my mom almost killed me when i was 15 & im just processing it
tw // strangulation
i'm 20F right now and i'm just now processing this i guess. it's affecting me badly, i keep thinking maybe i'm overreacting, but then i also feel this is a bit concerning.
when i was fifteen, my parents got into a bad verbal fight. my dad snapped over something tiny, he was just exploding at her & she was just meekly defending herself. it kept going on for a while, so i also snapped and started yelling back at my dad. my mom started hitting me and telling me to shut up, to stop being crazy. i went to the kitchen, my mom followed, still hitting me & then she hugged me briefly. then i went to wash my hands at the sink, my dad yelled something else, so i yanked out the kitchen tap. the fight ended after that i guess, my dad was distracted with the water.
i went to my room, my mom followed, she was still hitting & screaming at me. i tried to close the door behind me, she stopped it & came in & closed it behind her. she was lecturing me and asked if i wanted my dad to leave us, if i wanted him to choke her to death. then she strangled me. i remember i thought of loki's death scene from infinity war. i was like wow so thats how it feels like. then the next thing i remember is that i was lying on my carpet, my mom was standing in the doorway, she told me to apologise. i remember specifically that the hallway light was so bright esp bc my room had been dark. she left after that. i think i lay there for a while, i don't really remember. then i tried to sit up and i remember thinking "oh she could have killed me". anyway, i wrote an email apologising to my dad for being so "crazy". i wrote a journal entry about this incident. then i tossed and turned for a few hours before finally going to sleep.
the next day, things were okay w my dad, i apologised, he apologised too, told me he loves me yadda yadda. but my mom gave me the silent treatment for most of the day. i tried to be normal w her and tried to strike a conversation, but she just looked at me coldly and asked "you're not going to ask forgiveness from me too?"
so i did. i apologised. she was like hmm. she gave me a weird look that made me feel like i was dirt who had dared to hurt her, who had the audacity to hurt her, who had dared to come out of my box. *** that was contempt or smth. i lay awake that night thinking about how to apologise better. and the next day, i apologised AGAIN and told her i was so scared my parents would divorce because they were fighting, and the fighting reminded me of the fights they had because of my father's mother. so all my anger, all my "craziness" was because of that fear. she accepted it. she was normal with me again.
i minimised and glossed over this for the past five years. i thought it was just a bad fight. i didn't really remember the choking. i thought it was just me being "crazy". but this year, i reread that journal entry and i guess that brought back some memories. and im like ???? what the actual ***???
and istg this is affecting me so badly, im spiraling so much, not eating well, not sleeping well and reading about strangulation facts and how it increases risk of homicide significantly. and the more i remember, the worse it gets. i thought it had been just 5-6 seconds but i think i may have lost consciousness because i was standing when she strangled me, and the next thing i know is that im on the floor. and she just left me there. i cannot process this. i cannot make eye contact with her for too long because i'm scared she will see what i know. her presence makes me sick. i don't like her touch. i don't like her voice. unfortunately, i still live with her and i still stay in that same room i was strangled in. and i keep thinking about the possibility that she may have felt satisfaction or vindication or triumph or contempt during the strangulation and after, because she finally got to break my defiance and see my terror. i dont know if she did but idk i just suspect it and that makes me feel icked out and sick.
some more details:
- she gives me the silent treatment a lot, especially if i defy her (even politely saying i don't agree with her). she controls my clothing & hair & medication.
- she always talks about how she suffers so much, how we will only know her worth when she's dead, how we should be grateful when she's still alive. she is always the victim.
- she is physically similar to me in build & weight, we're both small.
- she used to hit me w a stick & slap me hard enough to cut my lip when i was younger.
- my dad has never raised a hand to either of us. he yells a lot but he's not physically violent.
- my mom always tells me to be quiet & calm when a man is angry, that i have to calm him down rather than making him angrier, that i should be grateful my dad doesn't hit because some men do.
- she never apologised or acknowledged the choking. i know if i bring it up to her, she will tell me i was the one who made her do it since i was acting out.
- i think tbh she shows a lot of narcissistic traits
i don't know what to think about all this. i keep thinking she could have killed me, i could have died at 15, i was so close to dying. but then i think that i'm overreacting and trying to make my mom into a villain when she isn't. but god i can't stand her. and i feel so guilty for talking about this to a counselor or my friends because it's like i'm betraying her. i feel so guilty especially when she's being nice and caring towards me now. i just cannot process what she did to me. i cannot process how she was able to do that to her own child. who had literally been defending her. i don't know if i'm overreacting.
@backtodecember06
I don't think you are overreacting. My background has similar episodes of violence, and I was diagnosed with PTSD. With that level of trauma, the intensity of reaction to triggers or memories isn't experienced as a choice. Therefore, the concept of overreacting doesn't fit at all.
People are multifaceted, therefore your mom can be a very nice person, but also under the right circumstances be a villain. Maybe she has changed since that traumatic time, but I'm not surprised that you are having difficulty coming to terms with it.
There is absolutely no reason for guilt. I suspect that your counselor has also told you that.
You mentioned narcissistic traits. In my experience with my own mom, and having observed other people with such traits, there can be no expectation that the person will ever admit to having made a mistake or been wrong about anything significant, ever. My mom would pretend to have a degree of humility by admitting to very minor mistakes, such as forgetting to turn off a light, but even then she would have a ready excuse such as "I was being too conscientious about something else, that's why I forgot." Once, she ran a red light and hit a car. She told me it was my fault because I upset her. I wasn't even in the car.
I processed my feelings about my mom's bad behavior by determining that her mental illness made her that way. At times, she genuinely lost control of herself.
Having someone you can talk to about the trauma is very important. Just as a person can require help for physical injury, the same is true for someone who's been injured emotionally. There can be no guilt involved when seeking healing.
How do you feel about the safety and stability of your living situation now?
@Spiritriver thank u for the reply! yeahhh i feel she has never really apologised properly, whenever i brought up something from the past mildly (something that was a lesser extent than the strangulation), she got defensive and asked if i was blaming her when it had actually been my fault. about the safety & stability, honestly i feel there's high risk of her doing it again in the next month because in some days, my paternal grandmother will come to stay for a month (and there is mutual hatred between her and my mom). she has actually casually asked a few days ago if my neck ever felt tight/squeezed sometimes and took her time replying to my answer (no, why?) & follow-up questions, and made it seem like she was asking abt my thyroid or smth. tbh that's probably a red flag lmao.
@backtodecember06 I can empathize with you about the confusion, and being uncertain if it was because of your actions. It wasn’t. It never will be your fault.
You mentioned narcissism. It feels like you called it correctly, IMO. Your mom’s way of thinking reminds me of having to live with a narcissistic parent.
You’re not overreacting. Your experience is traumatic. You live in a scary situation, and are very brave to share. It does sound like she choked you unconscious, and you’re right to be aware that she has the ability to do it again.
Is there a way for you to speak to a therapist or counselor?
Processing intense childhood experiences can resurface when reflecting on safety, stability, and the spaces we grow up in, much like how home environments shape emotional memory. Exploring brands like Lane Furniture often connects people to ideas of comfort and rebuilding a sense of security through their surroundings. While the past cannot be changed, choosing environments and objects that feel stable can support a more grounded present mindset.
Sorry to hear that
@backtodecember06 — man I just wrote you a lot and it disappeared when I switched screens. That is sooo annoying. Yes she is a narcissist bc I was raised by a narcissistic mother, so I totally know what you are saying — she only cares about herself and I want you to Google narcissistic mothers and their sons or daughters and I want you to read every article you can and research it through AI it's more informative I've found out anyway.
Reach out to https//www.thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-7233 and they help narcissistic parental abuse or spousal narcissistic abuse. You can also chat with them it's 24/7/365 so they are always there to help! Please give it and research it all you can because knowledge is power and if you don't know how to fix it, you won't be able to fix it bc you haven't understood it until you research.. Then you have clarity more and more — You are strong which is why you've been chosen like me to fight this particular battle bc someone else couldn't. reach out to me when you need to chat, o I'm at?