Will I ever feel better?
For two years, I dated a guy who was mentally and physically abusive. I was not allowed to talk to, or hang out with, anyone without his permission. I wasnt allowed to have friends, even though he would encourage me to. But that was only when he wanted to hang out with his friends. Being with him made me think all of this was normal. That boys shouldnt hang out with girls, girls like me shouldnt hang out with boys. When he found out about one boy, which I did lie about hanging out with because I desperately wanted a friend, he raised a fist at me. And while he didnt throw it that day, I shouldve known to run away.
During our breakup, he punched and kicked the walls- even put a few holes in. And ever since, Ive been an extremely skittish and easy-to-frighten person.
My current boyfriend had a bad day and while venting to me about it, he was slamming trashcans back into their places (at work) and raising his voice and so I hurried away and had to stop myself from crying or being afraid of him.
I dont know if this will ever go away. I really wish it would. I dont want it to affect my relationships or how jumpy I am or anything.
I feel like I always have to explain why I am like this. And I blame it all on my ex. So that in turn makes me feel like Im forever scarred by the events with him and that Im forever going to be that girl mentioning her ex. I dont know what to do. I just want it to stop.
@AnxietyDeity
Is fair to blame it all on your ex because it was him who traumatized you. Is completly normal your brain is jumpy, he doesn't know what is right or wrong anymore so any sound or movement he'll react jumpy. I react the same way.
My advice here is to honestly seek a therapist if you can. Try to see if the state where you live offers you free help, and if it does go to one. With trauma and abusive relationships is very important to after it have help, so you can heal in a safe way and that your future relationships don't pay the price. Afterall you went through so much, you deserve to be happy :)
I can relate. I know how hard it can be to recover from living in an enviroment like that. *hugs*
I think finding a safe place to live, away from contact with him, is probably one of the best things you can do to start to heal from it. Honestly, the effects of the trauma may never entirely go away, but time may soften some of the effects and help you to move on. Try and remember that his actions weren't your fault. They were to do with him - an expression of his suffering, anger or mental health problems. You didn't deserve to have to deal with him lashing out in that way.
I also agree with the above comment suggesting finding someone to talk to who is a professional. They may be able to help you process what happened, work on your own emotional state, and focus on yourself and your own goals and needs. If that's not an option, even just talking to a close friend may help - anyone who lifts you up rather than bringing you down.
You are a strong person to have been able to survive that situation, to get out of it, and to reach out for help here. I'm thinking of you and wishing you the very best for the next chapter of your life.
@AnxietyDeity Please don't worry about feeling this way!
I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for 2 years, several years ago. and to this day I still feel persistent fear if my current boyfriend is angry, even though I know he would never intentionally hurt me.
It is definitely worth looking into some professional therapy, but more importantly it takes a lot of time to heal from trauma. please go at your own pace and don't feel worried about completely rational fears. xx
