my life, cleaner language sorry

Born December 18th 1992. My first memory is one of abuse, and that abuse (physically from my mother, emotionally from my father) continued till i was sixteen. During this time my mother broke almost every bone i have, and my father stole my sanity and confidence. To point out that i have a large family, i became familiar with death at a young age. Two brothers lost to suicide. A brother and a sister lost to drugs. A few grandmas, a few grandpas. A few uncles and aunts. Quite a few cousins. My only friend growing up was my cousin Cody, but he had a congenital heart malformation that left him with a pacemaker, and though he made it years longer then they expected, he passed away when we were sixteen. At this point, despite all the strength faith amd courage i could muster i snapped into depression. This depression led to alcohol amd drug abuse. And it is this depressed drug abuse i blame for the death of my first daighter Brook. I... i got my fiance pregnant, amd though she wanted to abort i talked her into having the child. Brook Ambelina Williams. She was killed, murdered by her mother, at only three and a half months old. Then the mother, the love of my life, took her own. Now... Im stuck in this horrible deprsonalized numb depression that will not lessen. I fimd solice in my thoughts. I think in words, words spoken by a woman. The woman sounds as though to be in her teens, and i think it is the voice of my daughter that i never got to hear... it is driving me insane because i want so badly to reject this reality that has caused me so much pain and just live in my thoughts which have guided me through every delusion. I cannot emphasize enough that i DO NOT WANT TO DIE, i am not suicidal. I am simply sad, and confused by the question. Is thought reality, and physical the illusion, or is there a way i can rid myself of these hprrid delusions?