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gregsburyfields
7,629 M Moving Along 7
PathStep 18 Compassion hearts186 Forum posts12 Forum upvotes39 Current upvotes39 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2022 Member sinceJanuary 15, 2021
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Roe V. Wade is really screwing with me
Trauma Support / by gregsburyfields
Last post
 June 27th, 2022
...See more I don’t want this to be political, for the record. This is my life and my health. I am so done. I wake up Friday morning and tap through Instagram stories only to realize that the thing I’ve been avoiding thinking about and trying to convince myself didn’t exist finally came to fruition. Roe v. Wade was overturned. I was sexually abused for 4 years from 9-12, until I got my period and started finding ways to avoid him. Now that quarantine is over though, I don’t think I’ll be able to hide much longer. I have a few months before I have to see him again, but I think it’ll at least be for a few nights when I do. He’s a family member so he’s not very easily avoidable. He’s already catching on to what I’m trying to do, he made that clear with our last interaction. I’ve tried to tell my parents about it but they don’t believe me, so as far as I’m concerned, I’m stuck. I was already terrified thinking about the fact that in 4-5 months my life is probably going to be completely torn apart, but add onto that the possibility of another 9 months and possibly 18 years of hell and I don’t know if I can handle the pressure. My health isn’t in good shape as it stands and I don’t imagine a pregnancy would help with that. My options right now are to take that risk and be able to file a case or risk my entire life. I’m in a very red state, by the end of July I’m not going to have any access to abortion whatsoever and I really don’t have the means to go elsewhere. There’s always the possibility that he won’t do anything I guess, but judging by his behavior the last time I saw him just for a few hours I don’t imagine that’s very likely. It has always been scary. But before I was able to think about it as this one scary thing that can make all the other scary things go away. Now it’s this one scary thing that could end up leading to 9 months of constant reminder of that scary thing. I’m just trying to tread water right now. I want out. It is so loud. I’m trying not to think about it or pay attention but even without social media it’s just constantly on my mind. I want to enjoy my life, before and after future inevitable events, but that’s no longer guaranteed to me. I know I’m not the only person affected by this. I don’t want my melodramatic relaying of events to come across as self centered as it reads. But it’s terrifying to watch someone light the match to set your world on fire. I love my life right now and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but right now I am so tired.
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I want my life back
Trauma Support / by gregsburyfields
Last post
 June 19th, 2022
...See more I don’t want a lawsuit. I don’t want an apology. I don’t want to see you thrown in prison for the rest of your life. I want my goddamn life back. I want those years you stole from me, all those experiences that will never be normal again. Because while everyone else was out preparing for the rest of their lives, mine revolved around you. Now that it doesn’t I am so far behind and I’m trying to figure out exactly how much I’m going to have to give up. You didn’t just steal my virginity, you didn’t just steal a few years, you stole my entire life. I want it back.
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I can’t help but want to go back
Trauma Support / by gregsburyfields
Last post
 May 10th, 2022
...See more I miss him. Like, a lot. I know that I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I want him to take me back. For some reason I feel like there’s a part of me that’s missing without him. Why’d he ever leave me in the first place? Was I just not fun anymore? Was I not worth the trouble? I can be fun again. I can be worth the trouble, just let me prove it. My entire life centered around him, for years. I pulled away first, but I guess I didn’t realize how irreversible that would be. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I know how perverse all of this is. In a week I’ll be appalled I ever had the thought. But I really did love him. I still do, I think, and so there’s all of this fearful love with nowhere to put. I want him to love me like he used to, to hate me like he used to. It feels like that’s all I was or am ever good for. I try so hard to move on but I always fall back to him. Just take me. I’m yours. I’m done fighting.
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(Tw) Being put back into an abusive situation
Trauma Support / by gregsburyfields
Last post
 November 27th, 2021
...See more I was s*xually abused for a few years by a cousin. The past three or so I’ve been able to avoid him, and I thought this year I wouldn’t have to worry about because of COVID, but I guess I was wrong. My parents are making me go with them to a little family reunion around Thanksgiving. Its three days long, with like 8 people, stretched across two houses. It’s too late for me to conveniently schedule something at the same time, and I’m sure if I tried to fake sick he’d offer to stay home with me and ‘make sure I’m ok’. I tried to tell my mom, but I’m still too scared to give her a name and now she thinks I’m making it up. He’s so good at trapping me alone, and everyone thinks he’s just such an angel for being so nice to me. I have 10 days. And I keep trying to tell myself that maybe I did make it up, and everything is going to be fine, but I can’t convince myself of that. I’m praying that if I play my cards right by some miracle I’ll end up okay, but I’m believing that less and less. I really don’t want it to happen again but it kind of feels like my only option at this point. At the very least, if it happens again I can go get a kit and then it will all be over with, in theory. I don’t have enough proof right now and I can’t risk him finding out I told people while he can still access me. I’m determined to make it until Christmas, and I am going to do whatever it takes to make it there. Fighting for my life or getting other people involved is probably going to stop me from getting that. I don’t want to have to do this again, I really don’t, but I’m in between a rock and a hard place right now
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I’m a little lost
Trauma Support / by gregsburyfields
Last post
 November 23rd, 2021
...See more Pardon me, I accidentally started to write this in a different section but it posted before I could really finish it and I don’t know how to delete it lol I’m kind of inconsolable right now. My therapist finally told me he doesn’t think it happened, my moms told like 6 different people, none of whom believe me, and I’m just kind of lost. The more people she tells for her own well-being, the higher the likelihood that information reaches him, and I really need that information to stay away from him. My moms made me start seeing her therapist, because he thinks it’s just some Freudian amalgamation of my psyche, something like ‘your subconscious is all just an interpretation of yourself’, but that can’t be it, right? He’s a nice enough guy but I’m just so scared, and no meditation exercise is going to remedy that entirely. Maybe there isn’t someone out there who wants to kill me, but I still feel like there is. Maybe that’s not a cause for concern, but I still have those memories, and false or not they’re keeping me from doing anything. I just wish anyone would take me seriously. Everyone on this app and on others has been fantastic, and I really do appreciate that, but I just can’t do it by myself anymore. I’m doubting more and more that I made it up. It’s just a long line of coincidences that would’ve had to happen for me to make it up. Maybe it’s confirmation bias or something, but I’m just so lost. I feel weird going along with everyone else’s interpretation of my experiences, because if there is someone who wants to murder me, I feel like I should be aware of that. Everyone’s response is just ‘you’re making it up, stop stressing yourself out’, but what if I’m not?
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I don’t know what to do
Trauma Support / by gregsburyfields
Last post
 November 8th, 2021
...See more No one believes me. I finally sucked it up and told my mom, but she just told 6 other people because it was ‘stressful for her too’. Maybe everyone’s right, and this is all just some big Freudian amalgamation of some weird psychological disorder, but regardless, I’m really scared. Now I gave someone a name, and I don’t know why I keep crossing the line when it never does anything for me. Every one step I take, the next person takes 5 more, and I’m just praying it doesn’t go in his direction. I don’t like imagining what he’d do to me if he found out.
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Does anyone else feel like they're making it up?
Trauma Support / by gregsburyfields
Last post
 April 29th, 2021
...See more (I sincerely apologize if I'm totally doing this wrong this is my first time trying to post on one of these forums) It's hard to explain, because when I bring this up people usually say that they sometimes feel that way. But for me it's like, constant. I feel like I'm so confused all the time, and all the details are so hazy I am always second-guessing myself. It's almost like if not for bodily trauma and PTSD, I could just as well say it hadn't ever occurred. I don't know, does anyone else ever feel that way?
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