Unpleasant memory

I was emotionally abused by my dad’s sister’s family for 6 years. There were worst things that happened but this specific event is easy to describe. I was probably 7 or 8, my cousin raped me. The worst part is I pretended to be asleep as it happened. I still have a lot of questions in my head right now about that incident but I’ve been afraid to think of. Because it makes me feel disgusted with myself. Anyhow, this is weirdly not as bad as when everyone in that house all went to a concert one night while leaving me, still 8 or 9 to stay in that house alone. All the cousins, the nephew that’s younger than me, the aunts and uncles even the maids. All went to the concert. But I was left alone in that house. That feeling feels much worse than the rape for some reason. It’s like I shouldn’t exist. Like my existence brings them such discomfort.