse and it’s hard to really gauge what I can say without him finding out. I told my mom about the incident, vaguely, but I was too scared to give her a name, so now she thinks I made it up. Then she told my dad and some of her family members, which I really didn’t want her to do.
I’m at the point where if I felt like I could report him safely, I would, it’s just when he’s so close and I have so little evidence, there’s no promise that I can really do anything and not have him try to hurt me. It’s happened before, when I tried to call someone or threatened to tell on him. He described in detail what he’d do to me if I said anything, and I doubt it’s an empty threat based on what he did do to me after just bringing it up. I don’t know if my parents would take any action, and when they’re so prone to sharing information like that I worry that word would travel really fast. If anything happens again I’ll go and get a kit, and then I feel like I’d have enough proof. But the police around here are infamous for not doing anything in these situations, and again, if he finds out and nothing gets done in time, it’s not going to end well for me.
I don’t know. I’m not sure what’s going to happen, I just want to come out of it as okay as possible. I might not be able to stop it, but it’s nice to know someone at least cares a little. I’m kind of anticipating it, and maybe I shouldn’t, but it just kind of feels useless to try and run after a solution if there isn’t one.
Sorry, again, this is a lot and I feel like I’m being somewhat unreasonable, but I appreciate your talking with me
@gregsburyfields I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's hard to know what he's thinking, if he would follow through with his threats. But any injury he causes you would also be proof and a kit would provide DNA. Even if the police wouldn't do anything, which I would hope they would as you're a minor. Although they should regardless of anyone's age. But it would provide proof at the very least to your parents. Will there be other cousins there? Maybe another around your own age? You could stick close with them and share a sleeping area. If he visits during that time, I would hope a scream would roust enough people in the house to bring them in to check things out. I would hope that they would notice the fear on your face and if he's still in the room, I would hope that someone would put it all together enough to figure it out. I do apologize though, I don't mean to push or pressure you into anything. We're just concerned about you.
I think I’ll be the youngest there, everyone else is quite a bit older. It’s kind of the same situation, I can’t really say anything because they’re so much closer to him than they are to me. They probably wouldn’t be opposed, if there aren’t enough rooms. If there are they probably don’t want me with them. I’m hoping if I can find a room close to everyone else they’ll notice me, but I don’t know if I’ll freeze up, or I won’t be close enough to wake anyone up, or if he’ll try to move me at all, or if he’ll shut me up before I can do anything.
I don’t know what he’d do to me if I tried to scream. These are all fantastic suggestions, if it was guaranteed that it would work I’d go along with them no question. Maybe now that I’m older I can handle myself better or run faster or something.
I’ve thought about running away but it just kind of feels pointless. It would just hurt people and it wouldn’t necessarily stop anything. My original plan is kind of feeling like the best option. Which I really don’t like, but I want to come out the other side of this and I don’t want to get anyone hurt.
Sorry, I feel like I might be paranoid. And thanks again, you’re being extremely helpful and I am so grateful for that
@gregsburyfields You're welcome. I know it's not much but having someone listen and believe what we're saying makes a difference
I think the paranoia is probably justified. Its happened before and yeah some time has passed but the memories are still there. I have faith in you that you'll handle this the best way you can. Sometimes that's all we can do
You will be in my thoughts though - so I hope it won't bother you if I check in with you 🙂
Stay strong!
@gregsburyfields Just wanted to pop in and say hey :)
You've been in my thoughts. I hope you're safe and that nothing happened ❤
Thanks for checking in. I’m okay, my mom decided she wanted to stay the whole weekend so I volunteered to take my brother home. He groped me once but he couldn’t get me alone long enough to hurt me, so I’ll be fine. I’ll have to deal with him eventually but I’m good for now, thank you!
@gregsburyfields You're welcome! I'm glad you're ok. I'm sorry he still was able to touch you but so grateful that nothing more happened. I'm really glad that you were able to get away by taking your brother home. I hope for now you can breathe alittle easier. Maybe until that eventually happens you'll be able to talk with someone that can prevent it from happening at all
Stay strong and take care :)
