Why can
Ok so this is my first post. I am hoping to find that I am not alone in this.
I am 28 years old. Currently in my fourth year of medical school(going for pediatrics!!). You could say I was the one that got out. Growing up my family divorced early and I was left with my mom who had a significant drug issue. She would leave me home alone at 11 for a few days at a time. My dad took my brothers. Long story short she would have this guy come look after me. And he is 100% where my trauma/abuse issues stem from.
Fast forward to now. I have had quite a few physical and sexual abusive relationships. The few normal ones I had I absolutely hated. I have this mindset that if hes not mean to me it must not be love etc etc. I am currently engaged and surprise even though I love this man, he knows how to make me panic. Im a walking doormat. And Im just wondering why cant I have a normal relationship? Its this nauseating cycle that I am convinced will never change all because of behaviors I learned when I was younger. I see all these women my age leave a man in a second if he says the wrong thing, and I am jealous of that.
Anyways, I would appriciate any advice or just know that Im not the only one.
Hi @calmField384. Well done for being brave enough to post your story, I guess from what you have said your childhood couldn't have been easy for you. But despite all that you are in med school!! Well done you, and you have picked such a good area to go for to. Respect. You must be good at studying and learning to get that far in med school, it must take real application.
I'm guessing but probably being left on your own when you were 11 for a few days at a time wasn't an easy thing to deal with. And then when your mum had this guy come over to look after you, that was also a tough thing for you to deal with.
You seem to realise that this childhood has lead to behaviours in your adult life that are not the best for you, but are a direct result of what happened to you in childhood, am I right?
I have this mindset that if hes not mean to me it must not be love etc etc. - and is that the mindset you want to have? is it the mindset that is in your best interest? Is it right to say that you somewhere in groing form a child to an adult you learnt to adopt mindset? And I am just wondering that when you read what you wrote in your post, what you think about it? Do you think you could ever replace it with another more useful mindset? eg that if hes mean to me, it must not be love etc etc?
I am convinced will never change all because of behaviors I learned when I was younger - Just because you are convinced, it doesn't necessrily make it true. There was a time when people were convinced the earth was flat!! You learnt these behaviours, and if you learnt these ones then you can learn other ones. And when learn other ones, more useful ones, I wonder what you see your future looking like?
I see all these women my age leave a man in a second if he says the wrong thing, and I am jealous of that. - I'm just wondering how useful this thought is to you, ie, is being jealous of them going to make any differnce to your situation? If that is the behaviour you want then what do you have to do to get to that position where you to could be one of those women? What do you need to change first?
I firmly believe and I'm guessing that you do to that your past does not have to equal your future if you use the time you have today to break the cycle.
I hope this helps. I am a listener who offers long term support and please feel free to reply or message me if you want a live chat or further support.
Take care
paul
@calmPaul281
Those are some really good points Paul. Knowing that I can do this and break a cycle is great! Just gotta work my way through getting over these fears that hold me back. I think its really coming down to not letting my feeling overwhelm me in the moment. And just being able to set boundaries and walk away. Which on text sounds amazing. But when it comes down to it Im not sure if its fear of abandonment or what. But that panic hits pretty hard in the moment. Im optimistic, I feel like the older I get the more understanding I have. Thank you for reaching out.
@calmField384
Hi. You are more than welcome.
Just gotta work my way through getting over these fears that hold me back. - yes, I think you'll agree its the fear that holds most people back. Soemtimes you just have to ask yourself, what am I fearful of? And sometimes, for a alot of people, it is a fear of the unknown.
But that panic hits pretty hard in the moment. - yes I get that. Sometimes a distraction can help when then panic hits. Panic can come from thinking, so what might help you is to get out of your head so to speak and do something, which might or not be related. Panic isn't a good place to make any progress from, am I right?
Im optimistic, I feel like the older I get the more understanding I have - Good, now I know one advantage of getting older!!
Take care
paul
Its not easy coming from abusive relationships no matter how minimal or severe the abuse was. It can be a struggle, and you may find yourself trying to revert back what youve experienced beforehand as its what you think you should do. ( Ive struggled with this in the past personally because of past emotional abuse I experienced by several former acquaintances and lovers.) Over time, with a good support system and professional help, you can overcome this and continue onto more healthy, fulfilling, and enjoyable paths for you. Stay strong!
I understand how you feel in a lot of ways. Somehow what happened when we were little affects us years later. I know I am willing to accept losers because my dad wasn't in my life growing up and I'm willing to give the loser a chance, maybe he'll be happy to love me back. It's hard to kick them to the curb when they do something obnoxious. Twisted thinking for sure!
And then, it can get complicated with sex.. I like it rough and kinda kinky which can lead to abusive relationships outside of the bedroom. And yet, the nice guys are sweet/loving and boring in bed. How do you convince yourself that the physical part is, or isn't a good way?? Bad boys are hard to walk away from... you're destroyed with them and miss them terriblly without...
