family issues
I'm not sure if this is in the right category or not.
I've been pushing aside the torn relationship i have with both of my parents. My mom was abusive, and my dad was out of the picture for most of my life.
A few years ago i had thought that my father and i could have a new start, and it was going pretty well. And then he got married, and i was worried that i would be replaced. For the first two years, he and his wife made an effort to make sure that me and my stepsister didn't feel left out of the family. But over time, the cracks began to show, and there's weird tension that I don't understand happening. I've mostly just been ignoring the situation because of work and other things happening in my life, but it's been weighing on me.
I have never had the sense of having a proper family. i think that the promise of finally having that experience, and then having it not work has been very harmful to my sense of self.
I have trauma outside of these things, from years of abuse from my mother and some abuse from others. this seems tame in comparison, because i know that people have family drama all the time. But it's very strange to feel so alone in the world.
and I feel like i try to make up for it with friendships, but sometimes because of it i get very codependent on my friends. It doesn't always work out, and i feel abandoned and i go through some very rough patches.
I just feel like i am not normal. I don't know what normal is, i don't know what it's like to be loved and cared for properly. I think i want that, but it's getting to the point where i don't trust people to be able to do so. The ones who can usually don't want to anyway. I don't want to perpetually be a victim of people with nefarious intent and ignored by people who cant' handle the fact that I have hangups about certain things.
I feel like i need people too much but also try to do everything on my own. I don't trust myself to be able to make it in the world.
I've been seeing a therapist for a few months but it's gotten to the point where i want to impress her and i don't want to share some of my deeper thoughts for fear of judgement. I am trying to be perfect and good but it feels like a lie. I do everything i can to make the people around me happy. And i'm always worried that i'm going to fuck up or be weird or annoying and everyone will hate me.
I'm so tired of social things being hard.
@affableStrings4654
Many many people feel the same if you are seeing a therapist that is what they are paid for let loose tell them anything and everything holding back will not make you heal.
it is hard to connect with some when you want a family type relationship that you did not have by the sounds of it but being clingy and a people pleaser IMO will put you in the situation of being used and you will never achieve the family part ...
family likes you with all your flaws and sometimes tells you things you do not want to hear and there is ups and downs with them too. i think people get hung up on everyone else has or had a better family ... truth is many are dysfunctional and work in ways that no one else would even want to duplicate....take a deep breath and change the only person you can .. You
@toughTiger6481
I think one of the reasons i am afraid to tell my therapist is that i'm afraid of them telling me i'm doing something wrong ( i don't think they will, but that's the impulse). Or that they will ask me why i try to cling to relationships that aren't working out. and then i have no answer for them, and if i can't justify it, that i should give up on it. I don't know where that train of thought came from, or why that logic is so starkly in my mind.
I don't do things in the way that my family wants me to, and don't want to start doing so. I think we all have to be okay with that.
I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling overwhelmed. I can relate to the extent that I also feel like I’ve never had a proper family. We’ve endured so much generational trauma that’s it almost impossible to fully process and heal from. I became hyper independent and moved clear across the country to get away from it.
in terms of support I will say two things;1.) you are an adult. Try to keep that in mind when dealing with your father. I have found that it’s best to have no expectations, and 2.) do try to be as honest as possible with your therapist. After all, that is the point. If she’s any good she’s probably already sensed your withholding. That should be the one place you don’t have to.
Take care of yourself!
@blitheSun94
Thank you!
I am definitely working on figuring out what I want to do with my life, and the idea that I deserve to do things for me, and not just to make other people happy. If they aren't happy with it, that's on them to deal with. I'm not hurting anyone.
I still have a long way to go, I think. But some things have been coming to a head lately and I am getting tired of my own patterns enough to start trying other things.
