Was I sexually abused as a child? Help!
Hello, I’m new here. I wanted to share my story and get your thoughts. Throughout my child and teenage years, I have always felt uncomfortable around my father. I love him dearly, and he loves me and would never hurt me, but I wonder if some reoccurring scenarios would be considered sexual abuse. I have memories of these things occurring mostly through my teen and college years. He would always slap my butt- several times a week to hear the whacking sound. He would poke me in my sides even though I was jumpy and told him it inflicted pain- but he was just “messing around.” And all the time, I would somehow accidentally walk in on him as he was changing, and he would always make a big deal about it to the whole family about “how come Ashley always walks in on me when I’m in my underwear” “she does it on purpose to see me” which obviously wasn’t true. When I was in college, I discovered porn history on his computer and found photos on his phone of someone I think he may have been having an affair with. He never tried to molest me or anything, but these things have bothered me deeply for years. I feel so uncomfortable and never want to hug him and am always jumpy around him. It’s sort of a similar situation with my grandfather- except he would actually make sexual comments to me about being sexy and having great boobs. Now I’m married and really struggle with intimacy. My husband is amazing and so sweet, but a lot of times when he is getting undressed, being sexual, wanting me to touch him, etc- I get so uncomfortable and it gives me anxiety. Which I hate because he’s my husband! So what do you think? I know so many others have been through real sexual trauma, and I’ve debated for years wondering if I just have issues or anxiety for no reason. Are my fears / anxieties reasonable? I just have no one to talk to about this so I appreciate the feedback. Thanks in advance.
@blueLemon2992
1) You told them to stop their behaviours, that their behaviours caused you pain, and you felt that their behaviours were inappropriate
2) Their behaviours have now resulted in you feeling discomfort with sexual intamacy and negatively impacts upon your marriage with your husband.
It is sufficient that their behaviours were inappropriate, invasive of your boundaries, and caused subsequent negative effects to your life and marriage and psychological health, to be considered abusive. Your fears are completely reasonable. Having experienced those circumstances, its completely understandable that you would now have a distorted perception of sexual intimacy with males, since all the male role-models in your life consistently demonstrated inappropriate physical boundaries.
None of this was your fault - ! Your father did the wrong thing and made excuses for his bad bahviour. But at the same time, your husband is not your father. Your husband is not your grandfather. Your fears are completely reasonable - but they don't need to be set in stone. They are your past, but they don't need to be your destiny! You don't need to allow your fears to define you, and it's not fair to your husband if you let your fears define your marriage either. I think it will definitely benefit you to get some counselling or therapy to help you work through your fears and issues.
Wishing you courage & strength on your journey forward~!
CatsInTheCradle
@blueLemon2992,. I'm sorry these behaviors happened to you. If they bothered you then and are still bothering you now, that's inappropriate behavior period. You were affected and none of that is your fault. I had a similar experience with my father he used to snap my bra from behind me without warning. It made me very uncomfortable. I never said anything because he was a violent controlling narcissist so I kept my mouth shut. I had some uncomfortable feelings at my neighbors home as they had a swimming pool , when I was 13 I had a "D" cup on a tiny frame. All the " Uncle's" that hung out at the pool made me feel really uncomfortable and unsafe so I stopped going there after I turned 13. Anyway I guess my point is you can't stop going to the home you live in as a child and it's supposed to feel safe and comfortable. I am in therapy for many different reasons and on 7 cups for support, I do alot of journaling and art therapy. Just thought to tell you my experience so you know that what happened was not ok! Your fears and anxieties are not unreasonable and those feelings are trying to tell you something, listen to your gut instinct. you are not alone. ABB 💜