Will I ever be ok again?
Hi, my name is Bethaney. When I was 16 I got in to a relationship with a boy who was 2 years older. At first he was perfect but after a few months he turned verbally and physically abusive. I then discovered that he had schizophrenia and had stopped taking his tablets, so I stayed with him, because he was unwell and I loved him. After about six months of non stop abuse, that became progressively more violent I got him to take his tablets again. The abuse subsided for a while but it soon reappeared even on his medication, I was weak from trying to save him, but I couldn't leave him, I'd become so dependent, I'd pushed away all of my friends and family, I dropped to a size six, my body was beaten tired and bruised. He'd fractured my hip, thrown a knife at my head, and worse, and the emotional abuse was horrific. I finally left him after two years, because he went to attack my mum. My family had no idea what had been going on, I hid it well.
I'm now 21 and it's been nearly 4 years since I left him. But somehow I still can't sleep for nightmares and I still have panic attacks if I'm cornered. I still have to deal with hip pain that will never heal. I feel like after all this time, I should be better. But I still class myself as a victim and not a survivor..
Hi Bethany
Victim/Survivor.......What's in a name? I think there tends to be this relentless push to get to a stage where you can shout out that you're a survivor, but acceptance comes first. You were a victim, and maybe you feel you still are, especially as you're still suffering. You need time to accept the tough time you had, to lick your wounds, to process it. Actually, you are a survivor in a literal sense, you got through it. But it's one thing to survive, and another to actually live.
I wonder what support you have to come to terms with your experiences? You describe it as non stop abuse. That has a major impact on anyone, and it's no surprise to hear you have panic attacks and nightmares. I was never a believer in talking about things. I would bottle things up - some things are too shameful to be spoken of anyway, or so I thought. But I'm a convert now. I've experienced the benefits of getting it all out there. But it's not just about airing it, but also about taking small steps to come to terms with it, and to eventually overcome it.
You got out - that takes tremendous strength in itself. Now draw on that strength to take the next steps, and get the support you need. Start challenging some of those beliefs you have about yourself. Be brave. There's no 'should be better' here, but just a giving yourself the best chance to recover that you possibly can, and taking it just one day at a time. You will get there Bethany.
@Bloo101
